Thread: Jokes

Recently a Para Unit captured a Taliban leader in Afghanistan. They took him to a warehouse where they gave him a dice. The Sergeant says, "Roll the dice and if you get 1 2 3 4 or 5 your head comes off." The Taliban leader says "What if I throw a 6?" The Sergeant says... "You get to throw again."

Originally Posted by ezyrama

A veterinarian was also an amateur geneticist. One day, one of his experiments paid off. He successfully combined the DNA of a cantaloupe with that of a dog. The result was a small, round dog with orange-tinted fur. For many years, the dog was happy. But over time, he became lethargic and morose. The vet tried everything to cure the dog's depression. Eventually, he decided to take the dog to a pet psychiatrist. The psychiatrist told the veterinarian not to worry. The dog was just a little melon collie.
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groan.....

Originally Posted by VladTepes

groan.....

Bad isn't it.
We have a council guy near us who ripped of the grille badge on his Ford transit and fitted the holden lion over the top.

Six retired Irishmen were playing poker in O'Leary's apartment when Paddy Murphy loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest, and drops dead at the table. Showing espect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up.

Michael O'Conner looks around and asks, "Oh, me boys, someone has to tell Paddy' wife. Who will it be?"

They draw straws. Paul Gallagher picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse.

"Discreet??? I'm the most discreet Irishman you'll ever meet. Discretion is me middle name. Leave it to me."

Gallagher goes over to Murphy's house and knocks on the door. Mrs. Murphy answers, and asks what he wants. Gallagher declares, "Your husband just lost $500, and is afraid to come home."

"Tell him to drop dead!", says Murphy's wife.

"I'll go tell him." says Gallagher.

A bloke walks into a Glasgow library and says to the prim librarian,
'Excuse me Miss, dey ye hiv ony books on suicide?'
To which she stops doing her tasks, looks at him over the top of her glasses and says,

'Bugger off, ye'll no bring it back!'

A blonde quickly went out to her mail box, looked in it, closed the door of the box, and went back in the house. A few minutes later she repeated this process by checking her mail again.

She did this five more times, and her neighbor that was watching her commented: "You must be expecting a very important letter today the way you keep looking into that mail box."

The blonde answered, "No, I am working on my computer, and it keeps telling me that I have mail."

Top ten things not to say on your Anniversary
10. I stopped caring about anniversaries when you stopped caring about cooking.

9. Today is our what?

8. Okay, let's celebrate, but do we have to celebrate together?

7. I thought we only celebrated important events?

6. You can celebrate anniversaries with your next husband.

5. You don't like what I pick out, so I thought why bother.

4. I got you a present worth a dollar for every time you were nice to me this year. Here's a $5 gift certificate for McDonald's.

3. If you want me to pretend like I care about our anniversary, I will.

2. You want to go out to dinner? Okay, okay, I'll take you to Pizza Hut if it'll shut ya up.

1. I thought you only had to celebrate anniversaries while you were still in love.

A Rabbi dies and is waiting in line to enter heaven. In front of him is a guy dressed in a loud shirt, leather jacket, jeans and sunglasses.
Gabriel addresses this guy, "I need to know who you are so that I can determine whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven?"
The guy replies, "I'm Moishe Levy, taxi driver, of London."
Gabriel consults his list, smiles and says to the taxi driver, "OK. Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
Now it's the Rabbi’s turn. He stands upright and says, "I am Benjamin Himmelfarb and I had been Rabbi of Neasden for forty years."
Gabriel looks at his list and says to the Rabbi, "OK. Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom of Heaven."
"Hold on a minute," says Rabbi Himmelfarb, "that man before me was a taxi driver – why did he get a silken robe and golden staff?"
"Up here, we only work by results," says Gabriel. "While you preached, people slept – but while he drove, people prayed."