Thread: The book, An introduction

You'd assume that most of the problems I face from day to day life would come from the ineducated selfish head in anus monkey felchers with no class or common decency.

I thought so, at least I used to... Without fear I can now safely say that as a defence force we are basically screwed. Now normally I'm a calm man, I dont get to the point of feeling the need to kill someone unless they've done something that Darwin would have solved except for murphys intervention.

A couple of days ago I was forced to make not one but 2 much needed exceptions (inside of about 30 mintues) and were it not for the implicit problems for me personally and physically correcting a pair of idiots who obviously traded common decency and intelligence for their stature within the hierarchy Id have happily acted on my most basic of desires.

to set the tone of the story my day had started out in its normal fashion with the phrases, "amongst those other things do you think you could find time to..." and "dont forget the compulsory brief at XX, CO's Directive, dont miss it" so with the clock kind of short and the tasks listing high it was definitely going to cut into my break times so I countered the conversation with, something akin to "Sure, but to make it easy can I have the nissan for the morning and between bits do you mind if I knock over some pers admin and take the vehicle to the pool canteen on the way through?" the typical whatever it takes, get it done kind of permission was given so I was off.

So with a couple of the jobs boxes definitely and firmly crossed off and with time showing on the clock I parked it up at the post office, got the last bay and it was the easy one to get into... Lucky, (and yes thank you by now I am well aware that I should be paying attention to the warning bells that never seem to sound till its too late) every one who was in the post office was busy picking envelopes, writing addresses and what not else and the person at the counter was picking up packets with a receipts so straight up to the counter for me and pers admin done in 40 seconds flat. How good is this day... Down the steps into the nissan, key in ignition look up and... Hello some idiot has just pulled up in front of me and is getting out of the car, "no, its ok, I'll only be a couple of minutes."

next up Im at the pool canteen, now the ladies here take phone orders as well as over the counter and 15 odd minutes ago Ive ordered a chips and gravy, large with chicken salt. I get to do this about once a week, and do so free of the guilt of the damage that I'm doing to my body by having it. I shall digress.

These chips these pefectly succulantly sliced boiled in oil lashed with chicken salt and doused in gravy thats about as thick as road tar but infinately more tasty chips are to die for, as in get between me and my chips with and ice cold bottle of coke that ices up as I crack the top on a hot day and I am going to kill you. Im a diver, Im a male, I have, on more than one occasion been known to quip back at people who say Im sex crazed that sex is second only to oxygen in my list of needs for survival But sometimes Im happy to hold my breath.she I've been in the situation when I'd trade a night of sex with a room full of nymphos for a plate of these chips. A jaffle on a cold night or a plate of those chips, tough call but the chips. hold on... I cant believe Ive only just thought of this... Im taking the jaffle iron to work tomorrow and Im going to jaffle some of those chips. those of you who hear moans of ecstasy torrow bout lunch time, dont worry its me experiencing what Im certain will be listed as my last meal should I ever wind up on death row. not just that good, better.

anyway, I'm being very patient at this time, I can tell the chips are nearly done but the ladies behind the counter are flat out trying to make everyone food and take their orders, sure enough the phone rings, "Large chips and gravy with a coke, done $XX, be ready shortly."

hmmm shes salting my chips and its the big thick chunky grain salt and god look at the gravy, she cant even pour it out of the jug she has to ladle it out, sorry arteries but this is going to be great.. on the counter, wait for it wait for it...... "Chips gravy and coke?" I step forwards annnd some smack monky in pretty boy blues has dropped his cash on the counter and taken my chips.. scuse me mate, when did you order them? "on the phone bout 5 minutes ago." Well pal. those chips are mine, Ive been waiting for them for about 20 minutes now... "well, theyre mine now, Ive paid for them and Im going to eat them bye now" buddy dont be a complete (and for the benefit of the swear filter lets assume that I said the following long diatribe as opposed to the vernacular of the feminine genitalia that rhymes with a grid iron kick) Pole smoking fetid breathed monkey ******** slopbag filled with the puss of a thousand flea infested camel rectums, Ive got to be at a meeting in 10 minutes and don't have time to wait for another batch of chips, those are mine and you know it, "so have I, neither do I, I do and I dont care, its your problem".


Worst part about this.. Nothing I could do in either case. Those people who I would have parked a tyre on then dismantled the engine and quite happily disembowled with the blunt end of a con rod under more normal circumstances I couldnt touch swear at or extact instant brutal and cold justice on. And why....

