Thread: Jokes

A man walks into a bar owned by Eminem.
He tells the bartender, "Give me 2 shots of..."
The bartender cuts him off, "Whoo up there buddy, you only get ONE shot."


And for those now au fait with eminem/ rap culture:

A young boy is riding his new bicycle on Christmas morning.
A mounted policeman trots up to the kid, stops him, and says
"Did you get that bike for Christmas, son?"
“Yes I did officer” repies the kid
"Well next year tell santa to give you a helmet too... " as he then hands the kid a $55 ticket.
The kid, a little dejected pipes up:
"Did santa give you that horse for Christmas, officer?"
Amused, the cop has an authoritative chucks and says "Yes, he did."
Then the kid continues "Well next year tell santa to put the dick below the horse and not on top."

Q: Is Google male or female?





Scroll down.












A: Female. You can't even finish a sentence before it makes a suggestion!

Suffering here with a bad case of "Bacon Flu"

It started out as Swine Flu, but I think I may have been cured.

A Polish man goes to the motor registry to renew his license. The clerk sits him down and gives him an eye sight test.
The first line is displayed, which the man easily reads.
The second line is also a breeze.
Finally the clerk shows him the last line, with tiny little letters spelling 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'
'Can you read this?' the clerk asked.
'Read it?' the Polish guy exclalims, 'I know the guy!'

I just rang Alcohol Concern to tell them I was running drastically short of beer in my fridge.

They're quite rude, aren't they?

Originally Posted by VladTepes

Anyone who can't change a light bulb must be a bit dim....

How many social workers does it take to change a light globe?

One, but the light globe has to want to change

Old Beryl is leaving the recreation room at he nursing home on her mobility scooter when know it all Fred jumps in front and says "I need to see your Driver License". Beryl looks in her handbag and pulls out yesterdays Bingo ticket and gives it to him "OK you can go now".
She no sooner gets going when old Norm jumps in front and says "I need to see the registration for that vehicle". Once again Beryl delves into her handbag and this time finds an old prescription for blood pressure pills. Norm has a look and says "OK off you go".
Off she goes again and as she rounds the corner there is Cyril with his old fella hanging out of pants. Beryl says


"Not the Breathalyzer again".

A Highway Patrolman waited outside a popular local bar, hoping
for a bust. At closing time, as everyone come out he spotted his
potential quarry.

The man was so obviously inebriated that he could barely walk. He
stumbled around the parking lot for a few minutes, looking for
his car. After trying his keys on five other cars, he finally
found his own vehicle.

He sat in the car a good ten minutes, as the other patrons left.
He turned his lights on, then off, wipers on, then off. He
started to pull forward into the grass, then stopped. Finally,
when he was the last car, he pulled out onto the road and started
to drive away.

The patrolman, waiting for this, turned on his lights and pulled
the man over. He administered the breathalyser test, and to his
great surprise, the man blew a 0.00.

The patrolman was dumbfounded. "This equipment must be broken!"
exclaimed the patrolman.

"I doubt it," said the man, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy!!!"