Jokes

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Originally Posted by Shoogs

AUSTRALIAN BRICKLAYER'S REPORT: Possibly the funniest story in a long
while;

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Originally written about an English bricklayer by Gerrard Hoffnung in the 1950s for his speech at the Oxford Union.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Fifth Columnist

Originally written about an English bricklayer by Gerrard Hoffnung in the 1950s for his speech at the Oxford Union.

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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zZUJLO6lMhI

But it's considerably older than that.

Quote:

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The derivation of the story is confused, but it first arises in the 1930s. It was published in Reader's Digest in 1940 as a letter from a naval officer who had supposedly received it from an enlisted man explaining his late return from leave. Hoffnung first saw the story in The Manchester Guardian in 1957; the version printed there is identical with the text used by Hoffnung, except for the location, which he changed from Barbados to Golder's Green. Hoffnung used the piece to warm up the audience before each recording session of One Minute, Please. In these performances he perfected the timing before the Oxford Union speech. The story was part of his speech in a debate called Life Begins at 38 and was recorded by the BBC. The tale itself was not, Ingrams comments, especially funny, but "[Hoffnung's] manner and delivery reduced his audience to hysterics".

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TYWKIWDBI ("Tai-Wiki-Widbee"): "The Bricklayer's Lament"

A couple have a serious argument. Later, the bloke tells his mate about it, and ends with, "And then she became historical."
The mate asks, "Do you mean hysterical? "
"No, I mean historical, " says the bloke. "She told me everything I had ever done wrong."

The inventor of auto correct died today - May he roast in peas.

My job search

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned . Couldn't concentrate .


Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe .


After that, I tried being a Tailor, but casn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.


Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.


Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.


Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it.... I couldn't cut the mustard.


My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.


I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.


Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.


I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.


Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.


So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.


After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.


My last job was working in coffeeshop, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Eevo

My job search




So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.


.

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Adam Rowe conquered the 11th annual Dave’s Funniest Joke Of The [Edinburgh] Fringe award with the line: “Working at the Jobcentre has to be a tense job – knowing that if you get fired, you still have to come in the next day.”

Quote:

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Originally Posted by Eevo

My job search

My first job was working in an Orange Juice factory, but I got canned . Couldn't concentrate .


Then I worked in the woods as a Lumberjack, but just couldn't hack it, so they gave me the axe .


After that, I tried being a Tailor, but casn't suited for it, mainly because it was a sew-sew job.


Next, I tried working in a Muffler Factory, but that was too exhausting.


Then, tried being a Chef - figured it would add a little spice to my life, but just didn't have the thyme.



Next, I attempted being a Deli Worker, but any way I sliced it.... I couldn't cut the mustard.


My best job was a Musician, but eventually found I wasn't noteworthy.


I studied a long time to become a Doctor, but didn't have any patience.


Next, was a job in a Shoe Factory. Tried hard but just didn't fit in.


I became a Professional Fisherman, but discovered I couldn't live on my net income.


Managed to get a good job working for a Pool Maintenance Company, but the work was just too draining.


So then I got a job in a Workout Center, but they said I wasn't fit for the job.


After many years of trying to find steady work, I finally got a job as a Historian - until I realized there was no future in it.


My last job was working in coffeeshop, but had to quit because it was the same old grind.

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So, finally he became a Fire Fighter and he just lit it up. Well done Eevo.

6 new 4x4s and a Perentie drive into the outback...... only the Perentie drives out...

sorry... but I need to vent!!!! 😡😡😡
I experienced the WORST customer service today at a store in town. I don't want to mention the name of the store because I'm not sure how I'm going to proceed. Last night I bought something from this store. I paid cash for it. I took it home and found out it didn't work. So today, less than 24 hours later I took it back to the store and asked if I could get a refund. The girl in the store told me “NO” even though I still had the receipt. I asked if I could get a replacement instead then. Again this person told me "NO." I asked to talk to a manager now as I'm really not happy and I explained that I had just bought the item, had got it home and it didn't work. The manager just smiled and told me to my face that I was "OUT OF LUCK." 😡😡😡 No refund. No FREE replacement. Grrrrrrrrr... I'll tell you what... I am NEVER buying another Lottery Ticket from there again!

I was fired from Quality Assurance at the match factory, for testing all the matches.