Jokes

An Irish daughter had not been home for over 5 years. Upon her return, her father cursed her heavily.
'Where have yeu been all this time, child? Why did yeu not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't yeu call? Can yeu not understand what yeu put yer old Mother thru?'

The girl, crying, replied, 'Sniff, sniff... Dad.... I became a prostitute.'

'Yeu WHAT!? Get outta here, shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family'

'OK, Dad... as yeu wish. I just came back to give Mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a $5 million savings certificate; and for me little brother, this gold Rolex. And for yeu, Daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes Limited Edition convertible that's parked outside, plus a membership to the country club... (takes a breath)... and an invitation for yeu all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera .'

'Now what was it yeu said yeu had become?' says Dad.

Girl, crying again, 'Sniff, sniff... a prostitute, Daddy! Sniff, sniff.'

'Oh! Bejeasus! Yeu had me half scared to death, girl! I taut yeu said a Protestant! Come here and give yer old Da' a hug!'

https://www.youtube.com/embed/dYslhL71k1M'rel=0

A Biker walked into a chemist shop in Adelaide, and asked to talk to a male pharmacist.
The woman he was talking to said that she was the only pharmacist and that as she and
her sister owned the store, there were no males employed there. She then asked if she
could help him.

The biker said that it was something that he would be much more comfortable discussing
with a male pharmacist.

The female pharmacist assured him that she was completely professional, and what ever it
was that he needed to discuss, he could be confident that she would treat him with the
highest level of professionalism.

The biker then agreed and began by saying, "This is tough for me to discuss, but I have a...
permanent erection. It causes me a lot of problems, and severe embarrassment, and I was
wondering what you could give me for it."

The pharmacist said, "Just a minute, I'll talk to my sister."

When she returned, she said, "We discussed it at length, and the absolute best we can do is:
1/3 ownership in the shop, a company car five home-cooked dinners a week and $3,000 a
month in living expenses."

A married couple were in a terrible accident where the woman’s face was severely burned. The doctor told her husband that they couldn’t graft any skin from her body because she was too skinny.
So the husband offered to donate some of his own skin. However, the only skin on his body that the doctor felt was suitable would have to come from his buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they would tell no one about where the skin came from, and requested that the doctor also honor their secret. After all, this was a very delicate matter.
After the surgery was completed, everyone was astounded at the woman’s new beauty. She looked more beautiful than she ever had before! All her friends and relatives just went on and on about her youthful beauty!
One day, she was alone with her husband, and she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice. She said, “Dear, I just want to thank you for everything you did for me. There is no way I could ever repay you”.
“My darling,” he replied, “I get all the thanks I need every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek”!:D:D:D:p

An Army Major visits the sick bay of his troops and walks up to the first soldier laying on the bed.
Says " What is the problem soldier?"
"Chronic Syphilis Sir" Replied the Soldier.
Major "What treatment are you getting?"
Soldier "Five minutes a day with the wire scrub brush Sir"
Major " What is your ambition?"
Soldier "To get back on the front line Sir"
"Good man" says the Major.

The Major then goes to the second soldier laying on the bed.
Major " What seems to be your problem soldier?"
Soldier "I have chronic piles Sir"
Major "What treatment are you receiving?"
Soldier "Five minutes a day with the wire scrub brush Sir"
Major " What is your ambition?"
Soldier " To get back on the front line"

The Major then moves onto the third soldier.
Major " What seems to be your problem soldier?"
Soldier " Chronic gum decease Sir"
Major. "What treatment are you receiving?"
Soldier "Five minutes a day with the wire scrub brush Sir"
Major " Tell me what is your ambition?"
Soldier " To get first use of the wire scrub brush before the other two.

Albert and Bill, two retired gentlemen, flew to Canada for an adventure. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week of hunting moose. They managed to bag a total of 6. Loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two old timers objected strongly. "Last year we shot 6. The pilot let us take them all, and he had exactly the same plane as yours." Reluctantly the pilot gave in and all 6 were loaded. The plane took off. However while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Miraculously, surrounded by moose bodies, Albert and Bill survived the crash. Climbing out of the wreckage, Albert asked Bill," Any idea where we are?" Bill replied, " I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Fifth Columnist

Albert and Bill, two retired gentlemen, flew to Canada for an adventure. They chartered a small plane to take them into the Rockies for a week of hunting moose. They managed to bag a total of 6. Loading the plane to return, the pilot said the plane could take only 4 moose. The two old timers objected strongly. "Last year we shot 6. The pilot let us take them all, and he had exactly the same plane as yours." Reluctantly the pilot gave in and all 6 were loaded. The plane took off. However while attempting to cross some mountains, even on full power, the little plane couldn't handle the load and went down. Miraculously, surrounded by moose bodies, Albert and Bill survived the crash. Climbing out of the wreckage, Albert asked Bill," Any idea where we are?" Bill replied, " I think we're pretty close to where we crashed last year."

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I think some one got the names wrong. It should have been Paddy and Mick:)

[SIZE="3"]As it's no longer politically correct to direct a joke at any racial or ethnic minority, try this one:


An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Welshman, a Ghurkha, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a German, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Pakistani, a Mexican, a Spaniard, a Russian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Jordanian, a Kiwi, a Swede, a Finn, a Canadian, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Swiss, a Greek, a Singaporean, an Italian, a Norwegian, an Argentinean, a Libyan, a Muslim, a Hindu, a Buddhist and an African went to a night club.













Wait for it!




















The bouncer said, "Sorry, I can't let you in without a Thai. "







You might not think its funny but it took a fair while to type it out :)[/SIZE]

The UK Government has said that Scotland could end up as a Third World country if they vote for independence.

I don't know if things will improve to that extent, but you never know.

A young Scottish lad and lass were sitting on a low stone wall, holding
hands, gazing out over the loch.
For several minutes they sat silently. Then finally the girl looked at the
boy and said, "A penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin'... perhaps it's aboot time for a wee kiss."

The girl blushed, then leaned over and kissed him lightly on the cheek.

Then he blushed. The two turned once again to gaze out over the loch.
Minutes passed and the girl spoke again. "Another penny for
your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's noo aboot time for a wee cuddle." The
girl blushed, then leaned over and cuddled him for a
few seconds. Then he blushed.

And the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch. After a while, she
again said, "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

"Well, uh, I was thinkin' perhaps it's aboot time you let me put my hand on
your leg." The girl blushed, then took his hand and put it on her knee.
Then he blushed.

Then the two turned once again to gaze out over the loch before the girl
spoke again. "Another penny for your thoughts, Angus."

The young man glanced down with a furled brow. "Well, noo," he said, 'my
thoughts are a wee bit more serious this time.'
"Really?" said the lass in a whisper, filled with anticipation.
"Aye," said the lad, nodding.
The girl looked away in shyness, began to blush, and bit her lip in
anticipation of the ultimate request.

Then he said, "Dae ye nae think it's aboot time ye paid me the first three
pennies?"