Thread: JOKES (Part 3)

A guy comes home and walks into the bedroom with a duck under his arm.
His wife looks at him from the bed and he says "This is the pig i have been rooting".
The wife says "That's not a pig!"
The husband replies " I was talking to the duck!"

An old one but a good one. Different angle on this though.
A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a
brand-new Ferrari advanced out of a dust cloud towards him. The driver, a
young man in a Prada suit, Gucci shoes, Dior sunglasses and D+G tie, leans
out the window and asks the shepherd: "If I tell you exactly how many sheep
you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looks at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looks at his
peacefully grazing flock and calmly answers:

"Sure. Why not?" The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell notebook
computer, connects it to his AT&T cell phone, surfs to a NASA page on the
internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite navigation system to get an
exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that
scans the area in ultra-high-resolution mode.

The young man then opens the digital photo in jpeg format to AdobePhotoshop
and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany. Within
seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot that the image has been
processed and the data stored. He then accesses a MS-SQL database through an
ODBC connected Excel spreadsheet with hundreds of complex formulae.



He uploads all of this data via an email on his Blackberry and, after a few
minutes, receives a response. Finally, he prints out a
full-colour,150-page report on his miniaturised HP LaserJet, turns to
the shepherd and says: "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".

"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my sheep," says the
shepherd.

He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on amused as
the young man stuffs it into the boot of his car. Then the shepherd says to
the young man: "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will
you give me back my sheep?"

The young man thinks about it for a second and then says: "Okay, why not?".

"You're a consultant," says the shepherd.

"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie. "But how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answers the shepherd. "You showed up here even
though nobody called you, you want to get paid for an answer I already knew
to a question I never asked, and you know f**k all about my business. "Now
give me back my dog."

Three Italian nuns die and go to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, they are met
by St. Peter. He says "Sisters, you all led such wonderful lives that I'm
granting you six months to go back to earth and be anyone you want to
be."

The first nun says, "I want to be Sophia Loren;" and *poof* she's gone.

The second says, "I want to be Madonna;" and *poof* she's gone.

The third says, "I want to be Sara Pipalini."

St. Peter looks perplexed. "Who?" he says.

"Sara Pipalini;" replies the nun.

St. Peter shakes his head and says; "I'm sorry, but that name just doesn't

ring a bell."

The nun then takes a newspaper out of her habit and hands it to St.
Peter. He reads the paper and starts laughing. He hands it back to her and
says "No sister, the paper says it was the 'Sahara Pipeline' that was laid
by 1,400 men in 6 months."

Yodeling
Have you ever wondered where and how yodeling began?

Many years ago a man was traveling ! through the mountains of Switzerland.

Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up
to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. !

The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter asked her father, "Who is that man
going into the barn?"

"That fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "needs a place to stay for
the night, so, I told him he could sleep in the barn."

The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry.." So she prepared him a plate of
food for him and then took it out to the barn.

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and
straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the
ma! n was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the
barn,! and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her
blouse buttoned incorrectly. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his
journey, waving to the farmer as he left.

When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke
into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We
made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for
the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain.

The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my
daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his
mouth, and yelled out.....

<span style="font-size:12pt;line-height:100%">"LAIDTHEOLADEETOO"</span> 8O
[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink:

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] ROFLMAO [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] Good one :!:

At last, a yardstick by which you can measure an "Australian".

For those of you who haven't met an Australian and are not sure what one
is REALLY like! You're not Australian 'til...


1) You've mimicked Alf Stewart from the TV show Home and Away's broad,
Australian accent, eg. "push off, ya flamin' drongo!"

2) You've had an argument with your mate over whether Ford or Holden
makes the better car!

3) You've done the "hot sand" dance at the beach while running from the
ocean back to your towel.

4) You know who Ray Martin is.

5) You start using words like "reckon" and "root" and call people
"mate".

6) You stop greeting people with "hello" and go straight to the "how ya
doin'?"

7) You've seriously considered running down the shop in a pair of Ugg
boots.

8) You own a pair of ugg boots.

9) You've been to a day-nighter cricket match and screamed out
incomprehensibly until your throat went raw.

10) You kind of know the first verse to the national anthem, but don't
know what "girt" means.


11) You have a story that somehow revolves around excess consumption
of alcohol and a mate named "Dave".


12) You've risked attending an outdoor music festival on the hottest
day of the year.

13) You've tried to hang off a clothesline while pretending you
can fly.

14) You've had a visit to the emergency room after hanging off
the clothesline pretending you can fly.

15) You own a pair of thongs for everyday use, and another pair
of "dress thongs" for special occasions.

