Thread: JOKES (Part 3)

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he
notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little
ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the
middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet. The wagon is being pulled
by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer
look.

"That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with
admiration.

"Thanks" the girl says. The firefighter looks a little closer and
notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog's collar and to the cat's
testicles.

"Little Partner", the fire fighter says, "I don't want to tell you how
to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's
collar too I think you could go faster."

The little girl replies thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I
wouldn't have a siren."

True story…………
A Cork radio station was running a competition – words that weren’t in the dictionary yet could still be used in a sentence that would make sense. The prize was a trip to Bali.

DJ: FM here what’s your name?

Caller: “Hi my name’s Dave”

DJ: “Dave what’s your word?”

Caller: “Goan…. Spelt G-O-A-N, pronounced go-an”

DJ: “You are correct, Dave goan is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali what sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Goan f**k yourself!”

The DJ cut the caller short and took other calls, all unsuccessful until:

DJ: “FM , here what’s your name?”

Caller: “Hi my name is Jeff.”

DJ: “Jeff what’s your word?”

Caller: “Smee……spelt S-M-E-E, pronounced smee.”

DJ: “ ……Your correct, Jeff, smee is not in the dictionary. Now for a trip to Bali: What sentence can you use that word in that would make sense?”

Caller: “Smee again! Goan f**k yourself!”

They'r good tyrepower, the guys at work were going on about the dictionary one too.
[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Blonde girl in a car crash "i think i have concussion", paramedic asks "how many fingers have i got up" she replies "oh **** im paralysed too"

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and the cab driver won't stop staring at her.
She asks him why he is staring.
He replies: "I have a question to ask you, but I don't want to offend you".
She answers, " My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive."
"Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me."
She responds, "Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic."
The cab driver is very excited and says, "Yes, I'm single and Catholic!"
"OK" the nun says. "Pull into the next alley."
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush.
But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.
"My dear child," said the nun, why are you crying?"
"Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied. I must confess, I'm married and I'm Jewish."
The nun says, "That's OK, my name's Kevin and I'm going to a fancy dress party."

two blondes are walking down the street then they walk into a huge building.





you'd think one of them would have seen it???

Before the start of the funeral service, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"

"98," she replied. "Two years older than me."

"So you're 96" the undertaker commented.

"Yes,, she answered, "Hardly worth going home is it?"

SCIENTIFICALLY SANTA
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.

Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them... Santa would need 360,000 of them.

This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.