Thread: Jokes

what a sook,,,

Mr Cadbury and Miss Rowntree met on a Double Decker, it was After Eight. She was from Quality Street, he was a Fisherman's Friend.

On the way they stopped at a Yorkie Bar, he had a Rum and Butter, she had a Wine Gum.

He asked her name, "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" she said. "I'm the one with the nuts," he thought! Then he touched her Milky Way.

They checked in to a hotel, and went straight to the bedroom. Mr Cadbury turned out the light for a bit of Black Magic.

It wasn't long before he slipped his hand into her Snickers and felt her Cream Egg. He fondled her Flap Jacks then he showed her his Curly Wurly and Tic Tacs.

Miss Rowntree wasn't keen to have any Jelly Babies, so she let him take a trip down Bourneville Boulevard via her Party Ring. He was pleased as he always fancied a bit of Fudge. It was a magic moment as she let out a scream of Turkish Delight.

When he pulled out, his fun size Mars Bar felt a bit Crunchie. She wanted more, but he needed Time Out, however, he noticed her Pink Wafers looked very appetizing. He did a Twirl, had a Picnic in her Sherbet Dip and finished off by giving her a Gob Stopper!

Unfortunately, Mr Cadbury then had to go home to his wife, Caramel.

Sadly, 3 days later his Magnum lolly started to drip. It turned out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Basset who had Allsorts!!!

A man went into an urologist and told him he was having a problem, as he
was unable to get his old fella stiff. The doctor checked him out then
told him that the muscles around the base of the organ were damaged from
a previous viral infection and there was nothing he could actually do
for him.

However, he knew of an experimental treatment that might work, if he
was willing to take the risk. The treatment consisted of planting muscle
tissues from an elephant's trunk into his dick. The man thought about
it for a while.

The thought of having to go through life without sex was too much for
him to bear. So, with the assurance that there would be no cruelty to
the elephant, the man decided to go for it.

A few weeks after the operation, he was given the green light to go and
try out his newly renovated equipment.

As a result he planned a romantic evening with his girlfriend and took
her to one of the nicest restaurants in town.

In the middle of dinner he felt a strong stirring in his loins that
continued to the point of being extremely painful. To release the
pressure he unzipped his fly and his knob sprang out, slid across the
top of the table, grabbed a bread roll and returned to his trousers.

His girlfriend was stunned at first, but then with a sly grin on her
face said, "That was incredible! Can you do that again?"

With tears in his eyes he replied, "I think I can, but I am not sure if
another bread roll will fit up my @rse"

Shaggy Sheep Story



A New Zealand farmer buys several sheep, hoping to breed them for wool.

After several weeks, he notices that none of the sheep are getting
pregnant, and phones a vet for help.

The vet tells him that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not
wanting to display his ignorance, only asks the vet how he will know
when the sheep are pregnant.

The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and instead will
lie down and wallow in grass when they are pregnant.

The man hangs up and gives it some thought.

He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means he has to
impregnate the sheep himself.

So, he loads the sheep into his Land Rover, drives them out into the
woods, has sex with them all, brings them back, and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the sheep.

Seeing that they are all still standing around, he deduces that the
first try didn't take, and loads them in the Land Rover again.

He drives them out to the woods, bangs each sheep twice for good
measure, brings them back, and goes to bed exhausted.

Next morning, he wakes to find the sheep still just standing round.
"Try again." he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up, and drive
them out to the woods.

He spends all day shagging the sheep and upon returning home, falls
knackered into bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look out
of the window.

He asks his wife to look, and tell him if the sheep are lying in the
grass.

"No," she says, "they're all in the Land Rover, and one of them is
beeping the horn."

Originally Posted by markyc

Not a joke as such, more of a message for Vlad in support of PETA:
"If we aren't supposed to eat animals, then why are they made out of meat?" (Peter Kay, fine comedian..)

Exactly.

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make
theirdays interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went into town and went into a
shop. I was only in there for about 5 minutes, when I came out there was
a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, 'Come on man, how about giving a
senior citizen a f***** break?'
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket. I called him a
Nazi turd.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having
worn tires. So I called him a s---head.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with
the first. Then he started writing a third ticket. This went on for
about 20minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't care. I came into town by bus. I try to have
a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my
age..........

One night , after the couple had retired for the night, the woman became aware that her husband was touching her in a most unusual manner. He started by running his hand across her shoulders and the small of her back. He ran his hand over her breasts, touching them very lightly. Then, he proceeded to run his hand gently down her side, sliding his hand over her stomach, and then down the other side to a point below her waist. He continued on, gently feeling her hips, first one side and the the other. His hand ran further down the outside of her thighs. His gentle probing then started up the inside of her left thigh, stopped and the returned to do the same to her right thigh.

By this time the woman was becoming aroused and she squirmed a little to better position herself.
The man stopped abruptly and rolled over.

"Why are you stopping darling?" she whispered.

He whispered back, "I found the remote!"

STUNNING SENIOR MOMENT

A self-important college freshman attending a recent football game took it
upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was
impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.


'You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,' the
student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. The young
people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on
the moon. Our space probes have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy,
ships, and electric and hydrogen cars. Computers with light-speed processing.,
...and more. ' After a brief silence the senior citizen responded as
follows:


'You're right, son. We didn't have those things when we were young ...
so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little ****, what are you doing for
the >next generation?'

The applause was amazing.......