Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by Modelsp

I choked on my beer. I have man flu and this cheered me up. Cheers.

Originally Posted by RVR110

This one is much better when spoken than typed, so read it aloud...

Two dogs approached each other as they were walked down the street by their owners. The mongrel, straining at the lead said enthusiastically to the pure-bred poodle " 'ullo, whats your name??? " to which the poodle with it's nose stuck firmly in the air replied with pompous disdain "my name is Fifi - that's f - i - f - i". The mongrel replied "my name's fido - that's p - h - i - d - e - a - u - x"

You can read this one

Three dogs are sitting in the waiting room of a vets office. One is a poodle, one is a schnauzer and the other is a great Dane.
The poodle turns to the schnauzer and asks "why are you here?"
The schnauzer responds, "I'm 17 years old. I don't see or hear very well. I've been having accidents in the house. My owner says I'm too old and sick so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The schnauzer asks the poodle "why are you here?"
The poodle responds, "I've not been myself lately. I've been especially high strung. I've been barking all the time, I've been snapping at people and I even bit one of the neighbor's kids. Nobody knows why this has been
happening. My owner says he can't risk me biting somebody else so he brought me here to be put to sleep."

The poodle and schnauzer ask the great Dane why he is here.
The great Dane responds: "My owner is this beautiful runway model. Yesterday she was walking around the house naked when she suddenly bent down to pick up something she dropped. She was bent over and naked when nature took over and the next thing I know I'm on top of her doing the doggie thing. I couldn't help myself. "
The poodle asks: "so she brought you here to put to sleep?"

"Oh, no...., I'm just here to get my nails trimmed."

A Hari Krishna Monk had his teeth extracted without any anesthetic because he wanted to Transcend Dental Medication.

^^ Did you hear about the little girl who went to sleep with her head under the pillow ??


She woke up in the morning with no teeth

Originally Posted by jerryd

^^ Did you hear about the little girl who went to sleep with her head under the pillow ??


She woke up in the morning with no teeth

at least she be rich

Originally Posted by Eevo

at least she be rich

when my daughter was 7 her financial plan for her life was based on the tooth fairy. She was extremely disappointed when she found out that she wouldn't be growing a new set of teeth every 7 years.

A golfer in Ireland hooks his drive into the woods. Searching for his ball, he finds a little Leprechaun lying flat on his back, a bump on his head and golf ball beside him.
Horrified, the golfer gets his water bottle from the cart and pours it over the little guy, reviving him.
'Arrgh! What happened?' the Leprechaun asked.
'I'm afraid I hit you with my golf ball,' the golfer says.
'Oh, I see. Well, ye got me fair and square. Ye get three wishes, so whaddye want?'
'Thank God, you're all right!' the golfer answers in relief. 'I don't want anything, I'm just glad you're OK, and I apologize.' And the golfer walks off.
'What a nice guy,' the Leprechaun says to himself. "I have to do something for him. I'll give him the three things I would want... a great golf game, all the money he ever needs, and a fantastic sex life.'

A year goes by and the golfer is back. On the same hole, he again hits a bad drive into the woods and the Leprechaun is there waiting for him.
'Twas me that made ye hit the ball here,' the little guy says. 'I just want to ask ye, how's yer golf game?'
'My game is fantastic!' the golfer answers. 'I'm an internationally famous golfer now.' He adds, 'By the way, it's good to see you're all right.'
'Oh, I'm fine now, thank ye. I did that fer yer golf game, ye know.

And tell me, how's yer money situation?'
'Why, it's just wonderful!' the golfer states. 'When I need cash, I just reach in my pocket and pull out 100 Euro bills I didn't even know were there!'
'I did that fer ye also.' And tell me, how's yer sex life?'

The golfer blushes, turns his head away in embarrassment, and says shyly, 'It's OK.'
'C'mon now,' urged the Leprechaun, 'I'm wanting to know if I did a good job. How many times a week?'
Blushing even more, the golfer looks around then whispers, 'Once, sometimes twice a week.'
'What??' responds the Leprechaun in shock. 'That's all? Only once or twice a week?'
'Well,' says the golfer, 'I figure that's not bad for a Catholic priest in a small parish.'

His request approved, the CNN News photographer quickly used a cell phone to call the local airport to charter a flight.

He was told a twin-engine plane would be waiting for him at the airport.

Arriving at the airfield, he spotted a plane warming up outside a hanger.

He jumped in with his bag, slammed the door shut, and shouted, 'Let's go'.

The pilot taxied out, swung the plane into the wind and took off.

Once in the air, the photographer instructed the pilot, 'Fly over the valley and make low passes so I can take pictures of the fires on the hillsides.'

'Why?' asked the pilot.

'Because I'm a photographer for CNN? he responded, 'and I need to get some close-up shots.'

The pilot was strangely silent for a moment, finally he stammered, 'So, what you're telling me, is . . .



You're NOT my flight instructor?'