Joke thread 2

[VladTepes]

Redbak - [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Short and to the point. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/smile.gif[/img]

[Tyrepower]

An old retired wood cutter lives in the South West of W.A. in the timber town of Manjimup.
He is so good at his trade that even blindfolded just by sniffing an off cut of timber he can tell what type it is and where it's come from.

One night he's sitting at the bar having a few, when some out of towners decide to have some fun with him.

With the Woodsniffer blindfolded one of the gents rushes outside pulls a picket off the back fence takes it back into the pub places it under the Woodsniffers nose and waits.

Sniff, sniff, sniff up and down he goes a few times, Pauses for dramatic effect and announces, " Pinus Radiartus 10- 12 years old 3 coats of Dulux Weather Shield."
Right on the money the crowd yell 100% right.

Stunned, the gent rushes out to his Jaguar Car and unscrews the Gear knob takes this inside and again places it under the nose of the blindfolded Wood Sniffer.

Sniff, sniff, sniff up and down he goes a few times, Pauses for dramatic effect and announces, "Imported Oak, English by the smell with a polished Lacquer finish".
The crowd of locals roar with delight.

Getting worried, and trying to win back some pride the Townie aproaches the Barmaid and offers her $500.00 to drop her pants and lay on the bar beneath the Wood Sniffer.

Sniff, sniff, sniff up and down he goes a few times, pauses.... and to the crowds amazement, sniff, sniff,sniff up and down again he goes. Finally he shakes his head and says this has him a little troubled and could they please turn the piece over. The Barmaid gently rolls over and..... Sniff, sniff, sniff up and down again goes the Woodsniffer. Finally pausing for dramatic effect he announces that this has really got him stummped. However having a stab in dark the he says..................................... "I can't tell what type of wood it is, but It's gotta be the dunny door of a prawn Trawler". 8O

[Knight]

Mike and Joan were having some problems at home and were giving each other the "silent treatment." But then Mike realized that he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM for an early morning drive with some pals to a golf match.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence (and so lose the " war"), he wrote on a piece of paper, "Please wake me at 5:00 am."

The next morning, Mike woke up, only to discover it was 9:00 am and that his friends would have left for the golf course without him. Furious, he was about to go and see why his wife hadn't awakened him when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed.

The paper said, "It is 5:00 am. Wake up."

:wink: Knight

[rmp]

http://www.gpsvehiclenavigation.com/RMP/4W...Dtechnology.php

http://www.gpsvehiclenavigation.com/RMP/th...onversation.php

--------------------------------------------

Yesterday scientists in the USA revealed that beer contains small traces of female hormones.

To prove their theory they fed 100 men 12 pints of beer and observed that 100% of them
started talking nonsense and couldn't drive...

--------------------------------------------

Wife: Let's go out and have some fun tonight.
Husband: Okay, but if you get home before I do, leave the hallway
light on.

--------------------------------------------

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.

--------------------------------------------

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.


>Warnings for Consultants
>
>You know it is time to get out of consulting when...
>
>1. You ask the waiter what the restaurant's core competencies are.
>2. You decide to re-org your family into a "team-based organization."
>3. You refer to dating as test marketing.
>4. You can spell "paradigm."
>5. You actually know what a paradigm is.
>6. You understand your airline's fare structure.
>7. You write executive summaries on your love letters.
>8. You think that it's actually efficient to write a ten page paper with
>six other people you don't know.
>9. You believe every company is "a traditional functional organization,
>with promotion based on tenure, but one that needs to change as it is
>facing ever increasing competition..."
>10. You believe that a company's problems are never caused by an
>"ineffective handling of an administrative situation."
>11. You believe you never have any problems in your life, just "issues" and
>"improvement opportunities."
>11. You know every single piece of clip art in PowerPoint.
>12. You calculate your own personal cost of capital.
>13. You explain to your bank manager that you prefer to think of yourself
>as "highly leveraged" as opposed to "in debt."
>14. You ask your bank manager if she has heard of "Modigliani-Miller," and
>then you ask her if she has a pizza so you can show her.
>15. You can explain to somebody the difference between "re-engineering,"
>"down-sizing," "right-sizing," and "firing peoples' arses."
>16. You actually believe your explanation in number 15.
>17. You start doing your kid's math equations in reverse Polish notation.
>18. You enjoy using an HP-12C.
>19. You refer to your previous life as "my sunk cost."
>20. Your three meals a day are a morning consumption function, a noontime
>consumption function, and an evening consumption function.
>21. You refer to your significant other as "my co-CEO."
>22. Your favorite stories begin "Bob Jones, VP of marketing, sat at his
>desk and stared out his window..."
>23. You like both types of sandwiches: ham and turkey.
>24. You believe CAPM is just as important as the Theory of Relativity.
>25. You believe CAPM.
>26. You start to feel sorry for Dilbert's boss.
>27. You believe the best tables and graphs take an hour to comprehend.
>28. You refer to divorce as "divestiture."
>29. Your favorite artist is the one who does the dot drawings for the Wall
>Street Journal.
>30. None of your favorite publications have cartoons
>31. You account for your tuition as a capital expenditure instead of an
>expense.
>32. You insist that you do some more market research before you and your
>spouse produce another child.
>33. At your last family reunion, you wanted to have an emergency meeting
>about their brand equity.
>34. You always call your mechanic before you start your car to see if it
>will blow up given the day's weather conditions...
>35. ...and expect him to use a decision tree to work it out.
>36. You've decided the only way to afford a house is to call your fellow
>alumni and offer to name a room after them, if they'll help with the down
>payment.
>37. Your "deliverable" for Sunday evening is clean laundry and paid bills
>38. You use the term "value-added" without falling down laughing.
>39. You ask the car salesman if the car comes with a whiteboard and
>Internet connection.
>40. You give constructive feedback to your dog