16) You don't know what's in a meat pie, and you don't care.

17) You pronounce Australia as "Stralya".

18) You call soccer soccer, not football!

19) You've squeezed Vegemite through vita wheat to make little

Vegemite worms.

20) You suck your coffee through a Tim Tam.

21) You realise that lifeguards are the only people who can get
away with wearing Speedos.

22) You pledge allegiance to Vegemite over Promite.

23) You understand the value of public holidays.

24) Your weekends are spent barracking for your favourite sports team.

25) You have a toilet dolly your Mum or Nan made.

26) You've played beach cricket with a tennis ball and a bat fashioned
out of a fence post.

27) You firmly believe that in the end, everything will be ok, and
have told a mate in tough times that "She'll be right, mate".

28) You use the phrase, "no worries" at least once a day.

29) You've been on a beach holiday and have probably stayed in a
caravan.

30) You constantly shorten words to "brekkie", "arvo" and "barbie"


31) You've adopted a local bar as your own.

32) You know the oath of mateship can never be limited by geographical
distance.

33) You measure a journey in beer, not kilometres or time. (That's a
3 beer trip mate).

[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] A beauty Tdi :!:


Here's one from the Sunday Mail:


Two mexicans were lost in the desert, weak and hungry. As they crested a dune, Pedro (yep, Pedro) said to Miguel "Hey look. a tree over there!"

Miguel looked into the distance. "Si, she is covered in bacon !"

Pedro, astonished, said "A bacon tree ? Madre de Dios we're saved!"
With that, Pedro ran over toward the tree.

Suddenly was heard the sound of machine gun fire, and Pedro collapsed to the ground, mortally wounded.

With his dying breath he yelled:

"Miguel - Run, amigo, run. She's not a bacon tree, she's a ham-bush"

Originally posted by incisor
SCIENTIFICALLY SANTA
There are approximately two billion children (persons under 18) in the world. However, since Santa does not visit children of Muslim, Hindu, Jewish or Buddhist (except maybe in Japan) religions, this reduces the workload for Christmas night to 15% of the total, or 378 million (according to the Population Reference Bureau). At an average (census) rate of 3.5 children per household, that comes to 108 million homes, presuming that there is at least one good child in each.
Santa has about 31 hours of Christmas to work with, thanks to the different time zones and the rotation of the earth, assuming he travels east to west (which seems logical). This works out to 967.7 visits per second.

This is to say that for each Christian household with a good child, Santa has around 1/1000th of a second to park the sleigh, hop out, jump down the chimney, fill the stockings, distribute the remaining presents under the tree, eat whatever snacks have been left for him, get back up the chimney, jump into the sleigh and get on to the next house.

Assuming that each of these 108 million stops is evenly distributed around the earth (which, of course, we know to be false, but will accept for the purposes of our calculations), we are now talking about 0.78 miles per household; a total trip of 75.5 million miles, not counting bathroom stops or breaks.

This means Santa's sleigh is moving at 650 miles per second--3,000 times the speed of sound. For purposes of comparison, the fastest man-made vehicle, the Ulysses space probe, moves at a poky 27.4 miles per second, and a conventional reindeer can run (at best) 15 miles per hour. The payload of the sleigh adds another interesting element.

Assuming that each child gets nothing more than a medium sized Lego set (two pounds), the sleigh is carrying over 500 thousand tons, not counting Santa himself. On land, a conventional reindeer can pull no more than 300 pounds. Even granting that the "flying" reindeer could pull ten times the normal amount, the job can't be done with eight or even nine of them... Santa would need 360,000 of them.

This increases the payload, not counting the weight of the sleigh, another 54,000 tons, or roughly seven times the weight of the Queen Elizabeth (the ship, not the monarch). 600,000 tons traveling at 650 miles per second creates enormous air resistance. This would heat up the reindeer in the same fashion as a spacecraft re-entering the earth's atmosphere. The lead pair of reindeer would absorb 14.3 quintillion joules of energy per second each. In short they would burst into flames almost instantaneously, exposing the reindeer behind them and creating deafening sonic booms in their wake.

The entire reindeer team would be vaporized within 4.26 thousandths of a second, or right about the time Santa reached the fifth house on his trip. Not that it matters, however, since Santa, as a result of accelerating from a dead stop to 650 m.p.s. in .001 seconds, would be subjected to acceleration forces of 17,500 g's. A 250 pound Santa (which seems ludicrously slim) would be pinned to the back of the sleigh by 4,315,015 pounds of force, instantly crushing his bones and organs and reducing him to a quivering blob of pink goo. Therefore, if Santa did exist, he's dead now.

..You reading this, Pedro 8O 8O 8O