Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by POD

If it's old jokes you like, here's one from the Soviet era:

Ivan, a Muscovite and Communist Party member, finally succumbs to the pleading of his wife Natasha that he should buy them a car. He puts together all the roubles they have been able to save and approaches the grey government building, where he joins a long queue that extends two blocks down the snow-covered street. Frozen to the bone, he is eventually admitted to a windowless office where, over the course of seven hours, he is subjected to lengthy background checks, is interviewed by three different political staffers and fills in a wad of application forms. At the end of this ordeal, Ivan is marched to the cashiers window where he hands over the satchel containing his and Natasha's savings. The clerk then tells him 'Very good Comrade, you have met all the requirements to be issued with a private vehicle. Come back at precisely nine-thirty a.m on this date in ten years and you may collect your car'.

Ivan turns pale. 'Nine-thirty a.m ten years from now??' he says, incredulously. 'Nine-thirty a.m. ten years from now!? Comrade, I cannot accept this!' says Ivan, shaking his head.

'Cannot accept this?' asks the clerk, glancing toward the two soldiers who flank the door. 'What do you mean, comrade, when you say you cannot accept this?'

'I cannot accept this, Comrade!' says Ivan, 'The plumber is coming at nine thirty.'

Or he may have said, "It is only a ****ty Trabant so stick it up your arse i'll wait for the 2019/20Defender I hear so much about".

Who can say?

Originally Posted by 4bee

Or he may have said, "It is only a ****ty Trabant so stick it up your arse i'll wait for the 2019/20Defender I hear so much about".

Who can say?

Post reported, suggesting it be moved to "It won't be Retro".

As it should be.

What should you do if you find three Honda owners buried up to their neck in cement?

Get more cement.

I was just washing up, with the back door open, when suddenly, an owl flew in
Couldn't believe it!
It dried all the pots and put them away, then flew back out.!
Was amazing!


Think it was a Teat Owl

​A pensioner drove his brand new Mercedes to 100 mph on the m1 looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a police car behind him. He floored it to 140 , then 150, ... then 155, ... Suddenly he thought, "I'm too old for this nonsense !" So he pulled over to the side of the road and waited for the police car to catch up with him.


The officer walked up to him, looked at his watch and said, "Sir, my shift ends in ten minutes. Today is Friday and I'm taking off for the weekend with my family. If you can give me a good reason that I've never heard before, why you were speeding... I'll let you go."


The Man looked very seriously at the police man, and replied :- "Years ago, my wife ran off with a policeman, I thought you were bringing her back." !!!


The Cop left saying, " Have a good day, Sir "...

A firefighter came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station: Bell 1 rings and we all put on our jackets, Bell 2 rings and we all slide down the pole, Bell 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go. From now on when I say Bell 1, I want you to strip naked. When say Bell 2, I want you to jump in bed. And when I say Bell 3, we are going to make love all night."


The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1!"


The wife promptly took all her clothes off.


When he yelled "Bell 2!", the wife jumped into bed.
When he yelled "Bell 3!", they began making love.


After a few minutes the wife yelled "Bell 4!"


"What the hell is Bell 4?" asked the husband.


The wife said, "Roll out more hose. You're nowhere near the fire."

Why doesn't a fire captain look out the window in the morning?


Because then he wouldn't have anything to do in the afternoon.