I'm finding it a little hard to follow your description, but the layout should be pretty straightforward.
The relay will have four terminals, or wires, depending on the relay. Two of those contacts will be the switch inside the relay, two will be for the electromagnet that drives the relay.
You're correct in saying that the relay switch terminals are taken up by "reasonably heavy duty cable from power source to relay contacts, other side of relay contacts has two cables that go to the light connectors, back from there to a common earth point."
The remaining two terminals are driving the electromagnet. One of those terminals needs to be connected to earth - pick any earthing point - indeed, many of these relays simply loop the earth wire through the mounting screw for the relay where you bolt it to the bulkhead. The remaining terminal on the relay needs to be driven by the switch. Power from hi-beams into one side of the switch, power out from the switch into the relay. That way your spots can only be activated when you have full beams on, and when you dip your lights, the spots turn off.
Hope that helps.


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