Reply With QuoteHow do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan?
You take away their brooms.
Master
Last one, I promise
What do you call a Chinese woman with a vitamizer on her head?
Brenda
TopicToaster
SubscriberHow do you stop Canadian bacon from curling in the frying pan?
You take away their brooms.
-Mitch
'El Burro' 2012 Defender 90.
Wizard
SubscriberCan't help it
What do you call a bloke with no arms and no legs at your front door
Matt
Chenz
I do not wish to be a member of any club that would have me as a member
Former Owner of The Red Terror - 1992 Defender 200Tdi
Edjitmobile - 2008 130 Defender
Wizard
What do you call your grandad swimming at the pool?
Paddle Pop
Loud Mouthed Rat Bag
What do you call the Irishman standing on your porch?
Paddy O'Furniture.
Cheers, Billy.
Keeping it simple is complicated.
Master
Two Ladies Talking in Heaven
1st woman: Hi Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heartattack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the lounge watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled overwith a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---
TopicToaster
SubscriberJames Bond swaggers into a bar and takes a seat next to the most attractive woman in the establishment.
He gives her a quick glance, casually draws back his perfectly tailored cuff, and glances at his watch.
The woman notices, and asks coyly, “Is your date running late?”
“No,” Bond replies, “Q has just given me thish state-of-the-art watch. I was just testing it out.”
The woman is intrigued. “A state-of-the-art watch, huh? And what’s so special about it?”
"Well" Bond explains, in his most seductive tone “It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically.”
The lady maintains eye contact, then takes a long sip from the straw in her cocktail. “Hmmm. So what is it telling you now?”
Bond pauses a moment contemplating his response. “Well, it tells me you’re not wearing any knickers.”
The woman giggles and replies, “Well you should tell Q that it's broken because I AM wearing knickers!”
Bond smirks, raises his watch to his face and vigorously taps at the watchglass “It appears the darn thing’s an hour fast!”
-Mitch
'El Burro' 2012 Defender 90.
Loud Mouthed Rat Bag
News Flash: Ireland has developed a new Viagra. It is claimed the new pill will be much healthier as it is 99% fat free.
Apparently the Church is set to give it the green light.
Meanwhile Nursing homes are hoping to see a drop in price of the original Viagra as it has been an expensive way of preventing their male patients from falling out of bed.
Cheers, Billy.
ChatterBox
What do u call a dashound with steel balls???
Sparky
TopicToaster
It had been a rough day, so when I walked into the party I was very chalant, despite my efforts to appear gruntled and consolate.
I was furling my wieldy umbrella for the coat check when I saw her standing alone in a corner. She was a descript person, a woman in a state
of total array. Her hair was kempt, her clothing shevelled, and she moved in a gainly way.
I wanted desperately to meet her, but I knew I'd have to make bones about it since I was travelling cognito. Beknownst to me, the hostess, whom I could see both hide and hair of, was very proper, so it would be skin off my nose if anything bad happened. And even though I had only swerving loyalty to her, my manners couldn't be peccable. Only toward and heard-of behaviour would do.
Fortunately, the embarrassment that my maculate appearance might cause was evitable. There were two ways about it, but the chances that someone as flappable as I would be ept enough to become persona grata or a sung hero were slim. I was, after all, something to sneeze at, someone you could easily hold a candle to, someone who usually aroused bridled passion.
So I decided not to risk it. But then, all at once, for some apparent reason, she looked in my direction and smiled in a way that I could make heads and tails of.
I was plussed. It was concerting to see that she was communicado, and it nerved me that she was interested in a pareil like me, sight seen. Normally, I had a domitable spirit, but, being corrigible, I felt capacitated - as if this were something I was great shakes at - and forgot that I had succeeded in situations like this only a told number of times.
So, after a terminable delay, I acted with mitigated gall and made my way through the ruly crowd with strong givings.
Nevertheless, since this was all new hat to me and I had no time to prepare a promptu speech, I was petuous. Wanting to make only called-for remarks, I started talking about the hors d'oeuvres, trying to abuse her of the notion that I was sipid, and perhaps even bunk a few myths about myself.
She responded well, and I was mayed that she considered me a savoury character who was up to some good. She told me who she was. "What a perfect nomer," I said advertently. The conversation became more and more choate, and we spoke at length to much avail. But I was defatigable, so I had to leave at a godly hour. I asked if she wanted to come with me. To my delight, she was committal. We left the party together and have been together ever since. I have given her my love, and she has requited it.
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