Embarrassment

Well today is a crappy ****faced day for me.I got up got ready went & got smokes & the paper ...Karen walked down the road yesterday & had to force herself not to go to the tattoo shop she wanted to but made sure she didn't & i feel bad about that ........

I haven't slept real good for ages now as neigther of us want to sleep on the lounge as its so uncomfortable & bloody cold .So i only sleep very lightly & not for very long as i'm worried i will roll over & throw my arm over Karen or worse grab something i shouldn't.....

I just want to die now for doing this to Karen , as she has done so much for me & i go & do this to the poor woman .....

My options if i have to go are back to mums or dads or i go into the James Fletcher & get Karen to admit me so i cant come out or back here till she signs me out..
If i go back to mums i feel so uncomfortable cause she is so far close to me you cant tell where i start or she finishes..If i go back to my oldmans well if i go for a shower well all them come in to have a chat thats what they do ,Have a stepsister who lives with them & they all bath together so they can chat ......OH YAY..

So i want to find some deep dark hole & die so everyone will be happy after a week or so they will all be free & happy to live how they want & Karen wont be worried about me at home by myself & she wont worry what sort of mood i willl be in when she comes home ...They would greive for a week & then it would all be great for them all ...
The more i think about it , it would solve everyones problems in one go..
I go through this on a daily basis & Karen shouldn't have to nor does she deserve this she told me last night that she just wants to die because of how she feels & she think she is just using me & making the kids unhappy.
Why have i made the most inportant person in my life feel this way its bad enough i go through this crap & i never ever wanted Karen to feel like i do most days .......

Mind you i did push through the **** & went got smokes , Paper & some money out in case the kids need money for school this week...

I still feel like **** & want to die so bad though. .. . . .

Banjo,NEVERuse a permanent solution to a temporary problem. From what I have seen of life suicide is a cowards way out, the people left behind are the ones to suffer despite what you might think now. ;) As far as I am concerned, if I live to 80, life is still not long enough, you only get one chance at this life so make the most of it!!!!:):)

Banjo, just a thought, I am no expert in situations like yours, I have had a lot of downs in life too as you know and I manage (just) to put a mental fence around them to contain them. But have you thought of contacting the "Black Dog Institute", I believe they deal with depression, Andrew Johns (the footballer) apparently has a lot to do with them!!!:) Only a thought, mate!!!!:)

Hi Jason
I am afraid I agree with ausfree, you need to seek some profession help for yourself and that will also help Karen. Do it TODAY mate, you owe that to Karen and the kids. You have made great headway over the last few months but I think it is time to take the next step foward and not 100 steps back.
cheers
blaze

I just want everyones problems to go away & guess what i'm everyones problems in a nut shell..The only reason i haven't done anything about it is i dont want Karen or the kids to be the ones to find me & i keep breathing everyday cause of what i have they all keep me alive , But hey i can now go out on my own so theres nothing to worry about for them........

Karen is sitting out the front on the veranda in what sun there is out there & i was sitting with her ,Just not saying a thing so i came in here & its the same ......

Karen is who i talk to about everything & anything she is my best mate & i love her company & its now all gone ..NO i'm not just thinking of my self I am doing everything i can for Karen...

I seriously doubt i could see a shrink cause i would have to goto them & stay there just to talk or the consoltation.....

Its bad enough when i just goto the docs...

I wish i could go out on my own more & i wish i could do a hell of a lot more than i do do..
Belive me i do its so frustrating not being able to do things like most people do everyday . . . .

While Karen has been doing everything all the running around & stuff i always do the house work & washing & yard & i get tea ready & cook it so that when Karen does come home she doesn't have to do any of that & maybe we could spend time together but it never seems to workout that way ........Its like she doesn't want to spend time with me & i know now she doesn't at all...& i'm sure as soon as she is better i will be at mothers .......

