Thread: Laughs/Funnies for 2005

Originally posted by Pedro_The_Swift
A woman brought a very limp duck into a veterinary surgery. As she lay
her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and listened to
the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his head sadly
and said, "I'm so sorry, your Duck Cuddles has passed away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned a
few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever. As the duck's owner
looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind legs, put his front
paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck from top to bottom.
He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook his head.

The vet patted the dog and took it out, and returned a few moments later
with a cat. The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately
at the bird. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head, meowed
softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this is
most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck." Then the vet turned to
his computer terminal, hit a few keys and produced a bill which he
handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. "$150!", she cried,
"$150 just to tell me my duck is dead?!!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been $20, but with the Lab Report and the Cat Scan, it's now
$150.00."

An oldie but a goldie pedro. [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] Matt

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle. The son asks his father why there are so many different boxes of condoms. The father replies, "Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night." The son then asks his father, "What's the 6-pack for?" The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning." Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for....."

There was a man with a restaurant near a construction site. The construction workers usually had their lunches in there, their favourite meal being beef soup. But one day the chef ran out of meat and in his panicked state he ran out the door in the hope of finding a ride to town. After noticing that there was no vehicles nearby he sadly started walking back to his restaurant. Upon nearing the construction site he saw a sheep tied up on a pole nearby. He was so happy that he untied the sheep and proceeded to his place. At lunchtime the construction workers walked in and ordered their favourite soup. During the meal, the guys started exclaiming in delite that the soup tasted extremely good today and asked what was the reason for that. The chef was pleased and proceeded to tell them about his predicament. Everyone stopped eating with a dazed look on their faces. The chef asked, "What's the matter boys, did I screw up the cooking?" "No." replied the foreman of the construction team, "you cooked up the screwing."

Originally posted by bigbugga
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for....."

We wish.

Ron

Originally posted by p38arover+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(p38arover)</div><div class='quotemain'><!--QuoteBegin-bigbugga
Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for....."

We wish.

Ron[/b][/quote]

So your saying you need one a year then?



:?

No Knickers

Two women are walking home after a girlie night out. They are very drunk and as the walk home is taking some time due to their state they find themselves desperate for a wee.

At this moment they are passing a church and decide to relieve themselves behind the headstones in the graveyard. As they finish they both realize they have nothing to wipe themselves with so the first woman decides to use her knickers and throw them away.
The second woman is wearing very expensive underwear and is reluctant to lose them, but then she notices a new grave nearby with lots of new fresh flowers, amongst which is a very lavish bouquet with thick soft ribbon. 'Just the job' she decides and without another thought duly pulls the bouquet over and uses the ribbon to dry herself.

Their task completed the women continue staggering home. Next morning, the husband of the first woman phones the husband of the second - "
We need to keep an eye on our wives, Mine came home with no knickers on last
night!"

"You think you've got problems" exclaims the second husband "My wife came home last night with a card stuck to her butt that said, "We'll never forget you - From all the lads at the Fire Station"

LEAVING THE OFFICE EARLY

>>> >>

>>> >> Three girls all worked in the same office with the same female

>>>boss.

>>> >> Each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

>>> >> One day the girls decided that, when the boss left,

>>> >> they would leave right behind her.

>>> >> After all, she never called or came back to work, so how would

>>>she >> know

>>> > they went home early?

>>> >> The brunette was thrilled to be home early.

>>> >> She did a little gardening,spent playtime with her son, and

>>>went to >> bed

>>> > early.

>>> >> The redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at

>>>the gym

>>> > before meeting a dinner date.

>>> >> The blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her

>>>husband, but

>>> >> when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from

>>>inside.

>>> >> Slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was

>>>mortified to see

>>> >> her

>>> > husband in bed with her lady boss! Gently, she closed the door

>>>and > crept

>>> > out

>>> > of her house.

>>> >> The next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead

>>>planned

>>>to

>>> > leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going

>>>to go > with

>>> > them. "No way," the blonde exclaimed. "I almost got caught

>>>yesterday!"

Originally posted by bigbugga+--><div class='quotetop'>QUOTE(bigbugga)</div><div class='quotemain'>

Originally posted by p38arover@
<!--QuoteBegin-bigbugga

Then the son asks his father what the 12-pack is for.
The father replies, "Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for....."

We wish.

Ron

So your saying you need one a year then?



:?[/b][/quote]

That may be too many.

Ron