Febuary Humour Thread

[VladTepes]

OK so it's a bit early but I beat the pack because I drive a Land Rover.




A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. While they were walking through the barn, the farmer's mule suddenly reared up and kicked the mother-in-law in the head, killing her instantly.

At the funeral service a few days later, the farmer stood near the casket and greeted folks as they walked by.

The pastor noticed that whenever a woman would whisper something to the farmer, he would nod his head "Yes" and say something. Whenever a man walked by and whispered to the farmer, he would shake his head, "No" and mumble a reply.

Curious, the pastor later asked the farmer what that was all about.

The farmer replied, ''The women would say, 'What a terrible tragedy' and I would nod my head and say, 'Yes, it was.'
The men would ask, 'You wanna sell that mule?' and I would shake my head and say, 'Can't. It's all booked up for a year."

[Phoenix]

boom boom!!! Classic

[incisor]

sigh....

[Mick-Kelly]

At least we know Vlads still alive. His new wife must have let him out of sight for a minute . Back to the bedroom now Vladdy.

[DiscoTDI]

Why do Ladas have heated rear windscreens?


































































To keep your hands warm while you are pushing it

[William]

A penguin is out for a drive along the beach on a really nice summers day. his car (obviously not a landrover) begins to backfire and run very roughly. He pulls into a garage and the mechanic tells him he'll check it out but it could be an hour or so.

Off walks the penguin and he happens upon an ice cream shop. He loves ice cream. So he goes in an orders a large bowl of his favourite flavour vanilla. Now, not having any fingers he can't use a spoon. No problem there as he uses his flippers and scoops away, although naturally some ends up around his nose and face as he enjoys his delicious treat. Having finished he then walks back to the garage and asks the mechanic what the problem is

"Mate it looks like you've blown a seal", says the mechanic.
"No no no', says the penguin, "I was just eating ice cream".

[FenianEel]

A young couple in the 1950's were honeymooning at Loch Ness.
The husband wakes up early and looks out the window.
Startled he calls to his new wife, "Honey, come and have a look at this Monster."
She replies "If you pull that thing out one more time, I'm going home to Mother."

[crump]

A drunk walks into a Butcher and says"Give us arf a dozen P I S Soles will ya mate." The butcher says "You mean Rissoles its spelt with an "R" not a"P"."
The drunk then replys"Well give us arfa dozen A R S e holes then."

[FenianEel]

English cricket

[FenianEel]

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again.

The local paper read: PASTOR'S ASS OUT FRONT

The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not to enter the donkey in another race.

The next day, the local paper headline read : BISHOP SCRATCHES PASTOR'S ASS

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the pastor to get rid of the donkey. The pastor decided to give it to a nun in a nearby convent.

The local paper, hearing of the news, posted the following headline the next day: NUN HAS BEST ASS IN TOWN.

The bishop fainted. He informed the nun that she would have to get rid of the donkey, so she sold it to a farmer for $10.

The next day the paper read: NUN SELLS ASS FOR $10

This was too much for the bishop, so he ordered the nun to buy back the donkey and lead it to the plains where it could run wild.

The next day the headlines read: NUN ANNOUNCES HER ASS IS WILD AND FREE .

The bishop was buried the next day.