These clowns, who I would normally associate as being the kind of socially retarded self centered bean biters fit only for employment by emotionally fragile primadonna catwalk rakes as yesmen are allegedly my superiors... Thats right ladies and gentle men I thought it was bad when I only had to deal with this at the bottom end of the food chain were Officers. Supposedly those that we the plebs of the defence force are ment to look up to, aspire to be and be inspired by.

Having had an absoloute **** of the last 4-5 days, the latest finding me elbow deep in the bowels of a recalcitrant holden v6 whilst still recuperating from my latest dose of the dreaded lurgy, I come home at ~9:45pm to discover an update to "The Book"......

Suddenly, the world seems a little brighter.....

Dave, once again, THANKYOU, you are a king amongst men!

Every now and then I get to see the evidence of whats at the core of the rot in todays society..

Now I like to think that as far as parenting goes that I'm not doing it too far away from right. I mean in my heart I dont believe that at any stage your likely to see a photo of Alex and me on failblog captioned "you're doing it wrong" ok some people may question that when they see me driving fozzy with the country wound up and alex in the passanger seat but thats not the point.

Some people, morons, as I like to refer to them, are decidedly not doing it right.

Alex had come tear assing across the playground tears falling, and after a little bit of sobbing it turns out that after politely waiting his turn at a bit of equipment had been cut off by a significantly larger boy and when hed pointed out that thats not nice the bigger boy had given him a shove. Now I was sure that there was a simple and reasonable explanation for this. There was, it was simple, reasonable umm no well not in my book.

Apparently and Im not making this up, "Im bigger and stronger so I get to go first" as I try to explain with alex hiding behind my legs to this future stain on society that perhaps thats not right he calls his dad over and makes some claim that Im threatening him and that Im trying to push alex in in front of him. This I find somewhat amusing I mean fairs fair the little snot is trying to run with bigger and stronger gets to go first yet when alex applied a little logic and went and got bigger and stronger on his side this little stain has decided that thats not part of his rule set and damn its not fair. At least he showed enough wits to call dad..

now his dads not a small bloke and when I say that I dont mean hes 7 foot tall and muscular, nor do i mean that hes a fat jolly bloke who could stand in for santa I mean hes got the kind of look of the school bully whose gotten by by virtue of the fact that he was just a naturally bigger kid tallish and a touch obese and decidedly not showing any signs of any kind of finesse to his movement. The intimidating insults with no thought for the presence of young uns start from about 20 feet out...

Trying to sort this out using communication is not going well for me, my apparent lesser physical presence, is not intimidating this ole boy in anyway thats registering at his mental level, bigger is better and right stronger and bigger well thats always the winning combo. By the time I get round to realising that yes, this kids problem is the way his old mans trying to bring him up the dads loosing patients because his kids not having any fun on the play gear while hes getting an example on how bigger always wins. I wind on the pressure and eventually I get the result Im looking for, the direct physical threat...

I turn around to alex and as I'm trying to tell him that hed better go off and have some fun with his other friends I get that shove in the back that I find a touch unsportsman like and words I didnt want to hear, "yeah you and your looser kid **** off..." "Ok alex you need to go away, Daddy doesnt want you to see this" "what you beaten" I spend a few seconds dodging while encouraging Alex to go be somewhere else, eventually and thankfully he does. A quick single parry with a step, fade a grab and a pull and one of us is overbalanced face down in the sand and since Im not the one throwing the punches I decide that a knee in the middle of his back to keep him down is entirely fair play at this point.

at this point Im finding the look on his kids face entertaining apparently this is not the way this is supposed to go. I decided to hammer it home "This is your fault kid, all you had to do was be nicer than your dad and play fair".

Dads turn and he cops a serve about the bigger should be helping the smaller and the stronger the weaker because often enough the smarter and faster beat out the big and the stupid.

*Stands- Applauds*
Sometimes you just have to change your communication style to suit the recipient in order to facilitate a more efficient transfer of ideas
; )
Onya Dave

I've been asked on occasion why I keep recommending and using the providers that I do from telcos, to laptops and even landrover parts suppliers. Why in particular do I keep going to places that arent the cheapest or the closest.

Now Im not going to stand here and claim that I have the cheapest suppliers on the planet, I don't, nor am I going to claim complete and utter perfection from them, they're not. But what they are is good and I mean very good at doing what needs to be done and forming the pivot against which I can apply the force required to keep murphy at bay. Thats unbelievably important to me and its why I keep going back to the places I go back to.

