Thread: Jokes

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.

The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'

'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.

'And you can talk!' exclaims the barman.

'I see your ears are working, too,' says the duck. 'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'

'Certainly, sorry about that,' says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint. 'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub. What are you doing round this way?'[FONT='Tahoma','sans-serif']

'I'm working on the building site across the road,' explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'

The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.

So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.

The same thing happens for two weeks[/FONT][FONT='Tahoma','sans-serif']

Then one day the circus comes to town.

The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him 'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'

'Sounds marvellous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card. 'Get him to give me a call.'

So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says, 'Hey Mr Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'

'I'm always looking for the next job,' says the duck. 'Where is it?'[/FONT][FONT='Tahoma','sans-serif']

'At the circus,' says the barman.

'The circus?' repeats the duck.

'That's right,' replies the barman.

'The circus?' the duck asks again. 'That place with the big tent?'

'Yeah,' the barman replies.

'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.

'Of course,' the barman replies.

'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.

'That's right!' says the barman.[/FONT][FONT='Tahoma','sans-serif']

The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says . . .[/FONT][FONT='Tahoma','sans-serif']


[/FONT][FONT='Tahoma','sans-serif']'What the f*** would they want with a plasterer??!'[/FONT]

>
> > A 45 year old woman, Edna, had a heart attack and was taken to
> the
> > hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death
> > experience. Seeing God she asked "Is my time up?" God said, "No,
> you
> > have another 43 years, 2 months and 8 days to live."
> >
> > Upon recovery, Edna decided to stay in the hospital and have a
> > face-lift, liposuction, breast implants and a tummy tuck. She
> even had
>
> > someone come in and change her hair colour and brighten her teeth!
> > The full package and since she had so much more time to live, she
> > figured she might as well make the most of it.
> >
> > After her last operation, she was released from the hospital
> but,
> > while crossing the street on her way home, she was run over by an
> > ambulance and killed.
> >
> > Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I
> had
> > another 43 years? Why didn't you pull me from out of the path of the
> > ambulance?"
> >
> > ............................................
> >
> >
> > God replied: "Well f*** me Edna, I didn't recognise you !!"

Celibacy: This can be a choice in life, or a condition imposed by environmental factors.

While attending a Marriage Encounter Weekend, Robert and Mary listened to the instructor declare 'It is essential that husbands and wives know the things that are important to each other.'

He addressed the men. 'Can you each name and describe your wife's favourite flower?'

Robert leaned over, touched Mary's arm gently and whispered, 'Self Raising, isn't it?'

Thus began Robert's life of Celibacy.

Childbirth at 65 Too good not to pass on, Enjoy !!!
With all the new technology regarding fertility recently, a 65-year-old friend of mine was able to give birth. When she was discharged from the hospital and went home, I went to visit.
'May I see the new baby?' I asked
'Not yet,' She said 'I'll make coffee and we can visit for a while first.'
Thirty minutes had passed, and I asked, 'May I see the new baby now?'
'No, not yet,' She said.
After another few minutes had elapsed,
I asked again, 'May I see the baby now?'
'No, not yet,' replied my friend.

Growing very impatient, I asked, 'Well, when can I see the baby?'

'WHEN HE CRIES!' she told me.

'WHEN HE CRIES?' I demanded. 'Why do I have to wait until he CRIES?'

'BECAUSE I FORGOT WHERE I PUT HIM, O.K.?

Paddy was working at the fish plant in Cork when he accidentally cut off all 10 of his fingers.

He went to the emergency room in Cork 's hospital.

The doctor looked at Paddy and said, 'Lets be avin' da fingers and I'll see what oi can do'.

Paddy said, 'Oi haven't got da fingers.'

'Whadda ya mean you haven't got da fingers?

Lord Tunderin' Jesus, it's 2008 man! We's got microsurgery and all kinds of incredible techniques.

I could have put dem back on and made you like new! Why didn't ya bring da fingers?!?'

And Paddy said, ' How da fock was I 'spose to pick dem up?'

LIFE IN A MENTAL HOSPITAL A nurse walks into a room and sees a patient pretending he's driving a truck, with his hand at 10 to 2. The nurse asks him, 'Kenny ! What are you doing ?' Kenny replies, Can't talk right now I'm driving to Melbourne !' The nurse wished him a good and safe trip and leaves the room. The next day the nurse enters Kenny's room just as he stops driving his imaginary truck and she asks , 'Well Kenny, how was your trip ?' Kenny says , I'm exhausted, I just got to Melbourne and I need some rest.' That's great, replied the nurse,' I'm glad you had a safe trip.' The nurses leaves Kenny's room, and goes across the hall into another patients room and finds Davo sitting on his bed masturbating virgorously. In shock she shouts, 'DAVO what are you doing ! ?' To which Davo replies, 'SHHHHH, I'm shagging Kenny's wife while he's in Melbourne'.

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it worked on me