Joke thread 2

[Tyrepower]

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:
2 litres of low fat milk, a carton of eggs, 2 litres of orange juice, a head of cos lettuce, half a dozen tomatoes, a 500g jar of coffee, and a 250g pack of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier.
While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated,
"You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single.
She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're
absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."

An oldie but a goodie. Tyrepower :-)

[Knight]

This is the actual radio conversation of a US naval ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in October 1995. Radio conversation released by the chief of naval operations, 10-10-95.


CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the north to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: No, I say again, you divert YOUR course.

AMERICANS: This is the Aircraft Carrier US LINCOLN, the second largest ship in the United States Atlantic Fleet. We are accompanied with three Destroyers, three Cruisers and numerous support vessels. I DEMAND that you change your course 15 degrees north. I say again, that's one-five degrees north, or counter-measures will be undertaken to ensure the safety of this ship.

CANADIANS: This is a lighthouse. Your call.

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

BB that's a great joke.
Award yourself a gold star.....
Oh, hang on.... [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]

[one_iota]

Originally posted by VladTepes
BB that's a great joke.
Award yourself a gold star.....
Oh, hang on.... [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]

Yeah talk about being kept in suspenders.

[Pedro_The_Swift]

mental image of BB in suspenders trying force its way into my conscience

must resist,,,

must resist,,

must ,,


resist,,


eeerrgghhhh,,,,, 8O

[Pedro_The_Swift]

WOMEN'S ENGLISH
1. Yes = No
2. No = Yes
3. Maybe = No
4. We need... = I want.
5. I am sorry = you'll be sorry
6. We need to talk = I need to complain
7. Sure, go ahead = I don't want you to
8. Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
9. I am not upset = Of course I am upset, you moron!
10. Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you're dead
11. You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
12. Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
13. You're so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
14. Do you love me? = I am going to ask for something expensive
15. It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now
16. You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
17. I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV
18. How much do you love me? = I did something today that you're really not going to like


MEN'S ENGLISH
1. I am hungry = I am hungry
2. I am sleepy = I am sleepy
3. I am tired = I am tired
4. Nice dress = Nice cleavage!
5. I love you = Let's have sex now
6. I am bored = Do you want to have sex?
7. What's wrong? = I guess sex is out of the question
8. May I have this dance? = I'd like to have sex with you
9. Can I call you sometime? = I'd like to have sex with you
10. Do you want to go to a movie? = I'd like to have sex with you
11. Can I take you out to dinner? = I'd like to have sex with you
12. Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for other men to have sex with you
13. You look tense let me give you a massage = I want to have sex
14. Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and then I'd like to have sex with you
15. I don't think those shoes go with that outfit = I'm gay

[incisor]

Three Wishes.

One fine day in Ireland, a guy is out golfing and gets up to the 16th
hole. He tees up and cranks it into the woods on the side of the
fairway. He goes looking for his ball and comes across this little guy
with this huge knot on his head and the golf ball lying right beside
him.
"Goodness," says the golfer then proceeds to revive the poor little guy.
Upon awakening, the little guy says, "Well, you caught me fair and
square. I am a leprechaun. I will grant you three wishes."
The man says "I can't take anything from you, I'm just glad I didn't
hurt you too badly," and walks away.
Watching the golfer depart, the leprechaun says "Well, he was a nice
enough guy, and he did catch me, so I have to do something for him. I'll
give him the three things that I would want. I'll give him unlimited
money, a great golf game, and a great sex life."

Well, a year goes past (as they often do in jokes like this) and the
same golfer is out golfing on the same course at the 16th hole. He gets
up and hits one into the same woods and goes off looking for
his ball. When he finds the ball he sees the same little guy and asks
how he is doing.
The leprechaun says, "I'm fine, and might I ask how's your golf game?"
The golfer says, "It's great! I hit under par every time."
"I did that for you," responds the leprechaun, "And might I ask how your
money is holding out?"
"Well, now that you mention it, every time I put my hand in my pocket, I
pull out a hundred pound note" he replied.
the leprechaun smiles and says, "I did that for you. And might I ask how
is your sex life?"
Now the golfer looks at him a little shyly and says, "Well, maybe once
or twice a week."

Floored the leprechaun stammers, "Once or twice a week?"

The golfer looks at him sheepishly and says, "Well, that's not too bad
for a Catholic priest in a small parish.

[bigbugga]

GENIE GRANTS WISHES TO GOLFER'S WIFE
A husband takes his wife to play her first game of golf. Of course, the wife promptly hacked her first shot right through the window of the biggest house adjacent to the course. The husband cringed, "I warned you to be careful! Now we'll have to go up there, find the owner, apologize and see how much your lousy drive is going to cost us." So the couple walked up to the house and knocked on the door. A warm voice said, "Come on in." When they opened the door they saw the damage that was done: glass was all over the place, and a broken antique bottle was lying on its side near the broken window. A man reclining on the couch asked, "Are you the people that broke my window?" "Uh yeah, sir. We're sure sorry about that," the husband replied. "Oh, no apology is necessary. Actually I want to thank you. You see, I'm a genie, and I've been trapped in that bottle for a thousand years. Now that you've released me, I'm allowed to grant three wishes. I'll give you each one wish, but if you don't mind, I'll keep the last one for myself." "Wow, that's great!" the husband said. He pondered a moment and blurted out, "I'd like a million dollars a year for the rest of my life." "No problem," said the genie. "You've got it, it's the least I can do. And I'll guarantee you a long, healthy life. And now you, young lady, what do you want?" the genie asked. "I'd like to own a gorgeous home complete with servants in every country in the world," she said. "Consider it done," the genie said. "And your homes will always be safe from fire, burglary and natural disasters!" "And now," the couple asked in unison, "what's your wish, genie?" "Well, since I've been trapped in that bottle and haven't been with a woman in more than a thousand years, my wish is to have sex with your wife." The husband looked at his wife and said, "Gee, honey, you know we both now have a fortune, and all those houses. What do you think? " She mulled it over for a few moments and said, "You know, you're right. Considering our good fortune, I guess I wouldn't mind, but what about you, honey?" "You know I love you sweetheart," said the husband. "I'd do the same for you!" So the genie and the woman went upstairs where they spent the rest of the afternoon enjoying each other. The genie was insatiable. After about three hours of non-stop sex, the genie rolled over and looked directly into her eyes and asked, "How old are you and your husband?" "Why, we're both 35," she responded breathlessly. "NO ****. Thirty-five years old and both of you still believe in genies?"

[VladTepes]

Tragedy

George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and he ends up in one of the classrooms where the class is in the middle of a discussion relating to words and their meanings.

The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion of the word "tragedy".

One little boy stands up and offers: "If my best friend who lives on a farm is playing in a field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy."

"No," says President Bush, "that would be an accident."

A little girl raises her hand: "If a shool bus carrying fifty children drove over a cliff killing everybody inside, that would be a tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," explains the exalted leader, "that's what we would call a great loss."

The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush's eyes search the room and he asks, "Isn't there somebody here who can give mean example of tragedy?"

Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: "If "Air Force One" carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would be a tragedy."

"Fantastic!" exclaims George W., "that's right, and can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?"

"Well," says Johnny, "because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss and probably wouldn't be an accident either."

[Knight]

VladTepes!!

RLOL!! - Way too funny! [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Top joke!

Knight :wink: