Thread: Sir Humbert has woken from his coma...

Jeffrey, Sir Humberts' manservant, emailed me. For your information:

Sir Humbert is still in a comatose state, following the visit to the colony, India, and the acquisition of his beloved Land Rover carriages by said colonial Indian company, Tata.

In their graciousness, the aforesaid Indians have allowed Sir Humbert to remain with Land Rover as Emeritus Chairman of our royal group of companies. I am sure you will be pleased to know that the Indians have and seek the best interests of Land Rover. And as you well know, the Indians have a wonderful record of making, to this day, fine British cars, such as the Morris Oxford.

This does give Sir Humbert some relief, as I understand, that one, or more, of Sir Humberts' numerous children was conceived in an aforesaid Morris Oxford.

Sir Humbert does not allow such information about conception in a Land Rover, suffice to say, that if or when this subject is recalled, he smiles. In his comatose state, due to an excess of curry in the colony, a smile from his face illuminates his many children and loyal staff, of which I am one.

However, Sir Humbert is not well, he drifts in and out of coma, I do believe this was partly exacerbated by his hospital bed room cohort, one Richard Hammond, a.k.a. the 'hamster' who never shut up, even though he was dead for some time, following his unfortunate attempt to drive a rocket car off road at 300 miles per hour.

While said 'hamsters' folly initially improved Sir Humberts condition, Sir Humbert slid back into the coma following the admission of said 'hamster' to the same hospital as our Emeritus Chairman.

Sir Humbert does have a message for those in the colonies who continue to use and abuse his carriages. I recorded his words in my poor pitman shorthand, and his garbling rant, was not overly coherent, as follows:

"Jeffrey, dear boy, you must compose my Christmas message to all in the colonies. Tell them I love them and that curry is an English cuisine. I decree that from this date, all Land Rover carriages shall be installed with curry hooks; this is a device I have purloined from our thankfully temporary association with the damned Yanks. However, it has come to my attention that our carriages have been installed with 'cup-holders', please inform all servants of the carriage, that these devices are to be described as, 'tea cup holders'. Wedgwood, of course, in the senior carriages, Fitz and Floyd, to be installed in our vehicles for the younger monarchy.

And Jeffrey, inform those who leased our Defenders, that they have made a decision for King and Country.
It is vital to defend the Kingdom and the Monarchy. And Jeffrey, now that blasted 'hamster' person has departed this hospital, I am also to depart. Jeffrey, we are going to the far colony, Australia; in my comatose state, my dreams were of a Christmas without snow. Sir Murray Rivers QC has a mansion at Portsea Victoria, and as I am said 'hip and groovy', Jeffrey, at your most immediate, please organise forthwith an early sail to the colony on our beloved S.S. Brittania. I assume Sir Murray has docking facilities, and Jeffrey, one hundred carriages for the colony, on board, post haste."

I was scribing, as Sir Humbert was masked, I have no presumption of nitrous oxide gas, but it has awakened our beloved Sir Humbert.

Oh dear, the heat in your colony in your summer, one suspects one must wear socks and sandals and bermuda shorts. I worry about about Sir Humbert; in his rambilngs, he now wishes to embrace surfing, and requests assistance from a colonial, (preferably female and younger) and he mentions a beach, in his delusion he calls the name, Cheviot. If you could, at your earliest convenience, instruct as to the 'surfing' activity?

Your servant, Jeffrey the loyal.

A note from Jeffrey this morning:

Good morning Quiggers, Sir Humbert has requested, following a correspondence, and communication with Sir Leslie Patterson, and his desire of dairy produce, and now surfing, maps of Tasmania.

Apparently he wishes to have one or more in his carriage, when we arrive at the colony.

I have no idea what this means as Tasmania was not a port of call on our itinerary, but Sir Humberts' requests are as always to be followed.

Also, and following the advertisement of your colony on television, Sir Humbert has said the female, one Lara Bingle I believe, or similar, would make for an excellent surfing instructor. Please shortlist approximately 200
surfing instructors, for the perusal of Sir Humbert.

Enjoy your day, dear chap. Jeffrey.