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The Chinese Tour Guide in Shanghai...
There was this Chinese girl at a travel agency when I was in Shanghai,
I asked her if she could escort me for a city tour and asked for her mobile number,
so I could call her to make arrangements.
She got excited and said: "sex sex sex, wan free sex for tonigh"
Wow, I'm guessing this is how Chinese women express their hospitality!
But then, my friend, who'd been to China before, interpreted it for me and told me
what she really said : 666136429
This probably shouldn't be in the jokes section. It actually happens like this. Well you have to laugh or you would cry at the wasted dollars.
Defence Purchasing and Procurement Process explained.
This has to be the best explanation of this process I have ever seen. I'm sure there are some here who will appreciate this logic!!
Enjoy
So, Defence wants to buy a dog for 50 bucks.
DMO says no, not when we can buy a cat for 30.
DMO goes ahead and purchases a cat.
After years of field trials, it is decided that the cat cannot perform the function of a dog.
Defence says look, we can still get a dog for 50 bucks, and it's all good.
DMO says no, we've already got the cat, and we can retrofit it out to perform the function of a dog for only 45 bucks! That's still cheaper than the dog!
DMO kit the cat out, and with a lot of screaming and shouting, the cat almost passes the tests.
DMO decide to lower the standard of the test because it is unfair on the cat, who is feeling belittled because it is expected to pass the dog test.
DMO hire a cat specialist for 30 bucks to design a testing process for the cat. Once the testing process is tailored to suit the cat, it passes with flying colours!
DMO supply Defence with the upgraded cat. Once in use, Defence discovers that the cat is not as functional as a dog, and demands a dog.
DMO have no money left to purchase a dog after project ?Cat? blew out the budget, and Defence has no choice but to put up with the cat."
If you like that you have to watch the movie Pentagon WarsQuote:
Originally Posted by carlschmid2002
https://www.aulro.com/afvb/[/URL][/IMG]
I have seen bits of it. One day I will have to sit down and watch the whole movie.Quote:
Originally Posted by Chenz
The scene with the sheep and the anti-tank missile is priceless
A man applying for a job at a lemon grove seemed to be far too qualified for the job.
The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you this; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons?"
He replied:
"I've been divorced three times, Bought a Prado and I voted for Kevin Rudd."
A young boy enters a barber shop...
and the barber whispers to his customer, "This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you."
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, "Which do you want, son?"
The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
"What did I tell you?" said the barber. "That kid never learns!"
A young boy enters a barber shop...
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store.
Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?"
The boy licked his cone and replied, "Because the day I take the dollar, the game is over!"
What is red and bad for your teeth? A brick.
If you're cold; go stand in the corner. They're usually about 90 degrees.
What do you call a belt made out of watches? A waist of time.
What is grey and can't fly. Concrete.
What did the chickpea say when it had a stomach ache? ?I falafel.?
What do you call a fake noodle? An Impasta
Why did the can crusher quit his job? It was soda pressing
What does an annoying pepper do? Get jalapeno face.
What did the fisherman say to the magician? ?Pick a cod. Any cod.?
?I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. It's just something I could really see myself doing?
My grandpa has the heart of a lion. And a lifetime ban from the zoo.
Copper Wire & Communication
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came t
o the conclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
...
Not to be outdone by the British, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times said: "American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British".
One week later, Australia 's Northern Territory Times reported the following: "After digging as deep as 30 feet in his backyard in Tennant Creek , Northern Territory , Knackers Johnson, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely bugger-all. Knackers has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Australia had already gone wireless."
... Makes ya feel bloody proud to be Australian
Mick and Paddy had promised their Uncle Seamus, who had been a seafaring gent all his life, to bury him at sea when he died.
Of course, in due time, he did pass away and the boys kept their promise.
They set off with Uncle Seamus all stitched up in a burial bag and loaded onto their rowboat.
After a while Mick says, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out, Paddy?'
Without a word Paddy slips over the side only to find himself standing in water up to his knees.
'Dis'll never do, Mick. Let's row some more.'
After a bit more rowing Paddy slips over the side again but the water is only up to his belly, so they row on.
Again Mick asks Paddy, 'Do yer tink dis is fer enuff out Paddy?'
Once again Paddy slips over the side and almost immediately says, 'No dis'll neva do.' The water was only up to his chest.
So on they row and row and row and finally Paddy slips over the side and disappears.
Quite a bit of time goes by and poor Mick is really getting himself into a state when suddenly Paddy breaks the surface gasping for breath.
'Well is it deep enuff yet, Paddy?'
WAIT FOR IT
'Aye 'tis,
NOW hand me dat shovel.'