Joke thread 2

[VladTepes]

A poor farmer has three sheep and one old Ram. As the three sheep are not conceiving the farmer calls in the vet.

Well, you have three options says the vet,a new ram or artificial insemination. "Sounds too costly" said the farmer, "but you said three options?"

"Yes," said the vet, "do it yourself."

The farmer was aghast

"How will I know if it works?"

"Well," said the vet "if they roll around in the mud the morning after you have made love to them then they are not pregnant, however if they roll around in the hay, they are pregnant."

So, the next day the farmer takes the three sheep in his land rover and does the business.

Next morning he calls to his wife "What are the sheep doing love?"

"They are rolling in the mud Jack."

So with a heavy heart he takes the three sheep in his land rover and once again does the business.

Next moring "What are the sheep doing love"

Suspiciuosly she says "They are rolling in the mud jack."

By now exhausted he puts the sheep in to the land rover and does the business.
Next morning "What are the sheep doing love?"

"Well this is very strange," she answers. "Two of them are in the back of the Land Rover and the other one is pipping the horn!!"

[bigbugga]

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane.

After a while, the priest turned to the rabbi and asked, "Is it still a requirement of your faith that you not eat pork?"

The rabbi responded, "Yes, that is still one of our beliefs."

The priest then asked, "Have you ever eaten pork?"

To which the rabbi replied, "Yes, on one occasion I did succumb to temptation and ! tasted a ham sandwich."

The priest nodded in understanding and went on with his reading.

A while later, the rabbi spoke up and asked the priest, "Father, is it still a requirement of your church that you remain celibate?"

The priest replied, "Yes, that is still very much a part of our faith."

The rabbi then asked him, "Father, have you ever fallen to the temptations of the flesh?

The priest replied, "Yes, rabbi, on one occasion I was weak and broke with my faith."

The rabbi nodded understandingly and remained silent, thinking, for about five minutes.

Finally, the rabbi said, "Beats a ham sandwich, doesn't it?"

[Knight]

A priest in a small rural town was very fond of the ten chickens and one handsome cock rooster he kept in a hen house behind the rectory. One Saturday night, the priest discovered that the cock rooster was missing. At the same time the priest heard rumours of cock fights being held in town. Shocked and dismayed, he decided to say something during Sunday Mass.

During Mass he asked the congregation, "Who among you will confess to sporting a handsome cock?" All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said. "That's not what I mean. Who among you will confess to having seen a handsome cock?" All the women stood up.

"Oh, no," he said "That's not what I ! mean, either. Who among you will confess to having seen a cock that doesn't belong to you?" Half the women stood up.

"Oh Lord," he said. "Perhaps I should rephrase the question: Has anybody here seen my cock?" All the choirboys stood up.

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[VladTepes]

Thought For The Day :!:


Why is it you can sue McDonalds if you get fat,

Marlboro if you get cancer,

but you can't sue Smirnoff or XXXX

for all the ugly people you slept with?

[incisor]

just walk away dave!

i must be nicer to vlad,

i must be nicer to vl................

[VladTepes]

Originally posted by incisor
i must be nicer to vlad,
i must be nicer to vl................

Another joke, surely :?: [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

[incisor]

Originally posted by VladTepes+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(VladTepes)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-incisor
i must be nicer to vlad,
i must be nicer to vl................

Another joke, surely :?: [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img][/b][/quote]

not really

i was very well behaved...

first gate i havent walked thru in weeks....

[Knight]

The Parrot

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a
bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's
mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity. John tried and
tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite
words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean
up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled
back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder.
John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him
in the freezer. For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and
screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for
over a minute.

Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the
freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and
said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and
actions. I am sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions
and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and
unforgivable behaviour."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about
to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behaviour,
the bird continued, "May I ask what the chicken did?" 8O

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Pedro_The_Swift]

A Blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains." The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains. He shows her several patterns, but the blond seems to be having a hard time choosing.



Finally she selects a lovely pink floral print. The salesman then asks what size curtains she needs. The blond promptly replies, "fifteen inches."



"Fifteen inches???" asked the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?" The blond tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.



The surprised salesman replies, "but Miss, computers do not need curtains!"



The blond says, "Hellllooooooooo ... I've got Windoooooows!"

[Tyrepower]

The following was writen by some Bra Burning Feminist for her SNAG limp d@#k man "companion"..... I know it dosn't apply to any of you testosterone charged 4x4 driving real men. Bring back the SAM I say


New Evening classes for men! All are welcome!

Note: Due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept

a maximum of eight participants each. Sign up early and get a discount on
registration.

1. How to fill ice-cube trays.
Step by step with slide presentation.

2. Toilet Paper: Do they grow on the roller?
Roundtable discussion.

3. Differences between the laundry basket and the floor, Practicing with hamper. Pictures and graphics.

4. The after-dinner dishes and silverware: do they levitate and fly into the kitchen sink or dishwasher by themselves? Debate among panel of experts.

5. Loss of virility: losing the remote control to your significant other. Help line and support groups.

6. Learning how to find things, starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming. Open forum.

7. Health Watch: bringing her flowers is not harmful to your health. PowerPoint presentation.

8. Real men ask for directions when lost.
Real-life testimonial from the one man who did.

9. Is it genetically impossible to sit quietly as she parallel parks? Driving simulation.

10. Living with adults: basic differences between your mother and your wife. Online class and role playing.

11. How to be the ideal shopping companion.
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques.

12. Remembering Birthdays, anniversaries, other important dates and calling when you're going to be late. Bring your calendar or PDA to class.

13. Getting over it. Learning to live with being wrong all the time. Individual counsellors available.