Jokes

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide.

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?


The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband.


The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have
mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill your husband, that's against
the law. I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT
have any cyanide. Just get a divorce!"


The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me
you had a prescription."

While taxiing at London's Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.
An irate female ATC ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming:
"US Air 2771, where the hell are you going? I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!"

Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically:
"God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to!
You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"

"Yes, ma'am," the humbled crew responded.

Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind.
Tension in every cockpit out around Gatwick was definitely running high.

Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking, "Wasn't I married to you once?"

(Thanks Jim :D)

> Seduction
>
> With a very seductive voice a wife asked her husband
> "Have you ever seen Twenty Dollars all crumpled up?"
>
> "No" said her husband.
>
> She gave him a sexy little smile unbuttoned top three buttons of her blouse and slowly reached down in her
> cleavage created by a soft, silky push up bra and pulled
> out a crumpled Twenty Dollar bill.
>
> He took the crumpled Twenty Dollar bill from her and
> smiled approvingly.
>
> She then asked "Have you ever seen Fifty Dollars all crumpled up?" "No I haven't" he said, an anxious tone
> in his voice.
>
> She gave him another sexy little smile pulled up her
> skirt, seductively reached into her tight sheer panties
> and pulled out a crumpled Fifty Dollar bill.
> He took the crumpled Fifty Dollar bill and started
> breathing a little quicker with anticipation.
>
> "Now" she said "Have you ever seen 50,000 Dollars
> all crumpled up?"
>
> "No way" he said becoming even more aroused and
> excited to which she replied:
>
> "Go look in the garage."

A man was sitting on the edge of the bed, watching hiswife, who was looking at herself in the mirror. Since her birthday was not far off he asked what she'd like tohave for her birthday.

'I'd like to be eight again', she replied, still lookingin the mirror ..

On the morning of her Birthday, he arose early, made her a nice big bowl of Coco Pops, and then took her to Adventure World theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park; the Death Slide, the Wall of Fear, the Screaming Roller Coaster, everything there was.

Five hours later they staggered out of the theme park. Her head was reeling and her stomach felt upside down. He then took her to a McDonald's where he ordered her a Happy Meal with extra fries and a chocolate shake.
Then it was off to a movie, popcorn, a soda pop, and her favoritecandy, M&M's. What a fabulous adventure!Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed exhausted.He leaned over his wife with a big smile and lovingly asked, 'Well Dear, what was it like being eight again?

Her eyes slowly opened and her expression suddenly changed .'I meant my dress size, you Retard!!!!'

The moral of the story: Even when a man is listening, he is gonna get it wrong.

It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Six Irish men were playing poker when one of them played a bad hand and died.

The rest drew straws to see who would tell his wife. One man draws the shortest straw and goes to his friend’s house to tell the wife.

The man says to her, “Your husband lost some money in the poker game and is afraid to come home.”

The wife says, “Tell him to drop dead!” The man responds, “I’ll go tell him.

Well, I guess we should count ourselves lucky Oscar Pistorius was competing in the men's 400m at the Olympics, and not starting it.

Honestly Oscar Pistorius has an incredible record of wins to his name.
Six gold medals, four silver medals and one argument

Things aren't that bad for him, Oscar Pistorius. He has the court's best car parking space.

Oscarpistosis - the condition of being afraid to go to the toilet at your boyfriend's house.

Just played Paralympic Cluedo. Comes up with the same answer at the end though

The Sprinter
With the firearm
In the bathroom

Oscar Pistorius must be devastated.

He has been running in able bodied events for over a decade without a single gold medal.

Yet at 4 am in the dark with a pistol he shot four perfect bulls-eyes through a closed door.

It must be horrible to realize you went to the 2012 Olympics in the wrong sport

New revelations in the Oscar Pistorius case. Police found a cricket bat covered in blood on the scene!

And a pair of stumps...



I heard that before he was on bail they bugged his house, here is some of the recordings..
After a night of passion, Oscar Pretorios' new girlfriend snuggles in and asks "Oscar, did you really mean to kill her ?"....
"Why, do you really need to know the truth ?".he asks....
" No not really, but I'm bursting for a pee ....."


Apparently Oscar Pistorius' legs could've been saved from the knees down when he was a child.

Unfortunately the surgeons ran out of op shins.


Everyone is being too quick to judge Oscar Pistorius. To quote the bible; "let he who is without shins cast the first stone"




Oscar Pistorious went to his local fish and chip shop for some dinner.
"Get out of here, you murdering bastard", said the owner. "I'm not serving your sort in here. There's another shop ten minutes down the road."

"Show some respect", said Oscar. "I've won six Olympic gold medals and I can run the 100 metres in 10.9 seconds".

"In that case, I apologise," said the shop owner. "It's only two minutes down the road."


They arrested Oscar Pistorius running from the scene.
Anyone else think that it was just his natural reaction to start sprinting when he heard a gunshot?

Adoption

Couple from a circus go to an adoption agency, but social workers are doubtful about their accommodation.

So they produce photos of their 15 metre long caravan, the back half of which is a beautifully equipped nursery.

The social workers then are doubtful about the education that would be provided.

"We'll employ an Oxford don who'll teach the child all the subjects along with Mandarin and ICT skills".

There are then doubts expressed about the child’s healthy upbringing.

"Our full time nanny is an expert in paediatric welfare and diet", they reply.

So the social workers are finally satisfied, and ask what age of child they were looking for.

"It doesn't really matter", they say, "so long as he fits in the cannon".

Cowboy: "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please."
Cashier: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir - ??"
Cowboy: "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....."

There were five houses of religion in a small town:
The Presbyterian Church,
The Baptist Church ,
The Methodist Church ,
The Catholic Church
and
The Jewish Synagogue.

Each church and Synagogue was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian Church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels.
After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In The BAPTIST CHURCH the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery.
The deacons met and decided to put a cover on the baptistery and drown the squirrels in it.
The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week

The Methodist Church got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation.
So, they humanely trapped the Squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town.
Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- The Catholic Church came up with the best and most effective solution.
They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.
Now they only see them on Christmas, Ash Wednesday, Palm Sunday and Easter.

Not much was heard about the Jewish Synagogue,
but they took one squirrel and had a short service with him called circumcision and they haven't seen a squirrel on the property since.