Thread: Laughs/Funnies for 2005

THE HORMONE WARNING: !!!!!




The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a

man has to do is open his mouth and he takes his life in his own
hands!
This

is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's licence in the

wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!


DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?

SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?

SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner


ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate




DANGEROUS: Are you wearing that?

SAFER: Wow, you look good in brown.

SAFEST: WOW! Look at you!

ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate




DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?

SAFER: Could we be overreacting?

SAFEST: Here's my paycheck.

ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate




DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?

SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.

SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?

ULTRA SAFE: Have some chocolate




DANGEROUS: What did you do all day?

SAFER: I hope you didn't over-do it today.

SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe!

ULTRA SAFE: Have some more chocolate.



13 Things PMS Stands For




1. Pass My Shotgun


2. Psychotic Mood Shift

3. Perpetual Munching Spree

4. Puffy Mid-Section


5. People Make me Sick

6. Provide Me with Sweets

7. Pardon My Sobbing

8. Pimples May Surface

9. Pass My Sweatpants

10. ****y Mood Syndrome

11. Plainly; Men Suck

12. Pack My Stuff



And my favorite one...




13. Potential Murder Suspect




Pass this on to all of your hormonal friends and those who might need
a good Laugh! Or men who need a warning.




And remember: Money talks.... But Chocolate sings

>
> Penis requests a Raise
>
> >I, the penis, hereby request a raise in salary for the
>following
> >reasons:
> >
> >I do physical labour
> >I work at great depths
> >I plunge head first into everything I do
> >I do not get weekends off or public holidays
> >I work in a damp environment
> >I don't get paid overtime
> >I work in a dark workplace that has poor ventilation
> >I work in high temperatures
> >My work exposes me to contagious diseases
> >
> >
>
>
>
> >Dear Penis,
> >
> >After assessing your request, and considering the
arguments you
> have
> >raised, the administration rejects your request for the
> following
> >reasons:
> >
> >You do not work 8 hours straight
> >You fall asleep on the job after brief work period
> >You do not always follow the orders of the management team
> >You do not stay in your allocated position, and often
visit
> other
> >areas
> >You do not take initiative - you need to be pressured and
> >stimulated in order to start working
> >You leave the workplace rather messy at the end of your
shift
> >You don't always observe necessary safety regulations,
such as
> >wearing the correct protective clothing
> >You'll retire well before reaching 65
> >You're unable to work double shifts
> >You sometimes leave your allocated position before you
have
> >completed the day's work. And if that were not all, you
have
> been seen
> >constantly entering and leaving the workplace carrying 2
> suspicious
> >looking bags.
> >
> >Sincerely,
> >The Management

> > A Northern Territory farm hand radios back to the farm manager.
> > "Boss, I gotta helluva problem here. I hit a pig with the ute. The
> > pig's OK, but he's stuck in the bullbars at the front of my ute and

> > is wriggling and squealing so much I can't get him out."
> >
> > The manager says "Ok, there's a 303 behind the seat. Take it, shoot
> > the pig in the head and you'll be able to remove him."
> >
> > Five minutes later the farm hand calls back. "I did what you said
> > boss. Took the 303, shot the pig in the head and removed him from
> > the bull-bars. No problem there, but I still can't go on".
> >
> > "Now what's the problem?" raged the Manager. "Well boss, it's his
> > motor-bike. The flashing blue light is stuck under the right-front
> > wheel arch."........................ ......................... "You
> > there Boss?

A Man gets up one morning to find his dyslexic wife already in the
kitchen cooking. He looks to see what his wife is cooking, and to his
surprise he sees she has one of his socks frying in a wok.

"What are you doing?" he asked
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night", she replied
Completely puzzled, the man walks away thinking to himself, "I don't
remember asking her to cook my sock" 8O [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]


Cheers
Knight :wink:

Man walks into the bedroom with a sheep under his arm, his wife is
lying in bed reading.
Man says, "This is the pig I have sex with when you've got a
headache."
Wife replies, "I think you'll find, that is a sheep."
Man replies, "I think you'll find I was talking to the sheep!"

This is a bloody brilliant post, heres my contribution

How many nationalities can you offend with one joke...

On a beautiful deserted island in the middle of
nowhere, the following people are stranded:

2 Italian men and 1 Italian woman
2 French men and 1 French woman
2 German men and 1 German woman
2 Greek men and 1 Greek woman
2 English men and 1 English woman
2 Polish men and 1 Polish woman
2 Japanese men and 1 Japanese woman
2 American men and 1 American woman
2 Australian men and 1 Australian woman
2 New Zealand men and 1 New Zealand woman
2 Irish men and 1 Irish woman

One month later, the following things have occurred:

One Italian man killed the other Italian man for the
Italian woman.

The two French men and the French woman are living
happily together, having loads of sex.

The two German men have a strict weekly schedule of
when they alternate with the German woman.

The two Greek men are sleeping with each other and the
Greek woman is cleaning and cooking for them.

The two English men are waiting for someone to
introduce them to the English woman.

The Polish men took a long look at the endless ocean
and one look at the Polish woman and they started
swimming.

The two American men are contemplating the virtues of
suicide, while the American woman keeps on wingeing
about her body being her own, the true nature of
feminism, how she can do everything that they can do,
about the necessity of fulfilment, the equal division
of household chores, how her last boyfriend respected
her opinion and treated her much nicer and how her
relationship with her mother is improving. But at
least the taxes here are low and it is not raining.

The two Japanese men have faxed Tokyo and are waiting
for instructions.

The two Australian men beat each other senseless
fighting over the Australian woman, who is checking
out all the other men, after calling them both "bloody *******".

Both New Zealand men are searching the island for
sheep.

The Irish began by dividing the island into North and
South and setting up a
distillery. They do not remember if sex is in the
picture because it gets
sort of foggy after the first few litres of coconut
whiskey, but they are
satisfied in that at least the English aren't getting any...

I don't write em I just forward em...

FEMALE PRAYER
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong,
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
when I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man
who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to
"How big is my behind?"
I pray that this man
will love me to no end,
and always be my very best friend.
Amen. :roll:






MALE PRAYER
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac
with huge boobs who owns a
liquor store.
Amen
[img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Cheers
Knight :wink:
(VERY busy with work - will be back here regularly when possible!!)

A young couple gets married, and the groom asks his bride if he can have a dresser drawer of his own that she will never open. The bride agrees. After 30 years of marriage, she notices that his drawer has been left open. She peeks inside and sees 3 golf balls and $1,000.

She confronts her husband and asks for an explanation. He explains "Every time I was unfaithful to you, I put a golf ball in the drawer." She figures 3 times in 30 years isn't bad and asks "But what about the $1,000?" He replied "Whenever I got a dozen golf balls, I sold them"