Thread: Things I've learnt.....

The Centre for Disease Control has issued a medical alert about a highly contagious, potentially dangerous virus that is transmitted orally, by hand, and even electronically.

This virus is called Weary Overload Recreational Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from your boss, any of your colleagues or anyone else via any means whatsoever - DO NOT TOUCH IT.

This virus will wipe out your private life completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK you should immediately leave the premises.

Take two good friends to the nearest grocery store and purchase one or both of the antidotes -

Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE)

Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER).

Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should immediately forward this medical alert to five friends.

If you do not have five friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.


GOOD LUCK!

52 things you would love to say out loud at work

1. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of ****.

2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.

3. How about never? Is never good for you?

4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to see it my way.

6. (CENSORED--SORRY WAS VERY BAD TASTE)

7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.

8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying.

10. Ahhhh. I see the f*@k-up fairy has visited us again

11. I like you. You remind me of myself when I was young and stupid.

12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

13. I have plenty of talent and vision; I just don't give a ****.

14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of View.

17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

18. Any resemblance between your reality and mine are purely coincidental.

19. What am I? Flypaper for freaks?!

20. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.

21. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

22. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

23. And your cry-baby whiny-arsed opinion would be?

24. Do I look like a f*@king people person to you?

25. This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.

26. I started out with nothing and I still have most of it left.

27. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.

28. If I throw a stick, will you leave?

29. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.

30. Whatever kind of look you were aiming for, you missed.

31. Oh I get it. Like humour, but different.........

32. An office is just a mental institute without the padded walls.

33. Can I swap this job for what's behind door .........1?

34. Too many freaks, not enough circuses.

35. Nice perfume (or aftershave). Must you marinate in it?

36. Chaos, panic, and disorder. My work here is done.

37. How do I set a laser printer to stun?

38. I thought I wanted a career; it turns out I just needed the money.

39. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being more intelligent.

40. Wait a minute - I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.

41. Aren't you a black hole of need.

42. I'd like to help you out, which way did you come in?

43. Did you eat an extra bowl of stupid this morning?

44. Why don't you slip into something more comfortable? Like a coma.

45. If you have something to say raise your hand.........then place it over
your mouth.

46. I'm too busy, can I ignore you some other time?

47. Don't let your mind wander, its too small to be let out on its own.

48. Have a nice day, somewhere else.

49. You're not yourself today, I noticed the improvement straight away.

50. You are as pretty as a picture, I'd really like to hang you.

51. Don't believe everything you think.

52. Do you hear that? That's the sound of no-one caring.



digger

REMEMBER


SILENCE IS GOLDEN.....






BUT DUCT TAPE IS SILVER........

As You Slide Down the Banister of Life, Remember


1. Jim Baker and Jimmy Swaggert have written an impressive new book. It's called ............

'Ministers Do More Than Lay People'

2. Transvestite: A guy who likes to eat, drink and be Mary

3. The difference between the Pope and your boss, the Pope only expects you to kiss his ring.

4. My mind works like lightning, one brilliant flash and it is gone.

5. The only time the world beats a path to your door is if you're in the toilet.

6. I hate sex in the movies. Tried it once. the seat folded up, the drink spilled and that ice, well, it really chilled the mood.

7. It used to be only death and taxes were inevitable. Now, of course, there's shipping and handling, too.

8.. A husband is someone who, after taking the trash out, gives the impression that he just cleaned the whole house.

9. My next house will have no kitchen - just vending machines and a large trash can.

10. A blonde said, 'I was worried that my mechanic might try to rip me off. I was relieved when he told me all I needed was turn signal fluid.'

11. Definition of a teenager?

God's punishment...for enjoying sex.