I have no idea as to what to do outside of that Karen talks to me & listens to me we have always done things together & then i stopped as i let my problem get the better of me i know this but i cant help having the problem & it can't be cured unfortunatly other wise i would be normal not such a ****up retard .. I would give my life to get rid of my problem & be normal....

My ****ed up world sucks bigtime for everyone around me & the only people Karen & the kids have to suffer from it...ITS SO WRONG . . . . .

ITS funny i went to the tattoo shop with Karen the other week & i felt like such a retard it wasn't funny & i love to hang around these shops i used to design tattoo's for some shops now i cant even feel comfortable around them ..NOW i used to hang out with some of the ruffest tattooist in newcastle years ago & was close to them ONE comited cuicide just resently ONE is retired & writes children books & i haven't seen him in so long i doubt he would even know me now THE other i have no idea as to what or where he even is.. I brought my very first tattoo gun off the one that just comited cuicide & i didn't even know he had till Karen told me......
I do miss my thugish days a bit I was conferdant then & did some good things..
I don't draw anymore & i haven't held a tattoo gun in so long i wouldn't know what to do with it & its a shame cause now the kids would like to get some work done & fred is just the right age to teach as she can draw aswell & i wanted to teach her how to tattoo & use an airbrush cause she is real good at drawing ...

I do miss it to some degree i spose ..& i only dumped all my tattoo gear cause of my oldman winging & bitching about it all the time that i just dumped it all...GO FIGURE....

OOPS back soon i gotta run back down to aldi ...

Quote:

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Originally Posted by banjo

I just want to die now for doing this to Karen .....

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Jason unfortunately there is just not ONE 'thing' that has caused where things are at in your house. That also means there is not just ONE 'thing' that you can do to cahnge it. It took years to get to this stage and so it ain't gunna be fixed overnight either.

Raed what Aus said above - he's right on the mark with that.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by banjo

I have no idea as to what to do outside of that Karen talks to me & listens to me we have always done things together & then i stopped as i let my problem get the better of me i know this but i cant help having the problem & it can't be cured unfortunatly other wise i would be normal not such a ****up retard .. I would give my life to get rid of my problem & be normal....

My ****ed up world sucks bigtime for everyone around me & the only people Karen & the kids have to suffer from it...ITS SO WRONG . . . . .

ITS funny i went to the tattoo shop with Karen the other week & i felt like such a retard it wasn't funny & i love to hang around these shops i used to design tattoo's for some shops now i cant even feel comfortable around them ..NOW i used to hang out with some of the ruffest tattooist in newcastle years ago & was close to them ONE comited cuicide just resently ONE is retired & writes children books & i haven't seen him in so long i doubt he would even know me now THE other i have no idea as to what or where he even is.. I brought my very first tattoo gun off the one that just comited cuicide & i didn't even know he had till Karen told me......
I do miss my thugish days a bit I was conferdant then & did some good things..
I don't draw anymore & i haven't held a tattoo gun in so long i wouldn't know what to do with it & its a shame cause now the kids would like to get some work done & fred is just the right age to teach as she can draw aswell & i wanted to teach her how to tattoo & use an airbrush cause she is real good at drawing ...

I do miss it to some degree i spose ..& i only dumped all my tattoo gear cause of my oldman winging & bitching about it all the time that i just dumped it all...GO FIGURE....

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I spent $000's learning to fly. Flew single engine planes for a bit over 7 years and haven't done it since.

Then spent a number of years looking after radio broadcasting and satellite gear and then got into looking after computers in a number of ways.

And now I sell stuff. I enjoyed what I did but that was in the past - its not what I am doing today or in the future, which is the important stuff.

Where is all the talk about camping and Fender doors for the Series??? Onward and upward mate.

Lifeline Australia 13 11 14 - Suicide Prevention, Crisis Support & Mental Health services

Anyone can call Lifeline. The 13 11 14 service offers a counselling service that respects everyone’s right to be heard, understood and cared for. We also provide information about other support services that are available in communities around Australia.


Might be a good start mate.