Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by sashadidi

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Apparently they named a street after him, in Hollywood, but no one was game to cross it!

Two men at bar
First man "Where did you park the wife's car tonight?"
Second man "Outside your wife's house."
True story.

Two hunters arrive at a cabin in the woods, but before they can even go inside, one hunter stops breathing and passes out on the deck, so the other one runs inside to the phone and rings 000 and says "My friend has just dropped dead, what should I do?" the operator says "First we must make sure that your friend actually is dead" the hunter puts down the phone, steps can be heard going outside and then a gunshot, the hunter comes back to the phone and says "Okay so what do I do now?".

A bloke going for a sperm test, puts some frog spawn in to the sample jar.
"Would love to see their faces when they get a look at these boys under the microscope" he says as he seals the sample jar.

Tell me you didn't.

I'm assuming this is safe to post...

Doctor visit.jpg

Shamelessly stolen.

Sven Goran Ericsson is on "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and has
reached the million pound question.

Chris Tarrant says "Right Sven, this is for one million pounds, and remember, you still have two lifelines left, so please take your time.
Here's your question: What type of animal lives in a sett?
a) a badger
b) a ferret
c) a mole or
d) a cuckoo?"

Sven ponders for a while and says "No, I'm sorry Chris, I'm not too
sure. I'll have to go 50-50."

"Right, Sven, let's take away two wrong answers and see what you're left
with." Badger and Cuckoo are the two remaining answers.

Sven has a long think, then scratches his head and says "No, Chris, I'm
still not sure, I'm going to have to phone a friend."

"So who are you going to call, Sven?" says Chris.

"Hmmm.. I think I'll call David Beckham."

So Tarrant phones David Beckham.

"David, this is Chris Tarrant from 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'.
I've got Sven Goran Ericsson here, and with your help he could win one
million pounds. The next voice you hear will be Sven's".

"Hello David" says Sven. "It's the boss here. What type of animal lives
in a sett? Is it a badger or a cuckoo?"

"It's a badger, boss." says Becks without hesitation.

"You sure, son?" says Sven.

"Definitely, boss. One hundred percent. It's a badger. Definitely."

"Right, Chris," says Sven, "I'll go with David. The answer's a badger.
Final answer."

"Sven," says Chris, "That's the correct answer. You've won One million pounds!!" Cue wild celebrations.

Next morning at training, Sven calls Beckham across.
"Son, that was brilliant last night. I thought I might be taking a
gamble giving you a call, but you played a blinder! But how the hell did you know that a badger lives in a sett?"

"Oh I didn't, boss," replies Beckham, "But everybody knows that a cuckoo lives in a clock."

As above.

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy cold winter. They both had jobs, and had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address and sent the e-mail without noticing his error.

In the mean time:
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a heart attack (died and gone to report in heaven). The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from family and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.