Jokes

Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert, wandering aimlessly and close to death. They are close to just lying down and waiting for the inevitable, when all of a sudden…


"Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I is sure of eet".


"Si, Luis, eet smells like bacon to meee".


So, with renewed strength, they struggle off up the next sand dune, and there, in the distance, is a tree, just loaded with bacon. There's raw bacon, dripping with moisture, there's fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon...every imaginable kind of cured pig meat you can imagine!!


"Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Eees a bacon tree".


"Luis, are sure ees not a meerage? We ees in the desert, don' forget".


"Pepe, when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smeell of bacon...ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree".


And with that...Luis races towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe following closely behind, when all of a sudden, a machine gun opens up, and Luis is cut down in his tracks. It is clear he is mortally wounded.


But, true friend that he is, he manages to warn Pepe with his dying breath.


"Pepe...go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree"


"Luis, Luis mi amigo...what ees eet?"


"Pepe...ees not a bacon tree....


Ees.....


Ees.....


Ees….


Ees.....


Ees.....


Ees.....


Ees, a Ham Bush"

Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skilfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Poor old Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says "Use the FORKS, Luke".

When I was a young lad, my parents told me I could name my new pet dog anything I wanted and since I was a mischievous little boy, I decided to name the dog Sex.


It seemed funny at first until you understand all the confusion that this caused me in my later life. Like the day that I went to the council offices to get a dog licence for Sex. The clerk asked me what I wanted. I told him I wanted a licence for Sex. He said, “I’d like to have one, too.” Then, I said, “You don’t understand, she’s a dog.”


He replied, “Look man, I don’t care how she looks.”


“No, no, I’ve had Sex since I was 5”


He replied, “You must have been an early bloomer.”


When I decided to get married, I told the vicar I wanted to have Sex at the wedding. He told me I’d have to wait until after the wedding. When I protested that Sex had played a big part in my life and that my whole life revolved around Sex, he said he didn’t want to hear about my personal life.


After my wife and I got married, I took the dog with us on the honeymoon. When I checked into the hotel, I told the clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and wanted one for Sex. She replied, “Sir, every room in the hotel can be used for sex.” I said, “You don’t understand. Sex keeps me awake at night.” The clerk said, “Me too”


When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. When I told the Judge I had Sex before I was married, he grinned and said, “Me too.”


One day my dog Sex and I took a walk and he ran away from me. I spent hours looking for that dog. A policeman came by and asked what I was doing in this alley at midnight.


I told him, “I’m looking for Sex”. My case comes up next Tuesday.


Now that I’ve been thrown in prison, married, divorced and had more trouble with that dog than I ever imagined.


I’m in counselling, my psychiatrist asked me what my problem was.


I said, “Sex has left my life. It’s like losing a best friend and I’m so lonely.” He said, “Look, you and I both know that sex isn’t man’s best friend. Why don’t you go get yourself a dog.”

Two young lovers go up to the mountains for a romantic winter vacation. When they get there, the guy goes out to chop some wood. When he gets back, he says "Honey, my hands are freezing!"


She says "Well, put them here between my thighs and that will warm them up".


After lunch he goes back out to chop some more wood and comes back and says again "Man! My hands are really freezing!"


She says again "Well, put them here between my thighs and warm them up". He does, and again that warms him up.


After dinner, he goes out one more time to chop some wood to get them through the night. When he returns, he says again "Honey, my hands are really, really freezing!"


She looks at him and says "For crying out loud, don't your ears ever get cold?"

and thats the end of the joke book

Thanks Eevo.
I have been telling SWMBO most of your jokes.
I am now banned from telling her any AULRO "Joke Thread" jokes!
This under threat of her putting the D2's keys in a "Safe Place", in other words never to be found again![bigsad]

Jonesfam

might have a volume 2 of the joke book...
and special edition: Dad jokes...

Eevo searched Google for "how to start a huge fire".
He got 65,000 matches.

ha!

I'm so old I can remember when rainbows were only black and white.