Thread: Jokes

A motorcycle cop pulls over a driver for speeding and askes for his license. the driver says " I haven't got one " where is it says the copper? " i
I've never had one" Is this your car the cop asked "no I stole it" Where is the owner? "I killed him and put him in the boot" The cop pulls out his gun and calls for backup on his radio. Police cars pull up everywhere and an inspector approaches the car and says to the driver "is this your car?" certainly says the driver and hands over registration papers. "Do you have a drivers license?" yes, said the driver and hands over his license. "Open the boot says the inspector" The boot is opened and it is empty. The driver says " I suppose the lying bastard is going to tell I was speeding next"
"

I'm such a great driver that often in traffic people give me a hand signal to show I'm number one.

90 year old Lord Ponsonby was getting ready to go to the opera with his equally old mate Caruthers Caruthers when he discovered his snuff box empty. He gave the snuff box and a pound note to his butler James and told him to take it down to the drug store to be filled. James was riding his bike to get the snuff when he hit a pot hole and fell off, dropping the pound note which was blown by the wind into an overgrown block of land. James was crawling around the block on his hands and knees looking unsuccessfully for the pound note mumbling "silly old bugger and his stupid snuff" when he came across a dried up dog ****. It had gone all white and hard so James crunched it up into a fine powder and poured it into the snuff box mumbling " silly old bugger won't notice any difference." Some time later while the two old gentlemen were watching the opera from their private box, Lord Ponsonby took a pinch of snuff. " I say Caruthers, do you smell dog **** in here " no said Caruthers " I have a bad head cold and my nose is all blocked up and I can't smell a thing " Well have a pinch of my snuff, it's good stuff and will clear your head" Thanks said Caruthers and took some snuff. Sniff, sniff, achoo! I say Ponsonby " that is jolly good snuff, I can smell that dog **** now."

A young block was in his little one bedroom flat near Kings Cross Sydney completely bored, so he grabbed a $50 note and walked up to Kmart and bought a pair of Dunlop sandshoes for $30 and headed back home. On the way home he started feeling a bit randy just as a lovely lady asked if he would like a bit of fun. Oh yes he said but I've only got $20. Bugger off she said I'm not doing it for $20. I'm desperate he said. I don't care how desperate you are I'm not doing it for $20. I've got this pair of sandshoes I have just bought for $30, they are Dunlops and I'll give you them and $20. All
right, business is a bit slow, but I'm not going to do anything, I'm just going to lie there. So they go inside and he is doing his thing when an arm comes over his back then a leg and another arm and another leg. Wow he said I thought you were not going to do anything. Settle down! I'm just trying on these sandshoes.

Q. What do you call 100 baby sheep rolling down a hill?
A. A lambslide.

Originally Posted by RANDLOVER

Q. What do you call 100 baby sheep rolling down a hill?
A. A lambslide.

I was going to say ‘sheeptrip’ .

I went to the confessional at church last week, and said "Father, I had sex with 3 women last night".
He said, "Go home and drink the juice of 10 lemons".
I said, "Then I'll be forgiven?".
He replied, "No, but it'll wipe that ****ing smile off your face".

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