Thread: Jokes

Bunch of stockmen out bush in the 1970s when the old camp cook gets bitten on the bum by a king brown snake.
They lie him down near the campfire and get on the pedal radio to contact the flying doctor.
They explain the situation to the doctor over the radio. The doctor tells them they must make an incision over the bite and then suck the venom out.
They look around at one another, then get back on the radio and ask the doc to repeat the message.
The doc says 'I repeat, you must make an incision over the area of the bite and then suck the venom out. Do this immediately or your colleague will die'.

They shuffle back over to where their friend is lying by the fire. he looks up at them anxiously and asks 'What did the flying doc say?'

With great compassion, the head stockman kneels down next to him and says

'He says you're going to die'.

During class, a teacher trying to teach good manners, asks the students:
"Students, If you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you ...tell her that you have to go to the bathroom? Michael?"
Michael: "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
Teacher: "That would be rude and impolite!!!
Teacher: "What about you Peter? How would you say it?"
Peter: "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
Teacher: "That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table.
And you Little Johnny, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
Johnny: "I would say: 'Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?
I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, who I hope you'll get to meet after supper.
" The teacher fainted!

Student: "Mummy, today at school I got punished for something I didn't do."
Mother: "That's terrible. I'll ring the school and complain. What was it?"
Student: "My homework."

This morning, the teacher decided to do something different with the class.

Today, she told the students, we are going to draw a picture on the whiteboard, and you will all have the chance to contribute. Each student will add to the previous students' drawing, and we will see what we end up with. Now, who would like to start us off by drawing something simple on the board for the others to add to.

Young Mary put her hand up and was called to the front of the class, where she drew this on the whiteboard.



When asked what she had drawn, Mary proudly responded "that's a box. Miss". The teacher told Mary that she had done well, and asked who would like to come up and add to Mary's picture. Mary's friend Julie put her hand up, and was called to the front of the class to add her contribution. Julie added some horizontal lines to Mary's picture, to give this -



When asked, she told the teacher "that's a window with venetian blinds Miss". The teacher told Julie that she was very clever, and asked the class if anyone would like to add to Mary's and Julie's picture. Young Albert who was the brightest student in the class put his hand up and waved it vigorously, and was called to the front of the class to add to the picture. Albert produced this -



When asked what he had drawn, Albert proudly announced "that's a light globe Miss". Albert was sent back to his chair with the usual congratulatory remarks from the teacher.

The teacher did not think that it would be possible to add any further to the light globe drawn by Albert and was about to erase the picture and begin again, but on the off chance, asked the class if there was anyone who thought they could add to Albert's light globe.

At the back of the class, young Johnny's hand shot up and he replied, "I can Miss". With a worried look on her face, the teacher called Johnny up to the front of the class for his turn to add to the drawing. Johnny quickly drew this -



Before even being asked what he had drawn, Johnnie proudly blurted out "that's my mum Miss, pulling her pants up after she's been to the toilet".

Two old boundary riders that had been out on the trail for a couple of months ride into town. They are hanging out for a cold beer and while hitching their horses to the rail outside the pub notice a new store on the main street with a sign over the door reading Taxidermist.

Jack asks his mate Bob "What the hell is a taxidermist"? Bob having no idea says "Why dontcha order a couple of beers and I will go and find out out".

So off Bob goes and meets the fella coming out of the store. "What do ya do for a quid mate" says Bob. The taxidermist says "I stuff and mount animals". Bobs eyes widen and then he asks "Have you ever stuffed a roo"? "Plenty of them" says the taxidermist. "What about a sheep" asks Bob. "Yeah but I normally ask the cocky which one before I start". Bob says "Hmmmm interesting, what about a horse, I bet you never stuffed one of those". The taxidermist says "Bloody big job and you need to get a ladder to do it properly".

Bob asks the taxidermist to join him and Jack for a beer in the pub. When they get there Bob says "Eh Jack, meet another boundary rider just like us".

The Doctor


A doctor was just starting out on his own, when he found that he just had too much work to do. Now this man was brilliant, and had particularly good people skills. Once he got a patient, they would just not see anyone else.
It seems that this man had been reading recently about the advances in cloning, and decided to have a clone made of himself to do his work.
For years it worked perfectly. His clone took care of all his patients, and he got to relax. However, the clone began to have some personality disorders. it would insult patients, and treat them very badly. It got soo bad that business was suffering. The doctor decided that he just had to get rid of the clone or lose his business.
So......one morning on their morning jog.... they jogged right over a bridge. The doctor pushed the clone over to his death.
The doctor again began seeing his old patients, and things were going exceptionally well, until a fisherman "caught" the dead clone body in the river. When the police found that the real doctor was still, in fact, alive, and that this was a clone, they didn't know just what to charge the doctor for doing wrong. After much deliberation, they decided to charge him for... making an obscene clone fall.

And another one ...


The Poor Little Dutch Boy


Life was desperate in rural Holland. As far as he could remember, the poor little Dutch boy could remember nothing but hardships. Food was scarce, his father was abusive, and there was nothing to do after school but chores. Every day was another hardship. The boy loved to dive from the windmill into the canal, but his father hated to find that he had skipped out on his chores. Whenever he returned, his father would beat him. However, if he didn't skip out, his father would find a reason to beat him anyhow. Life was nothing but hardships, except for the secret escapes to practice diving from the windmill.
Eventually the boy, now in his late teens, heard of a great contest in far-away Atlanta. The best divers in the world, along with the best of everything else would meet to decide who was REALLY the best. It would be the perfect escape from the hardships of his mundane life.
He runs away from home, sneaks aboard a freighter in Rotterdam and waits. No good. Of course, he is discovered. Beaten by the crew, bloody, he is sent home to his unimpressed father, who finds new hardships for him to endure.
A better storyteller than I could tell you of his next four or five attempts to get to the Atlanta games, each of which failed, yielding nothing but ever more painful hardships. The poor little Dutch boy stoicly endured each of them, persevering and enduring.
Eventually, he stows away in a cruise liner heading for the USA. He isn't found until four days out at sea. The captain has the discretion of calling for a chopper to take him back to the Netherlands, or to let him continue the trip and let immigration in Atlanta deal with the problem. The captain listens to the boy describing how he's been doing difficult dives all his life, and how demonstrating the perfection he's developed to the rest of the world in Atlanta is his only chance to escape from the hardships of his normal life.
The captain decides to let the boy demonstrate his abilities. If the boy can execute a perfect dive from the top of the radar mast, he can continue to the Olympics. So, the radar is turned off, and the boy climbs the hundred feet to the top of the radar mast. He looks down.
He has never dived from a ship before. The gentle sway of the ship is magnified by the height of the radar mast. He didn't expect this. looking down, he sees ... pool, deck, sea, deck, pool, deck, sea, deck, pool... he jumps! ... and misses! He crashes right THROUGH the deck! Everyone runs for the stairs to see if he's OK. There's a splintered hole in the B deck. Even the metal decks of the C, D, and E decks have been burst. They find the crumpled body crumpled against the very hull itself, and even that is dented.
Everyone is astonished when he sits up, dazed, but apparently unhurt. The captain, horrified and apologetic, rushes forward. "My goodness! I never should have asked you to try that! Are you OK? " The boy shakes his head and answers:
"That's OK. I'm used to it. I've been through many HARD SHIPS before."

That's worse than the bad conductor joke.

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