Thread: Jokes

Husband clutches his chest and yells “Call an ambulance! I think I’m having a heart attack!”


Wife grabs his phone, and yells “What’s your password!?”


Husband. “Never mind.....I’m feeling better now.”

My wife came home with a vibrator, started waving it about and screamed". I don't need you now! I don't need you now!"

Guess who had to put the batteries in.

My wife suggested I get myself one of those penis enlargers, so I did. Her name is Mandy and she’s 25.

A husband and wife were at a party chatting with some friends when the subject of marriage counselling came up. "Oh, we'll never need that. My wife and I have a great relationship" the husband explained. "She was a communications major in college and I majored in theatre arts. She communicates well and I act like I'm listening".

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get them to Turn red.




One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes.




The woman asked the gentlemen, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?"




The gentlemen responded, "Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato Garden naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from Blushing so much."




Well, the woman was so impressed; she decided to try doing the same thing to Her tomato garden to see if it would work.




So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best.




One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman, "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red?"




"No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

I went to the doctor's office the other day at my wife's request and found out my new family doctor is a young female & drop-dead gorgeous.
I was embarrassed but she said,


"Don't worry, I'm a professional -I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."


I said, "My wife thinks my penis tastes like strawberries."

When the store manager returned from lunch, he noticed his clerk's hand was bandaged, but before he could ask about the bandage, the clerk had some very good news for him. "Guess what, sir?" the clerk said. "I finally sold that terrible, ugly suit we've had so long!" "Do you mean that repulsive pink-and-blue double-breasted thing?!" the manager asked. "That's the one!" "That's great!" the manager cried "I thought we'd never get rid of that monstrosity! That had to be the ugliest suit we've ever had! But tell me, why is your hand bandaged?" "Oh" the clerk replied "after I sold the guy that suit, his seeing-eye dog bit me..."

After nearly 50 years of marriage, a couple was lying in bed one evening, when the wife felt her husband, begin to massage her in ways he hadn't in quite some time. It almost tickled as his fingers started at her neck, and then began moving down past the small of her back. He then caressed her shoulders and neck, slowly worked his hand down, stopping just over her stomach. He then proceeded to place his hand on her left inner arm, working down her side, passing gently over her buttock and down her leg to her calf. Then, he proceeded up her thigh, stopping just at the uppermost portion of her leg. He continued in the same manner on her right side, then suddenly stopped, rolled over and became silent.


As she had become quite aroused by this caressing, she asked in a loving voice, ‘Honey that was wonderful. Why did you stop?'


To which he responded: 'I found the remote.'...