Thread: Jokes

Originally Posted by RANDLOVER

Banksy's Girl with Balloon artwork selfdestructs after selling for $1.9 million at auction - ABC News (Australian Broadcasting Corporation)

A painting by mysterious British artist Banksy shred itself into pieces at the moment it had sold for more than 1 million pounds ($1.86 million) at a London auction.

Onlookers gasped and laughed after the bottom half of "Girl with Balloon", one of Banksy's best-known works, was sucked into a shredder hidden in its frame as the hammer fell, auction house Sotheby's said.

It has been said that the value of the painting was enhanced by this "shredding">

It occurs to me that Banksy may in fact have been the winning bidder and thus managed to increase the value of the painting (as partially shredded) by a significant factor.

"Knock, knock"

"Who's there?"

"Grandad"

"Quick, stop the cremation!"

It Snowed Last Night

8:00 am: I made a snowman.
.
8:10 - A feminist passed by and asked me why I didn't make a snow woman.
.
8:15 - So, I made a snow woman.
.
8:17 - My feminist neighbor complained about the snow woman's voluptuous chest saying it objectified snow women everywhere.
.
8:20 - The gay couple living nearby threw a hissy fit and moaned it could have been two snow men instead.
.
8:22 - The transgender man..women...person asked why I didn't just make one snow person with detachable parts.
.
8:25 - The vegans at the end of the lane complained about the carrot nose, as veggies are food and not to decorate snow figures with.
.
8:28 - I was being called a racist because the snow couple is white.
.
8:31 - The Muslim gent across the road demanded the snow woman wear a burqa.
.
8:40 - The Police arrived saying someone had been offended
.
8:42 - The feminist neighbor complained again that the broomstick of the snow woman needed to be removed because it depicted women in a domestic role.
.
8:43 - The council equality officer arrived and threatened me with eviction.
.
8:45 - TV news crew from ABC showed up. I was asked if I know the difference between snowmen and snow-women? I replied "Snowballs" and am now called a sexist.
.
9:00 - I was on the News as a suspected terrorist, racist, homophobe sensibility offender, bent on stirring up trouble during difficult weather.
.
9:10 - I was asked if I have any accomplices. My children were taken by social services.
.
9:29 - Far left protesters offended by everything marched down the street demanding for me to be beheaded

Moral:
There is no moral to this story. It is what we have become.

AUSTRALIA AND AUSTRALIANS


The following has been written by the late Douglas Adams of "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy" fame.
Note! This is incorrect. For the full version (and correct attribution, go to h2g2 - Australia - A Cultural Perspective - Edited Entry

"Australia is a very confusing place, taking up a large amount of the bottom half of the planet. It is recognisable from orbit because of many unusual features, including what at first looks like an enormous bite taken out of its southern edge; a wall of sheer cliffs which plunge into the girting sea. Geologists assure us that this is simply an accident of geomorphology, but they still call it the "Great Australian Bight", proving that not only are they covering up a more frightening theory but they can't spell either.

The first of the confusing things about Australia is the status of the place. Where other landmasses and sovereign lands are classified as continent, island or country, Australia is considered all three.
Typically, it is unique in this.

The second confusing thing about Australia is the animals. They can be divided into three categories: Poisonous, Odd, and Sheep. It is true that of the 10 most poisonous arachnids on the planet, Australia has 9 of them. Actually, it would be more accurate to say that of the 9 most poisonous arachnids, Australia has all of them.


Any visitors should be careful to check inside boots (before putting them on), under toilet seats (before sitting down) and generally everywhere else. A stick is very useful for this task.

The last confusing thing about Australia is the inhabitants.

A short history: Sometime around 40,000 years ago some people arrived in boats from the north. They ate all the available food, and a lot of them died. The ones who survived learned respect for the balance of nature, man's proper place in the scheme of things, and spiders. They settled in and spent a lot of the intervening time making up strange stories. They also discovered a stick that kept coming back.

Then, around 200 years ago, Europeans arrived in boats from the north.
More accurately, European convicts were sent, with a few deranged people in charge. They tried to plant their crops in autumn (failing to take account of the reversal of the seasons), ate all their food, and a lot of them died.

About then the sheep arrived, and have been treasured ever since. It is interesting to note here that the Europeans always consider themselves vastly superior to any other race they encounter, since they can lie, cheat, steal and litigate (marks of a civilised culture they say), whereas all the Aboriginals can do is happily survive being left in the middle of a vast red-hot desert - equipped with a stick.

