Joke thread 2

[Tyrepower]

Moving to Sydney


A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase. He says, "What are your doing?" She answers, "I'm moving to Sydney. I heard prostitutes there get paid $400 for doing what I do for you for free." Later that night on her way out the wife walks into the bedroom and sees her husband packing his suitcase. When she asks him where he's going, he replies, "I'm going to Sydney too, I want to see you live on $800 a year".

[Pedro_The_Swift]

Q. What is the difference between a drug dealer and a hooker?
A. A hooker can wash her crack and sell it again.

Q. What's a mixed feeling?
A. When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff in your new car.

Q. What's the height of conceit?
A. Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

Q. What's the definition of macho?
A. Jogging home from your vasectomy.

Q. What's the difference between a G-Spot and a golf ball?
A. A guy will actually search for a golf ball.

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe sex?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

Q. Why is divorce so expensive?
A. Because it's worth it.

Q. What is a Yankee?
A. The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.

Q. What do Tupperware and a walrus have in common?
A. They both like a tight seal.

Q. What do a Christmas tree and priest have in common?
A. Their balls are just for decoration.

Q. What is the difference between "ooooooh"and "aaaaaaah"?
A. About three inches.

Q. Why do Gay men wear ribbed condoms?
A. For traction in the mud.

Q: What's the difference between purple and pink?
A. The grip.

Q. How do you find a blind man in a nudist colony?
A. It's not hard.

Q: How do you circumcise a hillbilly?
A: Kick his sister in the jaw.

Q: If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
A. The swallow.

Q: What is the difference between medium and rare?
A: Six inches is medium, eight inches is rare.

Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than improving their
minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.

Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.

[medic455]

Originally posted by Pedro_The_Swift

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe s*x?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

.......OH reeeeaaaaallllly...... :? :? :? :? :?


























......just remember...............



















.....I know where you live......

[bigbugga]

Originally posted by medic455+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(medic455)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-Pedro_The_Swift

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe s*x?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

.....I know where you live...... [/b][/quote]


Hmm I think we hit a sensitive spot.






your not really a sheep are you Medic??

[Bushie]

The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.

"Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" Her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any" The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear.

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers-- why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket
and says, "For the sake of decency here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Hoot,mon,woman! Why are ye not wearing knickers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough housekeepin' money ta be able ta afford
any." The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb, tidy yurrrself up a bit."


Bushie

[one_iota]

Olympic Commentry Gaffs:

1. Weight-lifting commentator: "This is Gregoriava from Bulgaria. I saw her snatch this morning during her warm up and it was amazing."

2. Dressage commentator: "This is really a lovely horse and I speak from personal experience since I once mounted her mother."

3. Paul Hamm, Gymnast: "I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father."

4. Boxing Analyst: "Sure there have been injuries, and even some deaths in boxing, but none of them really that serious."

5. Softball announcer: "If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again."

6. Basketball analyst: "He dribbles a lot and the opposition doesn't like it. In fact you can see it all over their faces."

7. At the rowing medal ceremony: "Ah, isn't that nice, the wife of the IOC president is hugging the cox of the British crew."

8. Soccer commentator: "Julian Dicks is everywhere. It's like they've got eleven Dicks on the field."

9. Tennis commentator: "One of the reasons Andy is playing so well is that, before the final round, his wife takes out his balls and kisses them... Oh my God, what have I just said?"

[medic455]

Originally posted by bigbugga+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(bigbugga)</div><div class='quotemain'>

Originally posted by medic455@
<!--QuoteBegin-Pedro_The_Swift

Q. Do you know how New Zealanders practice safe s*x?
A. They spray paint X's on the back of the sheep that kick.

.....I know where you live......

Hmm I think we hit a sensitive spot.


your not really a sheep are you Medic??[/b][/quote]



The only good sheep is one with chrispy brown skin, served with rich gravy, mint sauce, roast spuds, fresh beans, fresh baby peas and a six pack of cold XXXX stubbies...............****.........Im making myself hungary... 8) [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/biggrin.gif[/img]........just think, in 3 months Xmas will be over again.........

[Knight]

<span style="color:blue"><span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">THE GEOGRAPHY OF BOTH S*XES</span></span>

THE GEOGRAPHY OF A WOMAN

Between 18 and 20 a woman is like Africa:
Half discovered, half wild, naturally beautiful with fertile deltas.

Between 21 and 30 a woman is like America:
Well developed and open to trade, especially for someone with cash.

Between 31 and 35 she is like India:
Very hot, relaxed and convinced of her own beauty.

Between 36 and 40 a woman is like France:
Gently ageing but still a warm and desirable place to visit.

Between 41 and 50 she is like Yugoslavia:
Lost the war, haunted by past mistakes and massive reconstruction is
now necessary.

Between 51 and 60, she is like Russia:
Very wide and borders are unpatrolled. The frigid climate keeps people
away.

Between 61 and 70, a woman is like Mongolia,
with a glorious and all conquering past but alas, no future.

After 70, she becomes like Afghanistan.
Everyone knows where it is, but no one wants to go there.


THE GEOGRAPHY OF A MAN:
Between 15 and 70 a man is like Iraq.........ruled by a d*ck.

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Pedro_The_Swift]

An engineer died and ended up in Hell. He was not pleased with the
level of comfort in Hell, and began to redesign and build
improvements. After a while, they had toilets that flush, air
conditioning, and escalators. Everyone grew very fond of him.

One day God called to Satan to mock him, "So, how's it going down
there in Hell?"

Satan replied, "Hey, things are great. We've got air conditioning
and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this
engineer is going to come up with next."

God was surprised, "What? You've got an engineer? That's a mistake.
He should never have gotten down there in the first place. Send him
back up here."

"No way," replied Satan. "I like having an engineer, and I'm keeping
him."

God threatened, "Send him back up here now or I'll sue!"
Satan laughed and answered, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU
going to get a lawyer?"

[Knight]

<span style="color:blue"><span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">The Confession</span></span>

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Monte Cassino went to
the local church for confession.

When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said,
"Father... during World War II, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and
asked me to hide her from the enemy. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied, "That was a wonderful thing you did, my son! And you
have no need to confess that."

"It's worse than that, Father. She started to repay me with sexual
favours."

The priest said, "By doing that, you were both in great danger. However,
two people under those circumstances can be very tempted to act that way.
But if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you Father. That's a great load off my mind. But I do have one more
question.."

"And what is that?" said the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?"