Jokes

A wife treats hunny by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.At the club the doorman says, "Hi Jim, how are you?
The wife ask, how does he know you?
Jim says, Oh dear, I play football with him. Inside, the bartender says, The usual Jim?
Jim says to wife, before you say anything, he is on the darts team.
Next a stripper says, Hi Jim, do you crave for a special again?
The wife storms out dragging Jim with her and jump in a taxi.
The taxi driver says, Hey Jimmy boy!You picked up an ugly one this time...
Jim's funeral is on Sunday!!!!

In April I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said, I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is.

He looked hard at me and said, You have to love Easter, baby.

Some of you may have heard this one.

Mick and Paddy hire a boat and go fishing.

They are catching heaps of fish,so Paddy says,how are we going to mark the spot?

Mick says,i will get a nikko and put a cross on the side of the boat.

Paddy says, thats no friggin good.

Why, says Mick.

Because tomorrow they may give us a different boat,says Paddy.

Husband takes his wife to a disco. There is a guy on the dance floor giving it loads: break-dancing, moon-walking, back-flips, spinning on his head....the works.

The wife turns to the husband and says: "See that guy; 25-years-ago he proposed to me and I turned him down."

The husband picks up his pint, takes a slow sip, looks over at the guy on the dance floor and says to his wife: "Looks like he's still ****ing celebrating."

A little girl goes to the barbershop with her dad


and stands next to the chair, eating a muffin while





her dad gets a haircut.
​



The barber smiles at her and says:





"Your gonna get hair on your muffin!





" I know," she says.





"I'm gonna get boobs too, you dirty old bastard."

The lady was a southern woman who attended church services and taught
Sunday School every week.

One Sunday, an out of town acquaintance, a gentleman, was in the pew
right behind her. He noted what a fine looking woman she was.

While they were taking up the collection, the man leaned forward and
said, ?How about you and I having dinner on Tuesday??

?Why yes, that would be nice?, the lady responded.

Well, the gentleman couldn't believe his luck.

On Tuesday he picked the lady up and took her to the finest restaurant
in town. When they sat down, the gentleman looked over at her and
suggested, ?Would you like a cocktail before dinner??

?Oh, no,? said the fine example of southern womanhood. ?What ever
would I tell my Sunday School class??

Well, the gentleman was set back a bit, so he didn't say much until
after dinner, when he pulled out a pack of cigarettes and asked,
?Would you like a smoke??

?Oh my goodness no,? said the woman. ?I couldn't face my Sunday School
class if I did!?

Well, the man felt pretty low after that, so they left and got into
his car. As he was driving the lady home, they passed the local
Holiday Inn. He'd been morally rebuffed twice already, so he figured
he had nothing to lose so he ventured forth with, ?Ahhh, hhhhmmmm, how
would you like to stop at this motel??

?Sure, that would be nice,? she said in anticipation.

The gentleman couldn't believe his ears. He did a fast u-turn right
then and there, drove back to the motel and checked in!

The next morning, after a wild and passionate night of the most
incredible lovemaking imaginable, the gentleman awoke first. He looked
at the lovely Dixie darlin? lying there in the bed and with remorse
thought, ?What have I done??

He shook her awake and pleaded, ?I've got to ask you one thing,
whatever are you going to tell your Sunday School class??

The lady said, ?The same thing I always tell them, ?You don't have to
smoke and drink to have a good time.??

Jack goes to his friend Mike and says ...
"I'm sleeping with the pastor's wife.
Can you hold him in church for an hour after services for me?"
The friend doesn't like it but being a friend, he agrees.
After the services, he starts talking to the pastor, asking him all sorts of
stupid questions, just to keep him occupied.
Finally the pastor gets annoyed and asks Mike what he's really up to.

Mike, feeling guilty, finally confesses to the pastor...
"My friend is sleeping with your wife right now, so he asked me to keep
you occupied."

The pastor smiles, puts a brotherly hand on Mike's shoulder and says...

"You better hurry home now. My wife died a year ago"

Three IBM staff were driving to the airport after attending a conference. They get a flat tyre and pull over to the side of the road.

The SALES PERSON gets out of the car, kicks it and says "The problem is that we need a new car"

The REPAIR TECHNICIAN gets out and says "It's not that bad - just a faulty module. We have a spare module in the boot. I'll swap it over with each module in turn until we identify the faulty unit and we'll be good to go"

The SOFTWARE DEVELOPER gets out of the car and says "It's not that bad - lets just turn the car off, wait a minute, turn it back on again and see if the problem has gone away"

This one is much better when spoken than typed, so read it aloud...

Two dogs approached each other as they were walked down the street by their owners. The mongrel, straining at the lead said enthusiastically to the pure-bred poodle " 'ullo, whats your name??? " to which the poodle with it's nose stuck firmly in the air replied with pompous disdain "my name is Fifi - that's f - i - f - i". The mongrel replied "my name's fido - that's p - h - i - d - e - a - u - x"

It is rumoured that the handbook for the replacement Defender will have instructions on how to deactivate the airbag, namely "Would you mind not talking dear.