Over the years I've developed a working relationship with my suppliers and when Im in a NIRTS (Need It Right This Second) or NIRN (Need It Right Now) situation I know I can count on them. Its gotten to the point that when I'm dealing with a situation that can need one or 3 varients of parts (or equipment) if the details arent available to discern what I actually need to sort out the problem from the info that I have then they just send me everything I need to overcome all variants knowing that I'm going to send back what I don't need at the end of the job. Why? Customer loyalty when it comes to solving problems 90% of the time If I can crystal ball the question you're asking me I'll be telling you the name and number of my suppliers before you finish asking the question.

The other side is, the guys I get my gear from listen, If one of my customers is making noise about a problem and I go and have a look and make phone calls and make noise my guys listen and we work on what needs to be done to solve the problem, Why? because with the solution mapped out, work arounds figured out and the problem solved when the same thing comes up in a NIRTS or NIRN then the actions on have been mapped out in a calmer more friendly environment.

Heres the best bit, None of my suppliers expect total loyalty, they have every right to and deserve it but they know where their boundries are and they play within them. If a customer gives me a 12 month notice for a job, we have all the information and he wants to get the parts at 1/3rd the price from mongolias lower province in china then they're ok with that, they know they cant match the price and dont try to. They know that I'll be standing there in front of the customer telling them that the cast playdough parts theyve bought are unlikely to have a returnable warranty and that when the parts fail I'll still be pointing the customer at my suppliers along with a hefty Told you so. If the job works out with the cheaper parts and enough people do it then theres a chance that my supplier may just be in contact with the mongol makers to investigate getting their parts online. Every one wins.

Now usually by now someone has tried to point out that every situation should be handled as NIRTS and NIRN and for those of you thinking that, hi, welcome to reality nice of you to join us.

No, not every situation is NIRTS or NIRN. The Right part of it stands for correct not as in immediately partly because any idiot can send you an incorrect part that you've misidentified in an express post bag moreso because saying Immediatly this second or Immediately now is kinda redundant in the same way that ATM machine is.

If your car is off the road, you have another car to keep you mobile and you're not about to loose a heap of money because you cant get from A-B or do your job because of the breakdown or repair then its not a NIRTS or NIRN situation achieving a NIRTS/NIRN solution in these conditions isnt a requirement its professionalism, a courtesy if you like. Its what we aim for but sometimes it just doesnt happen..

Lets say for a second its 2 weeks before you go on a big trip, have to do a major presentation or anything else you can think of and something goes wrong. I come out to fix the problem but cant because component Y is a bit different on your gear and I need to get something different so your gear is offline for 2 more days before I can fix it. Thats not a Nirts/Nirn, Theres usually something else that you can be doing or using as a stop gap and its still 2 weeks to go before the big jobs on.

lets transpose that to 1 day or even 2 hours before it all happens... That makes it NIRTS/NIRN and its now that customer loyalty pays off because once I've identified that its thus and so and I need a thingamajigger and a dohsywhatsit I'll get whats most likely needed plus the extras that will let me get it done regardless of the slight changes that I wasnt expecting.

Me, I think that the cost and taking the time to develop the customer provider relationship that gets me all the right parts even if I've had to be a little bit vague on the details is worth it (in some cases when Ive had to order parts for customers with just a couple of correct bits of information and lots of wrong the right parts have been delivered for the job.)

Now never let it be said that I'm into a gentle learning curve or simple problems its just not me, I'm the kinda guy who likes a challenge, A holiday trip, from Darwin to perth sure, but lets make it interesting, lets do it in a soft top 1950's jeep, with a low compression F head engine, thats down on compression on 1 pot, with a 3 speed, with a crack in the casing. Sure thats a challange enough in itself but not for me, I'll throw a trailer on the back AND then just to make it interesting I'll do it all in a cyclone. No points for the shallow end of the pool for this little black duck. Just to make it really interesting, I wont take the doors and I'll arrange for the wipers to give up part way through Its just the kind of guy I am.

Now my wife, it seems has decided to take a leaf out of my book and in her quest to get fit and the never ending desire for more money has decided to take on a pamphlet delivery run. Now anyone else would simply think this is a good idea and take on the run at some time when not every tom dick harry, jones, brad, bob, jeff, brett, thommo and dicko were advertising you know like say 2 weeks before Xmas.
IMAG0346.jpg
13 of the buggers at least half of them the size of a small community newspaper, Enough to require that she not only go once in the disco but then have the cheek to come back, unload all the stuff we never take out of the back to go out again to pick up the run and THEN have the audacity to call me and ask about how to drop the back seat to make a bit more room.

