Thread: Jokes

Only an Aussie

Two Aussies, Davo and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat. While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Davo stumbled across an old lamp. He rubbed the lamp vigorously and a genie came forth.

This genie, however, stated that he could only deliver one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Davo blurted out, "Turn the entire ocean into beer. Make that Victoria Bitter!"

The genie clapped his hands with a deafening crash, and immediately the sea turned into the hard-earned thirst quencher. The genie vanished.


Only the gentle lapping of beer on the hull broke the stillness as the two men considered their circumstances. Johnno looked disgustedly at Davo whose wish had been granted.


After a long, tension-filled moment Johnno said, "Nice going Davo! Now we're going to have to p*ss in the boat."

Rare condition

A man and a woman are riding next to each other in first class. The man sneezes, pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman can't believe what she just saw and decides she is hallucinating. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes again. He pulls out his wang and wipes the tip off. The woman is about to go nuts. She can't believe that such a rude person exists. A few minutes pass. The man sneezes yet again. He takes his wang out and wipes the tip off. The woman has finally had enough. She turns to the man and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've removed your penis from your pants to wipe it off! What the hell kind of degenerate are you?"

The man replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you ma'am. I have a very rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The woman then says, "Oh, how strange. What are you taking for it?"

The man looks at her and says, "Pepper."

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini,
"I want to feel your breasts," he said.
"Get away from me, you dirty old man," she replied.
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $10" he says.
"$10 !! Get away from me!"

"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you $50" he says.
"NO! Get away from me!"

"$100" he says.
She pauses to think about it, but then comes to her senses & says, "I said NO!"

"$1000 if you let me feel your breasts," he says.
She thinks, well he is old ... and $1000 would be very handy....

"Well, OK...but only for a minute," she says.

She loosens her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slides his hands underneath and begins to feel...and then he starts saying OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD...while he is caressing them.

So out of curiosity, she asks him "Why do you keep saying 'Oh my god'?"

While continuing to fondle her tits he answers "OH MY GOD...OH MY GOD... Where am I ever going to get $1000?"

I parked in a disabled space today and a traffic inspector shouted to me...

Hoy whats your disability?

I said "Tourettes! now f*** off you c***!"

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!"

The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

>>A new Marine Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the
>>Afghanistan Desert. During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed
>>a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.
>>He asks the Sergeant why the camel is kept there.
>>The nervous sergeant said, "Well sir, as you know, there are 250 men here
>>on the post and no women. And sir, sometimes the men have "urges".
>>That's
>
>>why we have Molly the camel."
>>The Captain says, "I can't say that I condone this, but I understand about
>>"urges", so the camel can stay."
>>About a month later, the Captain starts having his own "urges".
>>Crazy with passion, he asks the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.
>>Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls
>>his pants down and has wild, insane sex with the camel.
>>When he's done, he asks the Sergeant, "Is that how the men do it?"
>>"No, not really, sir, they usually just ride the camel into town where the
>>girls are."

Jesus saw a crowd chasing down a woman to stone her and approached them.
"What's going on here?" he asked.
"This woman was found committing adultery, and the law says we should stone her!" one of the crowd responded.
"Wait," yelled Jesus.
"Let he who is without sin cast the first stone."
Suddenly, a stone was thrown from out of the sky,
and hit the woman on the side of her head.

"Aw, c'mon, Dad..." Jesus cried, "I'm trying to make a point here!"

roflmao !