Eventually, the new lot of people stopped being Europeans on 'extended holiday' and became Australians. The changes are subtle, but deep, caused by the mind-stretching expanses of nothingness and eerie quiet, where a person can sit perfectly still and look deep inside themselves to the core of their essence, their reasons for being, and the necessity of checking inside their boots every morning for fatal surprises. They also picked up the most finely tuned sense of irony in the world, and the Aboriginal gift for making up stories. Be warned.

There is also the matter of the beaches. Australian beaches are simply the nicest and best in the world, although anyone actually venturing into the sea will have to contend with sharks, stinging jellyfish, stonefish (a fish which sits on the bottom of the sea, pretends to be a rock and has venomous barbs sticking out of its back that will kill just from the pain) and surfboarders. However, watching a beach sunset is worth the risk.

As a result of all this hardship, dirt, thirst and wombats, you would expect Australians to be a sour lot. Instead, they are genial, jolly, cheerful and always willing to share a kind word with a stranger. Faced with insurmountable odds and impossible problems, they smile disarmingly and look for a stick. Major engineering feats have been performed with sheets of corrugated iron, string and mud.

Alone of all the races on earth, they seem to be free from the 'Grass is greener on the other side of the fence' syndrome, and roundly proclaim that Australia is, in fact, the other side of that fence. They call the land "Oz" or "Godzone" (a verbal contraction of "God's Own Country"). The irritating thing about this is... they may be right.


TIPS TO SURVIVING AUSTRALIA

Don't ever put your hand down a hole for any reason - WHATSOEVER.

The beer is stronger than you think, regardless of how strong you think it is.

Always carry a stick.

Dominated.jpg

Apparently that was not written by Douglas Adams in spite of the fact that the style is so much like his.
There is an explanation here.

404 Not Found
None of that stops it being one of the funniest things I have read recently. In fact, it is worth doing a search for "douglas adams australia" because there are a few extra things in some versions.

Stormy Daniels and Queen Elizabeth went to the Pearly Gates on the same day.**They both met with an angel to find out if they would be admitted to Heaven.

The angel said: "Unfortunately, there's only one space available in Heaven today so I must decide which one of you will be admitted.”

The angel asked Stormy if there was some particular reason why she should go to Heaven.**Stormy took off her top and said: "Look at these, they're the most perfect breasts God ever created and I'm sure it will please God to be able to see them every day, for eternity.”

The angel thanked Stormy, and asked Her Majesty, Queen Elizabeth the same question.

The Queen walked over to a toilet, pulled the lever and flushed it without saying a word.

The Angel immediately said: "Okay, your Majesty, you may go into Heaven.”

Stormy was outraged and asked, "What was that all about?**I showed you two of God's own perfect creations and you turned me down.**She simply flushed a commode and she got admitted to Heaven!**Would you explain that to me?”

"Sorry, Stormy," said the Angel, "but even in Heaven, a royal flush beats a pair, no matter how big they are."



***

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT: Possibly the funniest story in a long
while;


This is a bricklayer's accident report, which was printed in the news letter of the Australian equivalent of the Workers' Compensation Board.


This is a true story. Had this guy died, he'd have received a Darwin Award for sure.


Dear S i r,


I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block 3 of the accident report form. I put "poor planning" as the cause of my accident, but as you asked for a fuller explanation, I trust the following details be sufficient.


I am a bricklayer by trade and on the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building.
When I completed my work, I found that I had some bricks left over which, when weighed later were found to be slightly in excess of 300 kilograms.
Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley, which was attached to the side of the building on the sixth floor.
Securing the rope at ground I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to ensure a slow descent of the bricks.


You will note in Block 11 of the accident report form that I weigh 85kgs...


Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel, which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explained the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collar bone, as listed in section 3 of the accident report form.


Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.


Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of beginning to experience pain.
At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks (that barrel weighed approximately 50kgs) and I refer you again to my weight.
As you can imagine, I began a rapid descent, down the side of the building.
In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and several lacerations of my legs and lower body.


Here my luck began to change slightly.

The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.


I am sorry to report, however, as I say there on the pile of bricks, in pain unable to move, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back down onto me. This explains the two broken legs.


I hope this answers your inquiry.
Kevin Roben
Wagga Glass & Aluminium Pty Ltd
PO Box 5004 (11 Dobney Ave)
Wagga Wagga NSW 2550