12hours of finger cramping folding followed by the inevitable "hey honey, you used to have a paper route, would you mind coming along and helping me work out how to do this one? it'll be fun we'll take Alex he'll have a ball and you can listen to country and I wont complain" (the last half of that is rapidly becoming a statement that lets me know that Im shortly to have a new chapter for this thing in the same way that "you're a mechanic right?" when Im head first in an engine bay does) 4 hours of delivering later and its done...

Now usually when you take on a job not only do you not take it on right before its about to get really hard (well not normal people anyway) you also dont take it on right before you go on holidays. So now, the week before Xmas and shes got to find someone to take her place and deliver the pamphlets. Fortunately this being Ipswich finding someone to do it isn't that hard and one of her friends volunteers, yes, I know we need some smarter friends but think about it If they were smarter they probably wouldnt be our friends.

we get back from our holidays and take on yet anther mammoth fold the seats down delivery. on the way back we get to chat to the friend that she offloaded the run onto. 3 pamphlets, 2 of them just single page flyers.

Great not only do I now have to contend with my wife taking on huge efforts on my behalf Murphies gotten into the act. I can see it now, my next kid will most likely be conceived in an act not only involving standing up in a hammock nor standing up in a canoe because for most people either one of those would present challange enough.

I'll rig the hammock on a pair of canoes And on top of that I wont rig them athwart because that might just lend some stability to the situation I'll go with Fore'n'aft because that will make it all just that much more unstable I figure that with as difficult as that will be there'll be nothing else my wife or murphy can do to make it harder. But you know what. I bet that with my luck of late after I goto all the effort of getting the canoes in place, erecting the hammock and perfecting the act of standing up in the canoe supported hammock SWMBO will have a headache.

yes, its that time again....

I figure that at some point in my life Im going to get to have a nice sane sensible life surrounded by situations that are so normally mundane that the things I decide to write here about fall into the catagory of "I was filling out my test form when I grabbed the pen with the blue lid, thinking of all things that it would be an actual blue pen, Imagine my surprise when writing the V of my name I finally worked out that the blue pen was Red and I would have to cross my chromatically erroneous writing out and go again, silly of me not checking the pen first" and everyone complains about how I should perhaps go and move to somewhere a lot more idiotic so that once again you may all find amusement in my suffering and reactions to idiocy.

Today is not the day I get to write one of those stories.

lets start with the gullible... and this is one of those heres your sign moments... the typical off the lights drag between a pair of diesels, my vege oil quaffing tdi200 disco and some lifted and wheeled sort of straight through smoke belching v8 turbo cruiser with the straight out pipe that whistles more than me at a wet t shirt comp. Go grab a sundial, you'll need it for this event.

so he gets me on the first light but in my defence I handt yet realised that this was a drag race untill 300m up the road we're stopped at the next set of lights and hes heaping on my "swearfilter unfriendly description" landrover. so I stage it up... 1500 on the clock, heal toe the anchor and noise, left foot ball on the clutch first gear selected, yellow light on the cross, red... 4,3,2,1 GO... ease up on the clutch slide the heel off the brake and mash the whisper pedal (cmon its a tdi200 how much noise do you think its got?) blip second annnnd wheres the cruiser? oh, right back left blind spot, got him, grab 3rd and why the hell am I bothering 4th and roll up to 60.

now thinking that would be that Ive smugly forgotten all about this mishap until I get out in the carpark and lo, behold a shameful young toyota driver in his gangsta gear making inquiries about what the hell Ive got in this thing.. "ummm 2.5l turbo diesel running vege oil" must be tuned? "nahh had to derate it a touch to get the idle stable on the vege oil." Can i run it? "depends, what engine you got in the cruiser? "the turbo v8" no sorry mate that engine wont handle the vege oil" why not, your engine can.. yeah but my engines old, and has older injectors" so what? you can inject the thicker fuel?" no mate its more powerful, the injectors have older heavier metal in them" really? "yep, the fuels denser so theres more bits to burn in a given shot, that heats up the combustion process spins up the turbo harder so you need the heavier metal in the injectors to handle the heat of full load" so I cant have as much power as you? "nope sorry mate should have gotten a properly made vehicle with a heavy duty engine in it not something thats made for light weight power. Think of it this way, what you want to do is put top fueler drag fuel into a kia, how long and how well do you think that would work without major re-engineering?

