Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by sashadidi

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Takes "painting yourself into a corner" to a whole new level.

The ability to speak several languages is an asset, but the ability to keep your mouth shut in any language is priceless.

Trust science. Studies show that if your parents didn’t have children there’s a high probability you won’t either.

Only in maths problems can you buy 60 cantaloupes and no one asks, "What the Heck is wrong with you?"

When I get a headache I take two aspirin and keep away from children just like the bottle says.

Just once, I want the username and password prompt to say, “Close enough.”

Becoming an adult is the dumbest thing I’ve ever done.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along. I’m self-employed. We’re having a meeting.

“Your call is very important to us. Please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo".

I envy people who grow old gracefully. They age like a fine wine. I’m ageing like milk: Getting sour and chunky.

Does anyone else have a plastic bag full of plastic bags, or is it just me?

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech support guy is asleep. He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

Today’s 3-year-olds can switch on laptops and open their favourite apps. When I was 3, I ate mud.

Tip for a successful marriage: Don’t ask your partner when dinner will be ready while they’re mowing the lawn.

A Scottish woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.
The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.
She pauses, reflects and then she says. Well then, let it read "Angus McCarty died."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read . . .
"Angus McCarty died. Golf clubs for sale."

Originally Posted by d2dave

An Irish woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.
The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.
She pauses, reflects and then she says. Well then, let it read "Angus McCarty died."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, In that case, let it read . . .
"Angus McCarty died. Golf clubs for sale."

Shouldn't 'Irish' be 'Scottish' in this joke........... he's called Angus as well.

DL

Originally Posted by 350RRC

Shouldn't 'Irish' be 'Scottish' in this joke........... he's called Angus as well.

DL

I thought the same.

Originally Posted by 350RRC

Shouldn't 'Irish' be 'Scottish' in this joke........... he's called Angus as well.

DL

Fixed

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Originally Posted by d2dave

Fixed

Why couldn’t a Scotsman have an Irish wife?