[/url]

[bigbugga]

A penguin is driving through Arizona (as they do) on a hot summer's day
when he notices his oil light is on. He gets out of the car and, sure
enough, it's leaking oil all over the road. The penguin drives around
the corner to a service station and asks the mechanic to take a look at
it.

The mechanic says he has a few others to look at first but if he comes
back in an hour he can tell the penguin what is wrong with his car. The
penguin agrees and goes for a walk.

He finds an ice cream shop and thinks a big bowl of vanilla ice cream
will really hit the spot since he's a penguin and it's Arizona in the
summer, after all. He sits down at the counter and starts in on his ice
cream.

Of course he has no hands so it is rather messy. By the time he is done
he has ice cream all over his flippers and his mouth-a total mess.

He walks back to the service station and says to the mechanic, "Did you
find out what is wrong with my car?"

The mechanic replies, "It looks like you've blown a seal."

"No, no," says the penguin. "It's just ice cream!"

[bigbugga]

Three Drunk Women had a very late night drinking. They left in the early
morning hours and went home their separate ways. The next day, they all met and compared notes about who was drunker the night before.

The first girl claimed that she was the drunkest, saying, "I drove straight
home and walked into the house. As soon as I got through the door I blew
chunks for 10 minutes."

The second said, "You think that was drunk? Hell I got into my car and
wrapped my car around the first tree I saw. I don't even have insurance!"

The third proclaimed, "Damn, I was the drunkest by far. When I got home, I got into a big fight with my husband, knocked a candle over, and burned the whole house down!"

The room was silent for a moment.
Then, the first girl spoke out again, " Listen girls, I don't think you understand
...Chunks is my dog."

[Knight]

A husband and wife are having dinner at a fine restaurant. A lovely, stunning young woman glides over to their table, smiles lovingly at the husband, delivers him a seductive open-mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and
walks away.

The wife glares at her husband, "Who the hell was that?"

"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress."

"Well, that's the last straw," says the wife through clenched teeth. "I've had enough! I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband between sips of wine, "but if we divorce, that's the end of your shopping sprees to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summer get-aways in Tuscany, no more Jags in the garage and you can say goodbye to our yacht club friends . . . but the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend entered the restaurant with a gorgeous blond
on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim?" asks the wife.

"Oh ... that's Sasha, his mistress."

"Ours is prettier," she replies.

Knight :wink:

[Knight]

> A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important
> guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be
> perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn't have any
> snails to serve escargot for her guests, so she asked her husband to run
> down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails. Very grudgingly
> he agreed.
>
> He took the bucket, walked out the door down the steps, and out to the
> beach. As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman
> strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He
> kept thinking to himself, "Wouldn't it be great if she would even just
> come down and talk to me?" He went back to gathering the snails. All of
> a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right over
> him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They
> ended up spending the night together. At seven o'clock the next morning
> he woke up and exclaimed, "Oh no!!! My wife's dinner party!!!"
>
> He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket
> of snails and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his
> apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry
> that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of
> snails. There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just
> then, with a very angry wife standing in the door way wondering where
> he's been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps,
> then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said, "Come on guys,
> we're almost there!"


Cheers
Knight :wink:

[Knight]

one of my 'all time' favorites!!

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken
> is leaning against
>
> the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied
> smile on its face.
>
> The egg, looking a bit ****ed off, grabs the sheet,
> rolls over, and says
>
> "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question"


Love it!!
Knight :wink:

[bigbugga]

I DONT GET IT!






No really I mean I dont get it, I understand it but. :?