Originally Posted by
d2dave
I suspect that this has probably been posted here previously, but as we are on this topic I thought it appropriate, as there are probably those that haven't seen it.
Myself and anyone else who has had a colonoscopy will relate to this.
I called the doctor, Andy, who happened to be a friend of mine, to make an appointment for a colonoscopy.
A few days later, in his office, Andy showed me a colour diagram of the colon, a lengthy organ that appears to go all over the place, at one point passing briefly through Alice Springs.
He then explained the colonoscopy procedure to me in a thorough, reassuring manner. I nodded thoughtfully, but I didn’t really hear anything he said, because my brain was shrieking, ‘HE’S GOING TO STICK A TUBE 17,000 FEET UP MY BEHIND!’
I left the doctor’s office with some written instructions, and a prescription for a product called ‘MoviPrep,’ which comes in a box large enough to hold a microwave oven. I will discuss MoviPrep in detail later, for now suffice it to say, we must never allow it to fall into the hands of our enemies…
I spent the next several days sitting around being nervous.
Then on the day before my colonoscopy, I began my preparation. In accordance with my instructions, I didn’t eat any solid food that day. All I had was chicken broth, which is basically water, only with less flavour.
Then in the evening, I took MoviPrep. You mix two packets of powder together in a one litre plastic jug, then fill it with luke warm water. (For those unfamiliar with the metric system, a litre is about 32 gallons). Then I have to drink the whole jug. This takes about an hour, because MoviPrep tastes (and here I am being kind) like a mixture of cold goat spit and urinal cleanser, with just a hint of lemon.
The instructions for MoviPrep, clearly written by someone with a great sense of humour, state that after you drink it, ‘a loose watery bowel movement may result’
This is kind of like saying that after you jump off your roof, you may experience contact with the ground.
MoviPrep is a nuclear laxative. I don’t want to be too graphic here, but, have you ever seen a space shuttle launch? This is pretty much the MoviPrep experience, with me as the shuttle. There are times when I wish the old commode out in the shed had a seat, because you spend several hours pretty much confined to the bathroom, spurting violently. You eliminate everything. And then, when you figure you must be totally empty, you have to drink another litre of MoviPrep, at which point, as far as I can tell, your bowels travel into the future and start eliminating food that you have not yet eaten.
After an action packed evening, I finally got to sleep.
The next morning my wife drove me to the hospital. I was very nervous. Not only was I worried about the procedure, but I had been experiencing occasional return bouts of MoviPrep spurtage. I was thinking, ‘What if I spurt on Andy?’ How do you apologise to a friend for something like that? Flowers would not be enough.
At the hospital I had to sign many forms acknowledging that I understood and totally agreed with whatever the heck the forms said. Then they led me to a room full of other colonoscopy people, where I went inside a little curtained space and took off my clothes and put on one of those hospital garments designed by sadist perverts, the kind that when you put it on, makes you feel more naked than when you are actually naked…
Then a nurse named Eddie put a little needle in a vein in my left hand. Ordinarily I would have fainted, but Eddie was very good, and I was already lying down. Eddie also told me that some people put vodka in their MoviPrep…
At first I was annoyed that I hadn’t thought of this, but then pondered what would happen if you got too ****ed to make it to the bathroom, you would be staggering around in fire hose mode. You would have no choice but to burn your house.
When everything was ready, Eddie wheeled me into the procedure room, where Andy was waiting with a nurse and anesthetist. I did not see the 17,000 foot tube, but I know Andy had it hidden around there somewhere. I was seriously nervous at this point.
Andy had me roll over on my left side, and the anesthetist began hooking something up to the needle in my hand.
There was music playing in the room, and I realised that the song was ‘Dancing Queen’ by Abba. I remarked to Andy that of all the songs that could be playing during this particular procedure, ‘Dancing Queen’ had to be the least appropriate.
“You want me to turn it up?” said Andy, from somewhere behind me.
“Ha ha” I said. And then it was time, the moment I had been dreading for more than a decade. If you are squirmish, prepare yourself, because I am going to tell you, in explicit detail, exactly what it was like.
I have no idea really. I slept through it. One moment Abba was yelling “Dancing Queen, feel the beat of the tambourine, and the next moment I was back in the other room, waking in a very mellow mood.
Andy was looking down at me and asking how I felt. I felt excellent. I felt even more excellent when Andy told me that it was all over, and that my colon had passed with flying colours.
I have never been more proud of an internal organ.
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ForumSage
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Being sprayed , spurt due to not following the instructions did cause a lot of mirth for some and broken relationship for ever for others who didn't see the funny side.
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