Jokes

Subject: Smokin' in the Rain
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely
(she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what
size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.

Three Men at the Gates...

Three men were standing in line to get into heaven one day.

Apparently it had been a pretty busy day, though, so Peter had to tell the first one, "Heaven's getting pretty close to full today, and I've been asked to admit only people who have had particularly horrible deaths. So what's your story?"

So the first man replies: "Well, for a while I've suspected my wife has been cheating on me, so today I came home early to try to catch her red-handed. As I came into my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching around didn't reveal where this other guy could have been hiding.

Finally, I went out to the balcony, and sure enough, there was this man hanging off the railing, 25 floors above ground! By now I was really mad,so I started beating on him and kicking him, but wouldn't you know it, he wouldn't fall off. So finally I went back into my apartment and got a hammer and starting hammering on his fingers. Of course, he
couldn't stand that for long, so he let go and fell -- but even after 25 stories, he fell into the bushes, stunned but okay. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I ran into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge where it landed on him, killing him instantly. But all the stress and anger got to me, and I had a heart attack and died there on
the balcony." "That sounds like a pretty bad day to me," said Peter, and let the man in.

The second man comes up and Peter explains to him about heaven being full,and again asks for his story. "It's been a very strange day. You see, I live on the 26th floor of my apartment building, and every morning I do my exercises out on my balcony. Well, this morning I must have slipped or something, because I fell over the edge. But I got
lucky, and caught the railing of the balcony on the floor below me. I knew I couldn't hang on for very long, when suddenly this man burst out onto the balcony. I thought for sure I was saved, when he started beating on me and kicking me. I held on the best I could until he ran into the apartment and grabbed a hammer and started pounding on my
hands. Finally I just let go, but again I got lucky and fell into the bushes below, stunned but all right. Just when I was thinking I was going to be okay, this refrigerator comes falling out of the sky and crushes me instantly, and now I'm here."
Once again, Peter had to concede that that sounded like a pretty horrible death.

The third man came to the front of the line, and again the whole process was repeated. Peter explained that heaven was full and asked for his story.

"Picture this," says the third man, "I'm hiding naked inside a refrigerator..."

Irish Logic

Two Irishmen were sitting
in a pub watching the Tour de France on TV.

Seamus shook his head and asked, "Whoi t'e hell do they do that?"

"Do what?" asked Mick.

"Go on them boikes for moiles and moiles, up and down t'e hills, round t'e bends. Day after day, week after week. No matter if it's oicy, rainin?, snowin?, hailin? . .. . why would they torture themselves like that?"

"Tis all for the prestige and the money," replied Mick, "You know the winner gets about a half a million Euros?.

"Yeah, I understand that." said Seamus, "But why do all the others do it?"

Year 9 camp joke
Did you know that chickens love bacon? Yeah, they walk around all day going, "Pork, pork, pork."

At school, Little Johnny's classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it's very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth."
Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny's mother greets him at home, and he tells her, "I know the whole truth." His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." The father promptly hands him $40 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."



Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth."

The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Finally! Now come give your old man a great big hug!"

Paddy had been marooned on a tropical island, alone for years. One day a beautiful young lady appears on the beach in full scuba gear. As Paddy stands with his lower jaw in the vicinity of his knees, the skin diver pulls down the zip of her suit. Revealing the upper part of a firm and ample bosom, she takes out a packet of cigarettes, asking "Would you like a smoke?"
Paddy replied "Begorrah, 'tis ten years since I've had a fag, yes, thank you."
She lowers the zip even further, showing off a most attractively tanned tummy and produces a bottle of whiskey, saying "Would you like a drink?"
"Sweet Mary in Heaven, I've not had a drop in ten years, yes please." said Paddy.
Pulling the zip all the way down and allowing the wetsuit to fall from her shoulders, she asks "Would you like to play around?"
Paddy, shocked and almost speachless, mumbled "Holy Fat Saint Patrick, don't tell me you've a set of golf clubs in there too!"

BEAR ON THE ROOF


A man in Michigan's Upper Peninsula wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.



So he looks in the yellow pages and, sure enough, there's an ad for "Up North Bear Removers."

He calls the number and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.



The bear remover arrives and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat, 12-gauge shotgun and a mean, heavily scarred, old pit bull.

"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.

"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going up there and knock the bear off the roof with this baseball bat.



When the bear falls off the roof, the pit bull is trained to grab his testicles and not let go.



The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put him in the cage in the back of the van."

He then hands the shotgun to the homeowner.

"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.

"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."

... You must be getting on to being OLD, like me... :p

Thank you Volkswagen. You've now got me worrying that Herbie wasn't a true story too.

An old Australian priest lay dying. He sent a message for an Australian Tax Office supervisor and his lawyer to come to the hospital. When they arrived, they were ushered up to his room. As they entered the room, the priest held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The priest grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.
For a time, no one said anything. Both the Australian Tax Office supervisor and the lawyer were touched and flattered that the old man would ask them to be with him during his final moments, however they were also puzzled because the priest had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them.
Finally, the lawyer asked, ?Father, why did you ask the two of us to come here??
The old priest mustered all his strength, and then whispered weakly?
?Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I'd like to go?.