Didnt have the heart to tell him that at some point during his big wheel lifted wheeling hed crushed the exhaust down to about the size of something I'd expect to find on a series 1. It was more fun just crushing his mentality.


So obviously, in the worst spirit of the divynals... a fine line btween pleasure and pain Ive had the pleasure now for the hurting.

off to see prometheus Swmbo had gotten out at a pedestrian crossing to go buy us the tickets, we were running tight on time but not critically so. Naturally the car parks packed when on a one way strip of car parks off to my left is a single empty slot. so theres me in a disco going one way on a one way strip between 2 rows of cars with one, just one empty carpark.

When it comes to parking I like to reverse in it does a couple of things for me

1. Its easy, all you have to do is line the rear end up and then steer the front, just like a forklift, no cut no shut no cocking around shifting gears more than once.
2. when its time to go Im in check left check right and go, I can see everything and Im not worried about blind spots behind me little kids coming in where I cant see them from because I can see everything.
3. In a world where most people park nose in It makes spotting the car easier, just look for the barwork out the front.
4. With the back end protected by a wall and a bull bar up the front Im not worried about accident damage from morons who havent worked out how to park yet.
5. If I need to go RIGHT now. the car is pointed in the direction that gives me the most choice of gears, I can be in gear, cranking the engine, steering trying to accelerate and planning whose car is going to get shoved in order to get me out of there NOW. No stopping changing gears and directions or anything esle.

That aside. Ive swept left, pushed the nose over to the right Im prepped to reverse I select reverse, and start to back up to the cachophony of horns and swearing. Hrmmmm,,, that car wasnt there before.. Spank wit has pulled in behind me into the vacant spot I was about to pull into... numb nuts behind him has pulled up to the back bumper and the idiot behind that numb nut has run into the numb nut. To the order of much abuse apparently not only am I not able to reverse into a car park, its illegal and cant be done safely and no, spank wit hoo is trying to get into the park I was getting into is not receptive to the idea that if you drive in you have to reverse out so thats ruled out. Even if he was likely to be inclined to back out and let me in he cant because the idiot behind the numb nut has got everyone up to nose to tail and to make it worse I'm angled up in such a way that I have maybe 6 inches of play room and with old mates car stuck 1/3rd into the parking spot I have almost no chance of getting out without nudging something.

My saving grace, the man in blue...as in a Cop.. has seen the whole thing, heard all the abuse and has offered to move his car out which is the one Im likely to hit which will give me some breathing room to maneuver and a place to park...once hes gotten his car out hes come down to give me a guide, after locking up hes still standing there writing tickets...

with the thoughts of, you know if old mate behind me hadnt been so self considerate this may never have happened I smiled, waved and thanked the copper for his help and thought quietly to my self as I grinned my way away "I just hope that he gets paid by the ticket and that he had a good day..."

oh and chicken salted chips with tar consistancy gravy jaffled... ohhhh yeah.

http://www.aulro.com/afvb/general-ch...hose-days.html

the AULRO search does lead you to interesting things...

Found that one while looking for the blotting paper test.

Just a quick one...

Had a conversation with an officer who was having a bad day. Nothing to do with my end of the world, it was just one of those things, he was having one of those days that makes me write one of these things. He'd asked how the war was going, I told him I was winning and he told me he wasnt. I offered him some words of advise, just change your outlook Sir. When he queried me I just told him that lifes a lot simpler as a confirmed Chaotic Neutral Athiest Anarchist, this netted me the same kind of look I get from Alex when I try to explain complicated concepts to him, sure he's intereseted but confused so I have to try again using the kids words. "It's a lot more fun firing at random into the melee if you dont care who wins in the end".... Hrmmm, some sparks of interest there mayeb he even recognised a few words, I think I've got him dialed in.

Look sir when you're a loose cannon on deck you hit everything you fire at. Let someone else worry about pointing the ship to make your shots land somewhere that hurts their enemy more than them. nooo not quite there...

how about...

If you dont care what you're shooting at, you can call whatever you hit the target and If you dont care about collatoral damage you can up the Rate of fire without concern.

which was met with "I think I'm worried about you" Nahh sir dont be its just that you're not over on my side. "Thats fair enough but whose side are you on"

Sides Sir? who said anything about taking sides.

Silence.

Not sure If I helped or not