Thread: Jokes

I was sent to prison and I said to my cell mate,




"I won't be in here long."




He replied,




"Well the judge did give you 6 years."




"Yeah I know, but I think my wife will break me out, she's never let me finish a f----- sentence before.

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have
announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....

Someone asked me recently what I did for a job,


I replied, "I am my wife's sexual adviser."


"Somewhat shocked, they said "I beg your pardon, but what do you mean by that?"


"Very simple. My wife has told me that when she wants my ****ing advice, she'll ask me for it."

An atheist was seated next to a little girl on an airplane and he turned to her and said, "Do you want to talk? Flights go quicker if you strike
up a conversation with your fellow passenger."


The little girl, who had just started to read her book, replied to the total
stranger, "What would you want to talk about?"


"Oh, I don't know," said the atheist. "How about why there is no God,
or no Heaven or Hell, or no life after death?" as he smiled smugly.


"Okay," she said. "Those could be interesting topics but let me ask
you a question first. A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same
stuff - grass. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns
out a flat patty, but a horse produces clumps. Why do you suppose that is?"


The atheist, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, "Hmmm, I have no idea." To which
the little girl replies, "Do you really feel qualified to discuss
God, Heaven and Hell, or life after death, when you don't know ****?"




And then she went back to reading her book.

A man who lived in an apartment thought it might be raining, so he put his hand out the window to check for raindrops. As he did, a glass eye fell into his hand.


He stuck his head out the window to look up and see where the eye came from just in time to see a young woman looking down.


“Is this yours?” he asked.


She said, “Yes, could you bring it up?” and the man agreed.


The woman, who turned out to be very attractive, was very thankful and offered the man a drink. Naturally, he agreed.


Shortly afterward she said, “I’m about to have dinner. There’s plenty, would you like to join me?”


He readily accepted the offer, and both enjoyed a lovely meal. As the evening was drawing to a close the woman said, “Ive had a marvelous evening. Would you like to stay the night?”


The man hesitated, then said, “Do you act like this with every man you meet?”


“No,” she replied, “only those who catch my eye."

Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.

Ted and his wife were working in their garden one day when Ted looks over at his wife and says: "Your bum is getting really big, I mean really big! I bet your bum is bigger than the barbecue."


With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his wife's bottom.


"Yes, I was right, your bum is 3 cm wider than the barbecue!!!!"


The wife chooses to ignore her husband. Later that night in bed, Ted is feeling a little frisky. He makes some advances towards his wife who completely brushes him off.


"What's wrong?" he asks.


She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-arsed barbie for one little snag?"

Last night I played a blank tape at full blast. The mime next door went nuts.