Thread: Jokes

^​A warning to all you , be careful about drink driving as we are getting close to Christmas and the Police are out there in their numbers checking on people.Last night I was out for a few drinks. One thing led to another and I had a few too many beers and then went onto Whiskey. Not a good idea. Knowing I was over the limit, I decided to leave my car where it was and took a bus home. Sure enough, I passed a Police control where they were pulling over drivers and performing breathalyser tests. Because I was in a bus they just waved it past. I arrived home safely and without incident, which was a real surprise as I've never driven a bus before and I am not even sure where I got it from.

Somebody broke into my house last night and stole all of my lamps. I couldn't be more delighted!

Give 100% to everything in life - except when giving blood.

My best mate’s wife walked out on him last week.

She told him she was going to the shop to get some milk, but she never came back.

I asked him how he was coping and he said, “All right thanks, I’m just using some of the powdered stuff.”

Joke.jpeg

Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and his left leg in a car crash?


He's all right now.

One day, while doing door-to-door market research, this guy knocks on a door and is greeted by a beautiful young housewife.
He's inquiring about a particular petroleum jelly product to see how it's being used, and by whom.
"Hello," he starts, "I'm doing some research for a petroleum jelly manufacturer. Have you ever used the product?"
"Yes. My husband and I use it during intercourse," she answers.
The researcher is stunned by the blunt reply but quickly regains his composure. *
"Um, er... I admire you for your honesty," he continues.
"Can you tell me exactly how you use it?"
"Sure, we put it on the doorknob so the kids can't get in."

Originally Posted by donh54

My sister was at the Auckland International Airport the other day - she says there is a sign there, asking the last one to leave, to please turn off the lights!

Was she joining the thousands of Ozzie citzens that move over there permanently and get full health benefits unlike kiwis who move to Australia?
Australian New Zealanders - Wikipedia