Jokes

A couple are lying in bed next to each other when her phone rings. She picks up, the man looks over at her and listens. She is speaking in a cheery voice,
"Hi. I'm so glad you called. Really? That's wonderful. I'm so happy for you. That sounds terrific. Great! Thanks. Okay. Bye bye."



She hangs up and the man asks, "Who was that?"



"Oh," she replies,

"that was my husband telling me about the great time he's having on his fishing trip with you."

Tiger turns to Stevie and says, "How's the singing career going?"

Stevie replies, "Not too bad. How's the golf?"

Woods replies, "Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right, now."

Stevie says, "I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the next time I play, it seems to be all right."

Incredulous, Tiger says, "You play GOLF?"

Stevie says, "Yes, I've been playing for years."

Tiger says, "But -- you're blind! How can you play golf if you can't see?"

Stevie Wonder replies, "Well, I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."

But, "How do you putt" asks Tiger.

"Well", says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball toward his voice."

Tiger asks, "What's your handicap?"

Stevie says, "Well, actually -- I'm a scratch golfer."

Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie, "We've got to play a round sometime."

Stevie replies, "Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole. Is that a problem?"

Woods thinks about it and says, "I can afford that; OK, I'm game for that.. $10,000 a hole is fine with me. When would you like to play?"

Stevie Wonder says, "Pick a night."

Paddy phones an ambulance because his mate's been hit by a car.

Paddy: 'Get an ambulance here quick, he's bleeding from his nose and
ears and I tink both his legs are broken.'

Operator: 'What is your location sir?'

Paddy: 'Outside number 28 Eucalyptus Street .'
Operator: 'How do you spell that sir?'
Silence.... (heavy breathing) and after a minute.
Operator: 'Are you there sir?'

More heavy breathing and another minute later.

Operator: 'Sir, can you hear me?'
This goes on for another few minutes until....
Operator: 'Sir, please answer me. Can you still hear me?'

Paddy: 'Yes, sorry bout dat... I couldn't spell eucalyptus, so I just
dragged him round to number 3 Oak Street .'

On a bitterly cold winter morning a husband and wife in Dublin were
listening to the radio during breakfast. They heard the announcer say, "We
are going to have 8 to 10 inches of snow today. You must park your car on
the even-numbered side of the street, so the Snow ploughs can get through.
"So the good wife went out and moved her car.

A week later while they are eating breakfast again, the radio announcer
said, "We are expecting 10 to 12 inches of snow today.
You must park your car on the odd-numbered side of the street, so the snow
ploughs can get through. "The good wife went out and moved her car again.

The next week they are again having breakfast, when the radio announcer
says, "We are expecting 12 to 14 inches of snow today.
You must park...." Then the electric power went out. The good wife was very
upset, and with a worried look on her face she said, "I don't know what to
do. Which side of the street do I need to park on so the snow ploughs can
get through?"

Then with the love and understanding in his voice that all men who are
married to blondes exhibit, the husband replied,

"Why don't you just leave the bloody car in the garage this time."

Did you know that a candle flame smells like burnt nose hair?

A bloke walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy), 'I have an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'



She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.



The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least iron it!'



He never heard the shot.



Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.

"There's an old Australian entertainer,...
sighing, crying,
And he shrugs off his legal team
And he turns to the reporters, gathered all around him
And he says...

"Won’t have much hope for a grope, bloke
Won’t have much hope for a grope
At my age I can’t bend for the soap, bloke
I’ll have no hope of a grope!"

(All together now)
"The judge is sending me down, sport
Judge is sending me down
The news is all over town, sport
The judge is sending me down"

"It was only a compliment love,guv
Just a compliment love
There’s no need to cry 'Heavens Above!' guv,
Just a compliment love"

(All together now)
" The judge is sending me down, sport
Judge is sending me down
The news is all over town, sport
The judge is sending me down"

"A non-paying guest of the Queen, bean
A non-paying guest of the Queen!
Should’ve sacked me legal team, bean
Now I’m gonna get me bum reamed!"

(All together now)
"The judge is sending me down,sport
Judge is sending me down
The news is all over town,sport
The judge is sending me down!"

I was sitting at a red light yesterday, minding my own business, patiently waiting for it to turn green.

A car load of bearded, young, loud Muslims shouting anti Australian slogans, with a half burned Aussie flag duct taped to the boot of their car and a “Remember 911” slogan painted on the side, stopped next to me.

Suddenly they yelled “Allah Akhbar!” and took off before the light changed.

Out of nowhere a bus came speeding through the intersection and ran directly over the car, crushing it completely and killing everyone in it.

For several minutes I sat in my car thinking to myself, “Bloody hell! That could have been me!”

So today, bright and early, I went out and got a job as a bus driver.

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery....
He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says,
"My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"
The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car. As the
man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound; a sound like no other that
he has ever heard.
The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say,
"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."
The man is disappointed but thanks them anyway and goes about his merry way.
Some years later, the same man breaks down in front of the same monastery.
The monks again accept him, feed him, and even fix his car..
That night, he hears the same strange mesmerizing sound that he had heard years
earlier.
The next morning, he asks what the sound was, but the monks reply,
"We can't tell you because you're not a monk."
The man says, "All right, all right. I'm dying to know.
If the only way I can find out what that sound was is to become a monk, how do I become a monk?"
The monks reply,
"You must travel the Earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of sand pebbles. When you find these numbers, you will become a
monk."
The man sets about his task. Some forty-five years later, he returns and knocks
on the door of the monastery.
He says, "I have travelled the Earth and devoted my life to the task demanded
and have found what you had asked for. There are 371,145,236,284,232 blades of
grass and 231,281,219,999,129,382 sand pebbles on the earth.
The monks reply,
"Congratulations, you are correct, and you are now considered a monk.
We shall now show you the way to the sound."
The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, the sound is behind that door.
The man reaches for the knob, but the door is locked.
He asks, "May I have the key?"
The monks give him the key, and he opens the door.
Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone....
The man requests the key to the stone door.
The monks give him the key, and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby..
He demands another key from the monks, who provide it. Behind that door is another door, this one made of sapphire. And so it went on until the man had gone through doors of
emerald,..........silver, topaz, and amethyst.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the key to the last door."

The man is relieved to be at the end. He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is astonished to find the source of that strange sound.
It is truly an amazing and unbelievable sight ..........


..... But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

DON'T SWEAR AT ME;

I'M STILL HUNTING FOR THE BASTARD WHO STARTED THIS!

It all started when the wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers,

so I did...... she's 21 and her name's Lucy.


I was devastated to find out my wife was having an affair but, by turning to religion, I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.

I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning.


Cheers