Mid September Joke Thread

[VladTepes]

Well I couldn't find the old thread......


The ultimate disclaimer:

http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fusea...deoid=15843759

[VladTepes]

and another disclaimer:

Sex - May cause a child, STD, or relationship. In severe cases, you may be required to listen.

[barryj]

Well I couldn't find the old thread......


The ultimate disclaimer:

http://myspacetv.com/index.cfm?fusea...deoid=15843759

That guy needs to do more research on the topic.

[VladTepes]

SOME OF THESE MIGHT NOT BE JOKES

A Swiss guy visited Sydney, Australia, and pulled up at a bus stop where two locals were waiting.
"Entschuldigung, sprechen Sie Deutsch?" he asked.
The two Aussies just stared at him.
"Excusez-moi, parlez vous Francais?" he tried.
The two continued to stare.
"Parla lei Italiano?"
Other than a glance at each other, there was still no response.
"Habla Espanol?"
Still nothing. The Swiss guy gave up and drove off, extremely disgusted.
When he was gone, the first Aussie turned to the second and said, "Y'know, maybe we should learn a foreign language."
"Why?" the other replied. "That guy knew four languages, and it didn't do him any good."



A woman walks into her boss' office with this complaint:
"All the other women in the office are suing you for sexual harassment. Since you haven't sexually harassed me, I'm suing you for discrimination."



Mother Superior calls all the nuns together and says to them, "I must tell you something. We have a case of gonorrhoea in the convent."
"Thank God," says an elderly nun in the back. "I’m so tired of chardonnay."



A man was going door-to-door doing a sexual survey in Jeff's neighborhood. "How often a week do you sleep with your wife?" asked the inquirer.
"Three times," Jeff said without hesitation.
"That is once more often than your neighbor," the inquirer said, writing.
"That makes sense," Jeff said, "after all, she's MY wife."

[VladTepes]

101 Uses For Vaseline
A woman answers the door to a market researcher. "Good morning madam, I'm doing some research for Vaseline. Do you use it at all in your household?"
"Oh yes, all the time. It's very good for cuts, grazes and burns."
"Do you use it for anything else?"
"Like what?"
"Ahem.. err.. well.. during.. ahem.. sex."
"Oh, of course. Yes, I smear it on the bedroom doorknob to keep my husband out!"

[Disco Pom]

Son asked his mother the following question:

"Mum, why are wedding dresses white?"

The mother looks at her son and replies,

"Son, this shows your friends and relatives that your bride is pure."

The son thanks his Mum and goes off to double-check this with his father.

"Dad why are wedding dresses white?"

The father looks at his son in surprise and says,

"Son, all household appliances come in white."


.....not that brave..

[VladTepes]

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help
me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get
started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to
her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a
nice cup of tea, and then .." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. .

"We will put all the Corn Flakes back into the box.”

[Defender=1st]

Funny Story

Drink Driving...

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!
From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true
story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes,
with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles,
the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off
(it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off,
tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more
vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down
the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time,
now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of alcohol.
He said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police
Station, this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy".

[barryj]

Funny Story

Drink Driving...

Only an Aussie could pull this one off!
From the state where drink driving is considered a sport, comes a true
story from the Sunshine Coast, Queensland.
Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local neighbourhood
tavern. Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so
intoxicated that he could barely walk.
The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes,
with the officer quietly observing.
After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles,
the man managed to find his car, which he fell into.

He was there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar
and drove off.
Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off
(it was a fine dry night), flicked the indicators on, then off,
tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.
He moved the vehicle forward a few cm, reversed a little and then
remained stationary for a few more minutes as some more
vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down
the road.
The police officer, having patiently waited all this time,
now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights,
promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyser test.
To his amazement the breathalyser indicated no evidence of alcohol.
He said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the Police
Station, this breathalyser equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy".

nice one

[incisor]

Two Indians and a West Virginia Hillbilly were walking through the woods.
All of a sudden one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave.
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"he called into the cave and listened
closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Woooooo! He then tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.

The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the remaining Indian what it was all about. "Was the other Indian crazy or what?" The Indian replied "No, It is our custom during mating season when Indian men see cave, they holler 'Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!' into the opening. If they get an answer back, it means there's a beautiful woman in there waiting for us."

Just then they came upon another cave. The second Indian ran up to the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was the answer. "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"from deep inside.
He also tore off his clothes and ran into the opening.

The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then spied a third large cave. As he looked in amazement at the size of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man! Look at the size of this cave!
It is bigger than those the Indians found. There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!" He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might
"Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!"

Like the others, he then heard an answering call,
"WOOOOOOOOO, WOOOOOOOOO WOOOOOOOOO!"
With a gleam in his eye and a smile on his face, heraced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.

The following day, the headline of the local newspaper read...











































"NAKED HILLBILLY Ran OVER BY TRAIN"