Thread: Jokes

IMG_D0F5E72C30A4-1.jpg

I asked my Kiwi mate how many lovers he'd had. He started counting but fell asleep

How do you tell if someone is a vegan? Just wait a few minutes and they'll tell you!

Where does Peter Pan eat out ?.........Wendys

Three men die and are waiting to enter heaven.

St. Peter approaches the group and says, "Well, Heaven is a little backed up right now, and only one of you can get in at the moment. I don't have my sheet with me, so you'll have to tell me how you died. Whichever one of you died the most painful death can get in first." St. Peter approaches the first guy and listens to his story.
"I got home early and wanted to surprise my wife. I head up to my apartment on the 14th story of this complex, and there I find my wife laying naked on the bed. I was furious! So I looked around for the guy pleasuring my wife. I searched under the bed, behind the curtains, behind the couch, in the bathroom, in the closet, but I found no one. Then I see this guy hanging on my balcony for dear life. I go over to him and start slamming his fingers with my fists. He doesn't even budge; so I start stomping on his fingers. Nothing! Eventually I grab a hammer from my tool bag and start breaking every finger until he falls. The guy landed in some bushes and lived! I was so absolutely livid that I dragged my refrigerator to the balcony and pushed it over, squashing him. But after realizing what I had done, and that my marriage was over, I went for my gun in the dresser and shot myself."

St. Peter takes note of the hole in his head, and goes to the next guy. "Wow, what happened to you?" he asked.
"Well, I live on the 15th story of an apartment complex. I had just gotten done with my late-morning jog and went on my balcony to stretch. Somehow I lost my footing and toppled over my balcony, but caught on to the balcony below mine. I was just thinking how lucky I was when this... madman runs over and starts pounding on my fingers! I was barely able to hold on, then he stopped. As I started climbing again he began to stomp on my fingers. I was mere moments from dropping, and he stopped again. I tried to climb yet again, only to have my fingers broken with a hammer! I had to let go, and fell for what seemed forever. I landed on some bushes, I think, and realized that I was more-or-less okay! I looked at my legs to check if they were broken, then looked back up at the balcony only to see a fridge hurtling towards me... And that's the last thing I remember."
St. Peter sees the mangled body this guy is sporting, and moves to the last guy.
"And what's your story?"
"Alright, imagine this: You are hiding naked in a refrigerator."

...Angus.jpg

17166153764131828399987954425749 - Copy.jpg

GOblTtmWwAAMEAi - Copy.jpg