12. As you slide down the banister of life, may the splinters never point the wrong way

U have just made mi day cheers.

todays installment - its a long one!
Digger

I woke up and wondered what was happening…. Where was everyone? Where did they all go? An old man walked up and asked "Did you sleep well?"
I answered "No, I made a couple of mistakes."
It was then that I remembered why I was there, I had been wearing some prescription eyeglasses. I was walking down the street when suddenly the prescription ran out.I was blind again! I had been going to get some money out at the bank, I saw a bank that said "24 Hour Banking", but I didn't have that much time…I had already stayed up all night playing poker with Tarot cards. I got a full house and seven people died.
I needed to get some money to pay for more petrol, my car uses a lot of petrol. I have done a lot of work on my car, recently I hooked up my accelerator pedal in my car to my brake lights. I hit the accelerator, people behind me stop, and I'm gone.
I put a new engine in my car, but forgot to take the old one out. Now my car goes 150 miles per hour! :DI replaced the headlights in my landrover with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving. I saw a sign: "Rest Area 25 kilometres". That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
Before I ran out of fuel I was going 140 kilometres an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, "Do you know the speed limit is 60 kilometres per hour?" "Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long..." He gave me a ticket…I remember the last time a cop pulled me over, it was for running a stop sign.( My mechanic told me, 'I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.’) He said, "Didn't you see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I still needed petrol so I walked into the service station and they had a TV going, I watched some of the Bathurst race, and I was thinking that if they left earlier they wouldn't have to go so fast.
I realise all my problems stemmed from my childhood, My father was never proud of me. One day he asked me, "How old are you?" I said, "I'm five." He said, "When I was your age, I was six." When I was a little kid we had a sand box. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child... eventually. I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio, And the dog we had…What a dog. His favourite bone was in my arm!"

"I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof. My uncle's dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. (He was in the electric chair.), It was bad, I went to a freak show and they let me in for nothing.

Once when I was lost.. I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him...Do you think we'll ever find them.? He said. I don't know kid.. there are so many places they can hide.
I remember I was so depressed I was going to jump out a window on the tenth floor... so they sent a priest up to talk to me. He looked at me and said,.. On your mark...

On Halloween the parents sent their kids out looking like me….. Last year.. one kid tried to rip my face off! Now it's different.. when I answer the door the kids hand me candy."

I had a lot of pimples too. One day I fell asleep in a library. I woke up and a blind man was reading my face. I even remember that on my first day of childcare my parents dropped me off at the wrong nursery. There I was... surrounded by trees and bushes

I started to recall the things I have learnt in my life, things like……..Eagles may soar, but weasels don't get sucked into jet engines. When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

I realised I was going to be late for work, I’m a police officer, I had had a terrible day at work yesterday…it started going bad when we were called urgently to a day care where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
As we left there the call came across the radio, The short fortune teller who was a master thief had escaped from prison. Yes so now he was a small medium at large. I hoped it ended better than the last escapee I chased, he was a petty thief but as I chased him through the construction site, the thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. I arrested him but he became a hardened criminal.

I had arrested the petty thief 3 years earlier, he had stolen a calendar and he got twelve months. He was on parole for that when I caught him stealing corn from a garden, I charged him with stalking.
Later I found a bunch of kids walking along the street, one had a pocket full of fireworks and the other was carrying a car battery. I charged one and let the other one off. I took the other kids back to school, I studied history at school and I remember that the roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. while there I realised that we'll never run out of math teachers because they always seem to multiply.

Later I was patrolling the park and was called to a job where an accident had happened, As I neared the scene I wondered why the cricket ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me. I got up and looked at the accident, it was a street busker who had been juggling chainsaws, he slipped and his whole left side was cut off. Don’t worry, He's all right now.

Later I went to a riot that started when dead batteries were given out free of charge. There in the mellee I saw a dentist and a manicurist fight tooth and nail. I stopped them and checked my watch to see the time, it was then I realised my watch was hungry, (I know when my watch is hungry because it goes back four seconds!!.)

I went back into the station, where they told me that the guy who fell onto an upholstery machine 2 weeks ago was fully recovered. I tried to get on the computer, which is on the Local Area Network in Australia: “The LAN down under.” It didn’t work, a new rookie came up and asked me if cops arrest a mime, should they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

The computer started and an email told me they were going to repossess my house, it was then I realised that you are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it. As a cop I know that a lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine. I went to see my sergeant, as I walked into his office he broke into song, after listening to him sing I realised why he broke into song it was because he couldn't find the key.

I saw that it was the 15th of the month, and I realised that my calendar's days are numbered. I drove to the local shops, When you've seen one shopping centre you've seen a mall. As I walked in I remembered when I was an apprentice baker while I was still at school, back then Bakers traded bread recipes on a knead to know basis. Before that I had worked in a pet store and people kept asking how big I'd get.


