Thread: Laughs/Funnies for 2005

Police arrested Malcolm Davidson, a 27 year-old white male resident of Wilmington, NC, in a pumpkin patch at 11:38pm Friday. Davidson will be charged with lewd and lascivious behavior, public indecency, and public intoxication at the County courthouse on Monday.

The suspect allegedly stated that as he was passing a pumpkin patch, he decided to stop. "You know, a pumpkin is soft and squishy inside, and there was no one around here for miles. At least I thought there wasn't," he stated in a phone interview from the County courthouse jail.

Davidson went on to state that he pulled over to the side of the road, picked out pumpkin that he felt was appropriate to his purposes, cut a hole in it, and proceeded to satisfy his alleged "need". "I guess I was just really into it, you know?" he commented with evident embarrassment.

In the process, Davidson apparently failed to notice the Wilmington Municipal police car approaching and was unaware of his audience until officer Brenda Taylor approached him. "It was an unusual situation, that's for sure." said officer Taylor. "I walked up to (Davidson) and he's...just working away at this pumpkin." Taylor went on to describe what happened when she approached Davidson. He just went up and said, 'Excuse me sir, but do you realize that you are screwing a pumpkin?' He got real surprised as you'd expect and then looked me straight in the face and said,

"A pumpkin? Damn... is it midnight already?"

> > > >The train was quite crowded, so the U. S Marine walked its
entire
> > length
> > > >looking for a seat, but the only seat left was taken by a
> well-dressed
> > > >middle-aged French woman's poodle. The war-weary Marine
asked,
> "Ma'am
> > may I
> > > >have that seat?"
> > > >The French woman just sniffed and said to no one in
particular,
> > "Americans
> > > >are so rude. My little Fifi is using that seat."
> > > >The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat
left
was
> > under
> > > >that dog.
> > > >"Please, ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
> > > >She snorted, " Not only are you Americans rude, you are also
> arrogant."
> > > >This time the Marine didn't say a word, he just picked up
the
little
> > dog,
> > > >tossed it out the train window, and sat down.
> > > >The woman shrieked, "Somebody must defend my honour! Put
this
> American
> > in
> > > >his place!"
> > > >An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up.
> > > >"Sir, you Americans often seem to have a penchant for doing
the
> wrong
> > > >thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your
autos
on
> the
> > > >wrong side of the road. And now, sir.........you've thrown
the
wrong
> > bitch
> > > >out the window."

>>> Curtain Rods
>>>
>>>
>>> She spent the first day packing her belongings into boxes,
>>>crates and
>>>suitcases.
>>>
>>>
>>> On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her
>>>things.
>>>
>>>
>>> On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their
>>>beautiful
>>>diningroom table by candlelight, put on some soft background
>>>music, and
>>>feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of
>>>Chardonnay
>>>When she had finished, she went into each and every room and
>>>deposited a few
>>>half-eaten shrimp shells, dipped in caviar, into the hollow of the
>>>curtain
>>>rods.
>>>
>>> She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
>>>
>>> When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss
>>>for the
>>>first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried
>>>everything; cleaning and mopping and airing the place out. Vents
>>>were
>>>checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air
>>>fresheners
>>>were hung everywhere.
>>>
>>>
>>>Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during
>>>which they
>>>had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to
>>>replace the
>>>expensive wool carpeting.
>>>
>>>Nothing worked. People stopped coming over to visit...
>>>
>>>
>>>Repairmen refused to work in the house...The maid quit...
>>>
>>>
>>>Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to
>>>move.
>>>
>>>
>>>A month later, even though they had cut their pr ice in half, they
>>>could not
>>>find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out, and eventually,
>>>even he
>>>local realtors refused to return their calls.
>>>
>>>
>>>Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to
>>>purchase
>>>new place.
>>>
>>> The ex-wife called the man, and asked how things were going. He
>>>told her
>>>the saga of the rotting house.
>>>
>>>
>>>She listened politely, and said that she missed her old home
>>>terribly, and
>>>would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for
>>>getting
>>>the house back...
>>>
>>> Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed
>>>on price
>>>that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth...But only
>>>if she
>>>were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed, and within the
>>>hour, his
>>>lawyers delivered the paperwork.
>>>
>>>A week later, the man and his new girlfriend stood smirking as
>>>they watched
>>>the moving company pack everything to take to their new
>>>home.........including the curtain rods.
>>>
>>> I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU

Yeah!! but it would have been better if the Husband had done that to a cheating wife [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]

Combat for Dummies
Advice and instructions taken from actual military sources. Some of these guys must have had a sense of humor

"Aim towards the enemy."
--Instruction printed on U.S. Rocket Launcher

"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend."
--U.S. Marine Corps

"Cluster bombing from B-52s is very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
--USAF Ammo Troop

"If the enemy is in range, so are you."
--Infantry Journal

"A slipping gear could let your m203 grenade launcher fire when you least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
--Army's magazine of prevention maintenance

"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
--U.S. Air Force manual

"Try to look unimportant; the enemy may be low on ammo."
--Infantry Journal

"Tracers work both ways."
--U.S. Army Ordnance

"Five-second fuses only last three seconds."
--Infantry Journal

"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
--David Hackworth

"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
--Infantry Journal

"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."
--Joe Gay

"Any ship can be a minesweeper....once."
--Anon

"Never tell the platoon sergeant you have nothing to do."
--Unknown Marine Recruit

"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
--Infantry Journal

"If you see a bomb technician running, try to keep up with him."
--USAF Ammo Troop

The inmate on death row was scheduled to be put to death by firing squad the follow morning. Throughout the day, the prison guards were being very nice to him. But when they asked him if he wanted something specific for his last meal, he said he didn't want anything special. When they asked if there was something special he wanted to do, he said nothing. It went on like this all day.

Finally, when he was put before the firing squad, the guard asked if he wanted a cigarette and a blindfold.

"No," the inmate said, "just get it over with."

"Well, is there anything that I can do for you before you go?" said the guard. "You didn't even want a special last meal!"

The inmate thought. "Actually," he said, "Music is my life. One thing I would really like would be to sing my favorite song, one whole time through, with no interruptions."

The guard nodded and told him to go ahead.

The inmate started, "One billion bottles of beer on the wall..."

SITTING BEHIND A COUPLE OF NUNS AT A FOOTBALL GAME (WHOSE HABITS
PARTIALLY BLOCKED THE VIEW), THREE MEN DECIDED TO BADGER THE NUNS IN AN
EFFORT TO GET THEM TO MOVE.

IN A VERY LOUD VOICE, THE FIRST GUY SAID, "I THINK I'M GOING TO MOVE
TO WESTERN AUSTRALIA, THERE ARE ONLY 100 NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE SECOND GUY SPOKE UP AND SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO TASMANIA, THERE
ARE ONLY 5O NUNS LIVING THERE."

THE THIRD GUY SAID, "I WANT TO GO TO THE DARWIN, THERE ARE ONLY 25 NUNS
LIVING THERE."

ONE OF THE NUNS TURNED AROUND, LOOKED AT THE MEN, AND IN A VERY
SWEET, CALM, VOICE SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO TO HELL .. THERE AREN'T ANY
NUNS THERE."

<span style="color:red">warning </span> bare bottom


how to hypnotize a man [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img] [img]style_emoticons/<#EMO_DIR#>/laugh.gif[/img]


click on link http://mysite.verizon.net/philsackett/temp/hypno.html