Thread: Jokes

Last month the UN conducted a world-wide survey by phone. The only question asked was:-

"Would you please give your honest opinion about solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?"


The survey was a huge failure because of the following:

1. In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
2. In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
3. In Africa they didn't know what "food" meant.
4. In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
5. In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
6. In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
7. In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
8. In Australia they hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.

An older Land Rover owner, who worked away from home all week, always made a morning available when he would take his 7-year old granddaughter for a drive in his Defender for some bonding time - just him and his granddaughter.

One particular Sunday however, he had a bad cold and just wanted to stay in bed. Luckily, his wife came to the rescue and said that she would take their granddaughter out in the Landie.

When they returned, the little girl anxiously ran upstairs to see how her Grandfather was.

'Well, did you enjoy your ride with your Grandma?'

'Great, Grandpa' the girl replied, 'and do you know what? We didn't see a single tosser, blind bastard, dick-head or ****** anywhere today!'

A friend of mine has started a buisness selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

He says prophets are through the roof !

A man was rushed to hospital when a bizarre sex game went wrong, leaving him with six toy horses stuck up his rectum.

Doctors described his condition as “stable”.

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.


Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother screeching says, 'Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!'
The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of a Ferrari and enters the house.


He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning , your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation, but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach-front villa, and a $2M bank account. If a boy is born , my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4M bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2M each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"


At this point, the father, who had remained silent holding a shot gun, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him.
"Your gonna try again."

1978: Proceedings of the Second International Workshop on Nude Mice (University of Tokyo Press)

1979: The Madam as Entrepreneur: Career Management in House Prostitution (Transaction Press)

1980: The Joy of Chickens (Prentice Hall)

1981: Last Chance at Love: Terminal Romances

1982: Population and Other Problems (China National Publications)

1983: The Theory of Lengthwise Rolling (MIR)

1984: The Book of Marmalade: Its Antecedents, Its History and Its Role in the World Today (Constable)

1985: Natural Bust Enlargement with Total Power: How to Increase the Other 90% of Your Mind to Increase the Size of Your Breasts (Westwood Publishing Co)

1986: Oral Sadism and the Vegetarian Personality (Brunner/Mazel)

1987: No Award

1988: Versailles: The View From Sweden University of Chicago Press)

1989: How to **** in the Woods: An Environmentally Sound Approach to a Lost Art (Ten Speed Press)

1990: Lesbian Sadomasochism Safety Manual (Lace Publications)

1991: No Award

1992: How to Avoid Huge Ships (Cornwell Maritime Press)

1993: American Bottom Archaeology (University of Illinois Press)

1994: Highlights in the History of Concrete (British Cement Association)

1995: Reusing Old Graves (Shaw & Son)

1996: Greek Rural Postmen and Their Cancellation Numbers (Hellenic Philatelic Society)

1997: The Joy of Sex: Pocket Edition (Mitchell Beazley)

1998: Development in Dairy Cow Breeding and Management: and New Opportunities to Widen the Uses of Straw (Nuffield Farming Scholarship Trust)

1999: Weeds in a Changing World (British Crop Protection Council)

2000: High Performance Stiffened Structures (Professional Engineering Publishing)

2001: Butterworths Corporate Manslaughter Service (Butterworths)

2002: Living With Crazy Buttocks (Kaz Cooke - Penguin)

2003: The Big Book of Lesbian Horse Stories (Kensington Publishing)

2004: Bombproof Your Horse (J A Allen)

2005: People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It (Gary Leon Hill - Red Wheel/Weiser Books)

2006: The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification (Harry N Abrams)

2007: If You Want Closure In Your Relationship, Start With Your Legs (Simon & Schuster US)

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the Station,
when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon
with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose
tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighters helmet.

The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.

The firefighter walked over to take a closer look.
'That sure is a nice fire truck,' the firefighter said with admiration.

'Thanks,' the girl replied.
The firefighter looked a little closer. The girl had tied
the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.


'Little partner,' the firefighter said, 'I don't want
to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that
rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go
faster. '

The little girl replied thoughtfully, 'You're probably right, but
then I wouldn't have a siren.'

A Cowboy sitting in a saloon one Saturday night recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had the reputation of being the fastest gun in the West.



The young cowboy took a place next to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him the story of his great ambition. 'Do you think you could give me some tips?' he asked.


The old man looked him up and down and said, 'Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high, tie the holster a little lower down on your leg.'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.


'Sure will, 'replied the old-timer.


The young man did as he was told, stood up, whipped out his 44 and shot the bow tie off the piano player.


'That's terrific!' said the hot shot. 'Got any more tips for me?'

'Yep,' said the old man. 'Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it, that'll give you a smoother draw'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the younger man.

'You bet it will,' said the old-timer.

The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cufflink off the piano player.

'Wow!' exclaimed the cowboy 'I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?'

The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. 'See that axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it.'

The young man went over to the can and smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. 'No'; said the old-timer, 'I mean smear it all over the gun, handle and all.'


'Will that make me a better gunfighter?' asked the young man.

'No,' said the old-timer, 'but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up where the sun don't shine, and it won't hurt as much.