Embarrassment

Its a huge thing for me to be away from Karen & the kids... karen wants time on her own & with me at home i'm in her face .. I asked Karen if this was the right thing me being up here cause thats what she wanted to have peace & alone time ..& Karen said ( YES HOPEFULLY ).. So if i'm lucky i may get a call or mesage to come home some time this week as the kids are on school holidays from friday & i would like to be able to have that with them.....So everyone cross your fingers . . .I am going to try not to mesage her to much from now on i hope . . . . .


Still worried & scared and been a bit panicky , What if Karen says i cant come back....

Hi Jason
been putting the huge bloody beams up on the shed today and just started the purlons. Hope to be screwing cladding on next friday or saturday. Must take some more pics.
Hope your day was ok, havnt had a read yet.
cheers
blaze

worring about it wont help try to take your mind off that by doing something else

Fingers and toes are crossed for you jase

Cleaned the kitchenett today so i can use that theres no stove but i have a portable grill that i can use to cook some stuff on I haven't realy eatin since thursday had a little today & i also went for a drive & found the paper shop & bilo but bilo was shut & its inside a big complex so i dont know how i will go getting in to it & getting some stuff...

Thinking of you a lot Jas, stay well.:(

Very quiet in here today ..whats everyone been upto over the weekend . . Not to sure if Karen is going to want me back home ..Should be interesting here .I asked my parents to get some stuff from bilo & some meat Cause of my ocd i don't trust the meat they have here as they get meat from a cow a year so not sure how old it is . .so some fresh sosages would of been nice but that was to much to ask for , So not to sure if i will cook what they gave me ,They also gave me some Tbone but it looks older than me . . . .. . .Having trouble not being around the kids as i have been around them everyday as i cant work so its real hard .. I also miss Karen so much & i am trying to do all that she has asked ..She told me today that she is enjoying being on her own .......Getting upset now .I know what its going to be like here ......So hard not seeing or hearing the kids i love to hear what they have been upto since i can't do as much with them i love to hear it same as when Karen tells what she's been upto....Everytime i have spoke to the kids i break down so do they FRED starts her trials for her HSC tomorrow so i wont get to hear about how they go, I think they go all week to.....

I feel such a retard & huge looser for what has happend to Karen & i probably deserve what ever happens , But everytime i think about it i feel so sick & then end up in a panic attack big time...I hate being here so much.. because i have a problem & my parents dont understand it or give a **** i sit in this one room with a ****ta & shower at one end .. . .I brought all my tattoo gear but not game to get it out & do any as karen has always been involved in most of the stuff i do she gives me all my conferdance to do things so i don't want to stuff up.....I am such a ****up retard & am going to end up in a mental hospital for the rest of my life if Karen & i don't work out .I cant stay here like this atleast in a mental home they can medicate me so i am out of it most of the time...



**** i miss my family so much the kids meen so much to me cause i have been one of the lucky men to have seen there every first while growing up..
Havent been cuicidal here yet & am hoping to be able to push that out the way like i usualy can...Its much easier at home to do with them around me ...

I ****ing hate my life now & hate what i have done so bad.....

You know Karen meens so much to me she has done an amazingly lot for me But most of all she loved me & got me throught the worst & never realy asked for much but i seem to of ****ed that up on her & i didn't even see it happening nor did i meen to do any of it to her of all people she is the BEST thing to have happend to me plus gave me 2 great kids.....

pop over to the pub for a chat Jas,I'm sure all you mates over here are missing you and it's your round :D

You're gonna go thru the stages of grief. They're not just when someone dies, but any situation where we feel loss.

[quote

1. Denial – "I feel fine."; "This can't be happening, not to me."
   Denial is usually only a temporary defense for the individual. This feeling is generally replaced with heightened awareness of situations and individuals that will be left behind after death.
2. Anger – "Why me? It's not fair!"; "How can this happen to me?"; "Who is to blame?"
   Once in the second stage, the individual recognizes that denial cannot continue. Because of anger, the person is very difficult to care for due to misplaced feelings of rage and envy. Any individual that symbolizes life or energy is subject to projected resentment and jealousy.
3. Bargaining – "Just let me live to see my children graduate."; "I'll do anything for a few more years."; "I will give my life savings if..."
   The third stage involves the hope that the individual can somehow postpone or delay death. Usually, the negotiation for an extended life is made with a higher power in exchange for a reformed lifestyle. Psychologically, the individual is saying, "I understand I will die, but if I could just have more time..."
4. Depression – "I'm so sad, why bother with anything?"; "I'm going to die... What's the point?"; "I miss my loved one, why go on?"
   During the fourth stage, the dying person begins to understand the certainty of death. Because of this, the individual may become silent, refuse visitors and spend much of the time crying and grieving. This process allows the dying person to disconnect oneself from things of love and affection. It is not recommended to attempt to cheer up an individual who is in this stage. It is an important time for grieving that must be processed.
5. Acceptance – "It's going to be okay."; "I can't fight it, I may as well prepare for it."
   In this last stage, the individual begins to come to terms with their mortality or that of their loved one.

][/quote]

It's OK to grieve. It's healthy.