Jokes

She texted me: "Your adorable."

I replied: "No. YOU'RE adorable."

Now she likes me.

All I did was point out her typo.

At dawn the telephone rings,


"Hello, Señor Bob? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house."

"Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?"

"Um, I am just calling to advise you, Señor Bob, that your parrot, he is dead".

"My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?"

"Si, Señor, that's the one."

"Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?"

"From eating the rotten meat, Señor Bob."

"Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?"

"Nobody, Señor. He ate the meat of the dead horse."

"The dead horse? What dead horse?"

"The thoroughbred, Señor Bob ...."

"My prize thoroughbred is dead?"

"Yes, Señor Bob, he died from all that work pulling the water cart."

"Are you insane? What water cart?"

"The one we used to put out the fire, Señor."

"Good Lord! What fire are you talking about, man?"

"The one at your house, Señor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire."

"What the hell? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle?!"

"Yes, Señor Bob."

"But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?"

"For the funeral, Señor Bob ...."

"WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!"

"Your wife's, Señor Bob. She showed up very late one night and I thought
she was a thief, so I hit her with your new Ping G15 204g titanium head
golf club with the TFC 149D graphite shaft."


SILENCE...........



LONG SILENCE.........



VERY LONG SILENCE............



"Ernesto, if you broke that ****ing driver, you're in deep ****."

Stuttering Cat - as explained by a grade 4 pupil......
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

"Human beings are the only animals that stutter," she says.

A little girl raises her hand. "I had a kitty-cat who stuttered."

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked
the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler
that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped
over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went "Ffffff!, Ffffff!, FfffffF," but before she
could say 'F**k!,' the Rottweiler ate her!

The teacher had to leave the room. :D:D:D

Love the stuttering cat :)


Q; What did the cannibal do when he dumped his girlfriend?

A; wiped his arse...

A Scotsman walks into a bank in Glasgow and asks for the loan officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to Australia on business
For two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank
Will need some form of security for the loan,
So the canny Scots lad hands over the keys
And documents of new Ferrari parked
On the street in front of the bank.
He produces the Log Book and everything checks out.
The loan officer agrees to accept
The car as collateral for the loan.

The bank's Manager and its officers
All enjoy a good laugh at the rough looking Scotsman
For using a £120,000 Ferrari
As collateral against a £5000 loan.
An employee of the bank then
Drives the Ferrari in to the bank's
Underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Scotsman returns,
Repays the £5,000 and the interest,
Which comes to £15.41.
The loan officer says,
"Sir, we are very happy to have had your business,
And this transaction has worked out very nicely,
But we are a little puzzled.
While you were away,
We checked you out and found that you are a multi millionaire.
So what puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow "£5,000" ?


The Scotsman replies:


"Where else in Glasgow can I park my car
For two weeks for only £15.41
And expect it to be there when I return'"

He said . . . I don’t know why you wear a bra; you’ve got nothing to put in it.
She said . . . You wear pants don’t you?
He said . . ….. Shall we try swapping positions tonight?
She said . That’s a good idea – you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said . … What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you?
She said . …..Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said . . ….. Why don’t you tell me when you have an orgasm?
She said . . .. I would but you’re never there.
He said . ….. Why don’t women blink during foreplay?
She said . . They don’t have time
He said . . How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
She said . . We don’t know; it has never happened.
He said . . Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and Good- looking?
She said …… . . They already have boyfriends.
He said…What do you call a women who knows where her husband is every night?
She said . . . A widow.
He said . .. . Why are married women heavier than single women?
She said . . . Single women come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what’s in bed and go to the fridge.

Trust Your Husband :

A wife comes home late at night and quietly opens the door to her bedroom.

From under the blanket she sees four legs instead of two. A man and a woman.

She reaches for a baseball bat and starts hitting the blanket as hard as she can.

Once she's done, she goes to the kitchen to have a drink.

As she enters, she sees her husband there, reading a magazine.

"Hi Darling", he says, "Your parents have come to visit us,
so l let them stay in our bedroom.

Did you say ‘hello’?”

I read where Craig Thomson is alleged to have used the alias "Jeff Thomson" on a visit to a brothel. Apart from besmirching the name of a good bloke and a great cricketer, he obviously had a different take on how to bowl a maiden over...

An AIR IRELAND jet is landing at a foriegn airport.Pilot lines up runway,touches down and full reverse thrust and hard on the brakes.Comes to a stop with the nosewheel on the grass.Pilot says"Sure and begorrah that would have to be the shortest runway i've ever landed on!!"Co pilot looks out the windows and says"Yeah,but look how wide it is!"

One day, while going to the shop, I passed
By a retirement village. On the front lawn
Were six old ladies, lying naked on the grass.
I thought this was a bit unusual, but continued
On my way. On my return trip, I passed the same
Retirement village with the same six old ladies
lying naked on the lawn. This time my curiosity got the better of me
and I went inside to talk to the retirement village
Administrator, and asked her?
Do you know there are six ladies lying naked on your front lawn?
Yes, she said, "aren't they darlings? They're
Retired prostitutes - they're having a garage sale.