Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by jx2mad

He administered the breathalyser test, and to his
great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!"
exclaimed the patrolman.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!!!"

i've done that once. the officer was not impressed

On my 15th birthday my father made me throw away my teddy......
and all my other lingerie!

A drunk was in line at the supermarket watching the lady in front put through her groceries.
2 litres of milk
500 grams of butter
A packet of cornflakes
packet of pasta
Jar of spaghetti sauce
He says to her "you're single aren't you?
She looks at her groceries and wonders how the hell he knows that from her purchase.
Curiosity gets the better of her and she replies " yes I am but how did you know"
the drunk replies" Cause your ugly"

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose girl."


The priest asks, "Is that you, little Joey Pagano?"


"Yes, Father, it is."


"And who was the girl you were with?"


"I can't tell you, Father. I don't want to ruin her reputation."


"Well, Joey, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later so you may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"


"I cannot say."


"Was it Teresa Mazzarelli?"


"I'll never tell."


"Was it Nina Capelli?"


"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."


"Was it Cathy Piriano?"


"My lips are sealed."


"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"


"Please, Father! I cannot tell you."


The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, and I admire that. But you've sinned and have to atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."


Joey walks back to his pew, and his friend Franco slides over and whispers, "What'd you get?"


"Four months vacation and five good leads..."

Japanese scientists have created a camera with a shutter speed so fast, they can now photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

My Favorite exercise is a combination of lunge and crunch.


It's called lunch.......

A computer programmer is asked to go to the store by his wife. "Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen"


The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

An elderly couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife’s hand in his and said, “Martha, soon we will be married 50 years, and there’s something I have to know. In all of these 50 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?”


Martha replied, “Well Henry, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I’ve been unfaithful to you three times during these 50 years, but always for a good reason.




Henry was obviously hurt by his wife’s confession, but said, “I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by ‘good reasons ?’”


Martha said, “The first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn’t pay the mortgage.


Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?”


Henry recalled the visit to the banker and said, “I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?”


Martha asked, “And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn’t have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed ?
Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge.”


“I recall that,” said Henry. “And you did it to save my life, so of course I can forgive you for that. Now tell me about the third time.”


“Alright,” Martha said. “So do you remember when you ran for president of your golf club, and you needed 73 more votes ?”