I saw a photo of a girl I used to know under it, the caption said, When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye. I remember that this girl killed herself in France…I thought If you jump off a Paris bridge, you are in Seine.

Before I was there long we were called to a murder scene, It was a local Mexican man named Juan Gonzales. He had been almost blown in two by some sort of gun, We called he detectives in, they looked quickly and one said “Uh, yes I see now?”

"You can see how was he killed?" I asked one detective.

"Yes, he was shot with a golf gun," the detective replied.

"A golf gun? What is a golf gun?" I said

"I don't know. But it sure made a hole in Juan!":angel:
I spoke to him and then spoke to the crime scene guy and out of the blue he said to me, “Dangerous guys, those dinosaurs, master criminals I reckon. Be careful because footprints we found but there are no finger-prints anywhere….” He was right I couldn’t recall any dinosaur being convicted….
I left the scene….
I started thinking about mortality, I intend to live forever,. “So far, so good” I thought. Then I saw the local idiot that makes working here miserable, He walked up and immediately started talking. “I didn’t do it” he bleated, “I believe that honesty is the best policy”
How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you’ve tried some of the others? I asked, he started to stutter but my partner Ken, walked up and interrupted him, “I hear you changed your mind! What did you do with the nappy?”
There was no reply – the scumbag walked away..
Thanks mate, I said, whats up why do you look so sad? He said, I went to see the new movie ”Constipation?”, Oh yeah I said, whats it like? It hasn’t come out yet, he said…

I walked down the road wondering about the usual things,
How does a spy know when he’s run out of invisible ink?
How do you throw away a garbage can?
How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?
How does it work out that these people always die in alphabetical order?
If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
I was still mulling over my bad luck of late… I was on a date recently, and I took the lady horseback riding. That was kind of fun, until we ran out of 20 cent pieces. I realised that I needed to relax, after work I participate in full-contact origami. It is very relaxing because years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down.
I know that money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with. I did realise that I don't have a big ego. I'm way too cool for that.
Some things still bother me, like If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the 'terminal'?, If God had intended for man to use the metric system, Jesus would have only had ten disciples!
I have learnt things being a cop, like that Regular naps prevent old age..... especially if you take them while driving, that Women should not have children after 35. Really... 35 children are enough. And that outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. I used to wonder why the dogs always drink out of our toilets, but look at it from their point of view: why do humans keep peeing into their water bowls? If a train station is where the train stops, what is a work station? With all my experiences I'm writing a book. So far I've got the page numbers done.
A number of years ago I met a blonde girl, when I met her she had red hair, She dyed her hair so much, her driver's license had a colour wheel." I knew she was a blonde though because since I’ve been going out with her…she tripped over a cordless phone, ...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate" ...she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind....she got stabbed in a shoot-out....she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK"....she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order....she sent me a fax with a stamp on it....she tried to drown a fish....if you gave her a 2c for her thoughts, you'd get change back....they had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade…..I stopped seeing her because she got locked in a supermarket and starved to death.

We had a girl, the other day she came home, she is a second grader and said to her grandmother, “Grandma, guess what? We learned how to make babies today.”

Grandmother, more than a little surprised, tried to keep her cool. “That’s interesting,” she said, “how do you make babies?”

“It’s simple,” replied Sarah. “You just change ‘y’ to ‘i’ and add ‘es’.”
I like being a Dad, and it doesn’t really cost much to have fun with your kids, Like most people don't realize that large pieces of coral, which have been painted brown and attached to the skull by common wood screws, can make a child look like a deer.

Whenever Sarah asks where rain comes from, I think a cute thing to tell her is "God is crying." And if she asks why God is crying, another cute thing to tell her is "probably because of something you did."

I did learn that when a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her because they think that a man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.


Being a cop for so long I have realised that Common sense is the least common of all senses. I can tell you don't marry a tennis player - love means nothing to them. I realise that having a smoking section in a restaurant is a little like having a peeing section in a pool. In know that some drink at the fountain of knowledge. Others just gargle. I learnt the hard way that the only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
My Sergeant ,Ken, got divorced and he bought his daughter the new "Divorce Barbie"
It comes with all of Ken's stuff. He went to see a psychiatrist. He says, "Doc, I can't seem to make any friends. Can you help me, you fat slob?" Yesterday he said to me, "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
I reckon that anyone who goes to a psychiatrist ought to have his head examined. --
I've used up all my sick days, so now days I'm calling in dead. I get sick a lot which is unusual because I have the body of a god -----Buddha!. The doctor gave me a pamphlet and when I read about the evils of drinking...I gave up reading.

