Thread: Jokes

Australian Medical Association researchers have found
that patients needing blood transfusions may benefit
from receiving
chicken blood
rather than human blood.
It tends to make the men cocky and the women lay better.

Following on from above posts mentioning the "spelling champoin" and "runnor up".


GET IT WRITE !


I have a spelling chequer,
It came with my Pea See,
It plain lee marques four my revue,
Miss steaks eye can knot sea.


When aye strike the quays and wright a whirred,
Eye weight fore it two say,
Weather eye am write or wrong,
It tells me rite aweigh.


Whenever a mist ache is maid,
It nose bee four two late,
It tells me watt eye rote is floored,
Its rear lee rear lee grate,


I've run this pome write threw it,
I'm shore yore pleased too no,
Its let a perfect in its weigh,
My chequer tolled me sew.


- Sauce unknown


The above illustrates how spelling checkers do not pick up when words that sound the same as those intended but have different spelling and meanings.

Originally Posted by mox

Following on from above posts mentioning the "spelling champoin" and "runnor up".


GET IT WRITE !


I have a spelling chequer,
It came with my Pea See,
It plain lee marques four my revue,
Miss steaks eye can knot sea.


When aye strike the quays and wright a whirred,
Eye weight fore it two say,
Weather eye am write or wrong,
It tells me rite aweigh.


Whenever a mist ache is maid,
It nose bee four two late,
It tells me watt eye rote is floored,
Its rear lee rear lee grate,


I've run this pome write threw it,
I'm shore yore pleased too no,
Its let a perfect in its weigh,
My chequer tolled me sew.


- Sauce unknown


The above illustrates how spelling checkers do not pick up when words that sound the same as those intended but have different spelling and meanings.

That would be the Grammar Ninja's job.

Originally Posted by Chucaro

Good user name, we cope all the sting from you

Arthur, just wait until I get my new computer glasses and can see the screen again!

A middle eastern woman in full get-out is in the supermarket. She is used to getting funny looks but this 4 y old is staring intently at her. He is behind her at the checkout and just as she is leaving the child sings out......."I love your batman costume"

POST TURTLES

While stitching a cut on the hand of a 75 year old farmer, whosehand was caught in the squeeze gate while working cattle, the
doctor struck up a conversation with the old man.

Eventually the topic got around to politicians and their role asour leaders.

The old farmer said, "Well, as I see it, most politicians are 'Post Turtles'.''
Not being familiar with the term, the doctor asked him what a 'post turtle' was.

The old farmer said, "When you're driving down a country road and you come across a fence post with a turtle balanced on top, that's a post turtle."

The old farmer saw the puzzled look on thedoctor's face so he continued to explain. "



You know he didn't get up there by himself, he doesn't belong up there, he doesn't know what to do while he's
up there, he's elevated beyond his ability to function, and you just wonder what kind of dumb arse put him up there to begin with."

Best explanation of a politician I've ever heard.

A 12-year old boy was walking down the street when a car pulled up beside him and the window was wound down.

"I'll give you a bag of lollies if you get in the car," said the male driver.
"No way, get stuffed", replied the boy.
How about a bag of lollies and $10?" asked the driver.
"No way", replied the irritated youngster.
"What about a bag of lollies and Fifty Dollars?? quizzed the driver, still rolling slowly to keep up with the walking boy.
"No, I'm not getting in the car" answered the boy.
"OK, I know what you want - I'll give you $100 and a bag of lollies" the driver offered.
"NO," screamed the boy.
What will it take to get you into the car??, asked the driver, sighing.
The boy replied: "Listen Dad, you bought a ****ing jeep, now you live with it".

Five Germans in an Audi Quattro arrive at the Italian border. The Italian Customs Officer stops them and tells them "It'sa illegala to putta 5 people in a Quattro."
"Vot do you mean it's illegal?" asks the German driver.
"Quattro meansa four" replies the Italian official.
"Quattro is just ze name of ze automobile" the Germans retort unbelievingly. "Look at ze dam papers: ze car is designed to karry 5 persons."
"You canta pulla thata one on me!" replies the Italian customs officer. "Quattro meansa four. You have five-a people ina your car and you are thereforea breaking the law."
The German driver replies angrily, "You idiot! Call your zupervisor over. I vant to speak to someone viz more intelligence!"
"Sorry" responds the Italian officer, "He can'ta come. He'sa busy witha 2 guys in a Fiat Uno."