Jokes

A 60 years old Millionaire is getting married and throws a lavish wedding reception.
His friends are quite jealous and one of them asks him how did he land such a beautiful sexy 23-year-old.
Simple, grins the millionaire, I lied about my age.
I told her I was 87.

I read that, by law, you have to turn on your headlights when it's raining in Sweden.
How the hell am I supposed to know if it's raining in Sweden?

One day at the end of class, little Johnny's teacher asks the class to go home and think of a story to be concluded with the moral of that story. The following day the teacher asks for the first volunteer to tell their story. Little Suzy raises her hand. "My dad owns a farm and every Sunday we load the chicken eggs on the truck and drive into town to sell them at the market. Well, one Sunday we hit a big bump and all the eggs flew out of the basket and onto the road." When the teacher asked for the moral of the story, Suzy replied, "Don't keep all your eggs in one basket." Little Lucy went next. "My dad owns a farm too. Every weekend we take the chicken eggs and put them in the incubator. Last weekend only eight of the 12 eggs hatched."; Again, the teacher asked for the moral of the story. Lucy replied, "Don't count your chickens before they hatch." Next up was little Johnny. "My uncle Ted fought in the Vietnam war, and his plane was shot down over enemy territory. He jumped out before it crashed but could only take a case of beer, a machine gun and a machete. On the way down, he drank the case of beer. Then he landed right in the middle of 100 Vietnamese soldiers. He shot 70 with his machine gun, but then he ran out of bullets! So he pulled out his machete and killed 20 more. Then the blade on his machete broke, so he killed the last ten with his bare hands." The teacher looked a little shocked. After clearing her throat, she asked what possible moral there could be to this story. "Well," Johnny replied, "Don't **** with Uncle Ted when he's been drinking."

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to Fred's parent's home for their first night together. In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mom if Fred and Mary are up yet. She replies, "No". Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school." Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mom, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" She replies, "No." Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?" His mom replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to school." After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?" His mom says "No." He asks, "Do you know what I think?" His Mom replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?" He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I gave him my airplane glue."

Ha!
Little Johnny is a right ****.

Onya Johnny. Keeping it real for the rest of us.

The teacher explains to the class that "extinguish" means to "put out". For homework the kids have to use the word in a sentence, to demonstrate that they understand the meaning.
The following day Little Johnny is asked to read out his homework.
"Every night before I go to bed, I extinguish the cat."

The next day the word is "frugal", to "save" the teacher says.
Little Johnny's homework was "When the Princess was locked in the tower, she waited for a knight to ride past and shouted 'frugal me, frugal me. '"

Two snails sitting on top of a big old tortoise, one turns to the other and says "hold on Fred, here we go!!"

Biggest joke of all time.....


"I bought a Jeep"

YOUR MONDAY MORNING LAUGH TO GET YOUR WEEK STARTED.

At the end of the tax
year, the Tax Office sent an inspector to audit the books of a
synagogue. While he was checking the books he turned to the Rabbi and said: "I notice you buy a lot of candles. What do you do with the candle drippings?"

"Good question", noted the Rabbi. "We save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every now and then they send us a free box of candles."

"Oh", replied the auditor, somewhat
disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: "What about all these biscuit purchases?
What do you do with the crumbs?"

"Ah, yes",
replied the Rabbi, realizing that the inspector was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We collect them and send them back to
the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of holy biscuits."
"I see!" replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi. "Well, Rabbi", he went on, "What do you do with all the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?"

"Here, too, we do not waste", answered the Rabbi. "What we do is save up all the foreskins and send them to the Tax Office, and about once a year they send us a complete *****."

To the man in the wheelchair that stole my camouflage jacket... You can hide but you can't run.