Jokes

True story



Two well-dressed ladies met, waiting in the Business Lounge at Brisbane Airport.



Lady from Mount Isa.? Do you have children??


Lady from Toorak Melbourne: ?Yes, I have three of the world's most beautiful children.

Do you know, that when my first child was born, my husband who's a financial guru with Macquarie Bank- bought me a Mercedes Sports.



Lady from Mount Isa: ?Well, isn't that just precious!?



?Yes and when our second was born my adorable husband bought me a holiday apartment up here on the Gold Coast?.



?Well, isn't that just precious!?



?Yes and when our third arrived he bought me this 300 thousand dollar diamond bracelet?



?Well isn't that just precious!?



? Do you have children??



? Yes I have six?.



?Ohhh how nice! Did your husband buy you anything to celebrate their birth??



? When the first arrived, my husband who is a boilermaker in the mines at Isa, bought me a two weeks crash course in Miss Bonham's School of Deportment in Brisbane?



?My goodness- why on earth did he do that for??



?Well as an example??.. instead of saying ? Who gives a flying ****?, I learned to say- ?Isn't, that just precious?.

One night a woman with a newborn baby spotted her husband standing over their baby's cot.

She watched him silently and unobtrusively, with curiosity.

As he stood there, looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face
a mixture of emotions; disbelief, amazement, enchantment, scepticism, and intense study.

Touched by this display and the deep emotions he was showing, she moved
into the baby's room and slipped her arm around her husband.

"A penny for your thoughts", she whispered.

"It's utterly amazing, and beyond all understanding", he said.
"It's got me stuffed how anyone could build a cot like this for $49!!"

The hardest part of Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting you don't have a problem.

IRISH GHOST STORY
This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true.
~~~~~~~~~~~~
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm.

The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him.
Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped.

John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door...only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on.

The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life.

Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him.

Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength; he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had.

A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying...and wasn't drunk.

Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other:

"Look Paddy...there's that f**** idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!"

A cannibal was walking through the jungle and came upon a restaurant operated by a fellow cannibal.
Feeling somewhat hungry, he sat down and looked over the menu....

+ Tourist: $8.00

+Broiled Missionary: $10.00

+Fried Explorer: $12.50
Fricassee Liberal Politician or
Baked Green Politician or Grilled Labor Politician $100.00

The cannibal called the waiter over and asked, "Why such a high price for the Politicians?"

The cook replied, "Have you ever tried to clean one?

They're so full of ****, it takes all morning."

I got a new boomerang today the only problem is i just can't seem to throw the old one away :)

Tarzan meets Jane:
When Jane initially met Tarzan in the jungle, she was attracted to him, And
during her questions about his life, she asked him how he had sex?
Tarzan not know sex' he replied.
Jane explained to him what sex was.
Tarzan said ...Tarzan use knot hole in trunk of tree.'
Horrified Jane said, 'Tarzan you have it all wrong, but I will show you how
to do it properly.'
She took off her clothing and laid down on the ground.
'Here' she said, pointing to her privates, 'you must put it in here.'
Tarzan removed his loin cloth, showing Jane his considerable manhood,
stepped closer to her and kicked her in the crotch!
Jane rolled around in agony for what seemed like an eternity.
Eventually she managed to gasp for air and screamed 'What did you do that
for?'
Tarzan replied, 'Check for squirrel.'

A circle, a rhombus, a pentagon and a scalene triangle walk into a bar. The rhombus says to the circle: 'Your round'.

Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A: Two, if they're small enough.


(you started it!!)

Quote:

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Originally Posted by mox

...

Story was that this cannibal who loved brains went to the butcher. He enquired about the prices of brains from people of several occupational backgrounds. Including per kilogram rates from labourers, doctors and even nuclear physicists. The cannibal asked why the price for politicians' brains was several times that of any other type. Butcher answered that the problem was such a large number of politicians was necessary to obtain a kilogram of brains.

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I thought it was because they were brand-new, never been used!