No wonder I get crook, I mean Why is lemonade mostly artificial ingredients, but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons? I have remarried, I think when you remarry you understand a lot more, I think it's sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as a pack of wild dogs.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday, She isn't very bright. The other day she was at the store and just as she was heading for our car, someone stole it! I said...did you see the guy that did it? She said ... No, but I got the license plate."

I’ve been looking to sleep around, the other day a girl phoned me and said...Come on over there's nobody home. I went over... Nobody was home! So I went to a massage parlour. It was self service.


I still ponder the deeper things, like Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime? If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen? If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose? If nothing ever sticks to Teflon, how do they make Teflon stick to the pan? If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? Why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive? Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations? Why are cigarettes sold in service stations when smoking is prohibited there? Why are there interstate highways in Tasmania?

You know how most packages say "Open here". What is the protocol if the package says, "Open somewhere else"? Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? How did a fool and his money get together? Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? How do they get kangaroos to cross at that yellow road sign?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? What do they use to ship styrofoam? When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn? Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? Is it possible to be totally partial? What's another word for thesaurus? What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites? If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny? If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound? Can you be a closet claustrophobic? When it rains, why don't sheep shrink? If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? Why is the word abbreviation so long?

Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

Maybe I’ll just call it a day and go home, so as I drove home I passed a traffic light where 1,500 chinese workers were changing the green globe at the traffic light. I stopped and asked him why so many workers and why all Chinese?

He said that it was a conficious traffic light…. I told him I didn’t understand and he said, you know, many hands make light work…

I drove on…I pulled up next to a Zen Buddhist and heard him say to the hot dog vender……"Make me one with everything."
I realised that There are 3 kinds of people in life: Those who can count and those who can't.
When I got home, just before I went to sleep I thought Gee, Nostalgia ain't what it used to be..

still going............

more things Ive learnt
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory.

A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered desk drawer.

A day without sunshine is like, night.

All generalizations are false, including this one.

Artificial Intelligence usually beats real stupidity.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Auntie Em, Hate you, hate Kansas, taking the dog. Dorothy.

Boycott shampoo! Demand the REAL poo!

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?

Don't be irreplaceable; if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

Duct tape is like the force, it has a light side and a dark side and it holds the universe together.

Energizer Bunny arrested and charged with battery.

Error, no keyboard. Press F1 to continue.

For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

Forget world peace. Visualize using your turn signal.

My mate told me to get a new defender for my wife; it'll be a great trade!

I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame you.

I feel like I'm diagonally parked in a parallel universe.

I poured Spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

I tried sniffing Coke once, but the ice cubes got stuck in my nose.

I'm as confused as a baby in a topless bar.

If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.

Okay, who put a stop payment on my reality check?

Save the whales. Japan has almost Collected the whole set

Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date!

The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.

The sex was so good that even the neighbors had a cigarette.

There's too much blood in my caffeine system.

You can do more with a kind word and a gun than with just a kind word.

have a great day! (join in at anytime!)
digger

JAPAN JITTERS
A.J.OAK - special correspondent

Following the problems in the sub-prime lending market in America and the run on Northern Rock in the UK, it appears uncertainty has now hit Japan.

In the last 7 days...
*Origami Bank has folded,
*Sumo Bank has gone belly up
and Bonsai Bank announced plans to cut some of its branches.

Yesterday in one day it was announced that-
*Karaoke Bank is up for sale and will likely go for a song, while today shares in Kamikaze Bank were suspended after they nose-dived.

While Samurai Bank is soldiering on following sharp cutbacks,
Ninja Bank is reported to have taken a hit, but they remain in the black, and have not yet 'turned turtle'.

Furthermore, 500 staff at Karate Bank got the chop and analysts report that there is something fishy going on at the Sushi Bank where it is feared that staff may get a raw deal.

Further recession is likely to occur in the near future.