Jokes

**Hogarthde** · 8th September 2019, 07:38 AM

Was her Labrador sniffing your legs ?

**Saitch** · 8th September 2019, 09:11 AM

Just a short joke.............................................. ........Warner!

**350RRC** · 8th September 2019, 11:20 AM

Originally Posted by Hogarthde

Was her Labrador sniffing your legs ?

The black lab with his toenails clipped?

**Eevo** · 8th September 2019, 11:32 PM

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the local school?.. All good. He has woken up now

**Eevo** · 9th September 2019, 08:40 PM

My least favourite colour is purple.

I dislike it more than red and blue combined

**Eevo** · 12th September 2019, 07:59 AM

There's a gang in town who are systematically shoplifting clothes in size order.
The police believe they're still at large.

**sashadidi** · 12th September 2019, 04:39 PM

Last week, we took some friends out to a new restaurant, and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket. It seemed a little strange.

When the waiter brought our water and cutlery, I noticed he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket. Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets.

When the waiter came back to serve our soup I asked, "Why the spoon?" "Well, "he explained, "the restaurant’s owners hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped piece of cutlery. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour. If our staff are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man-hours per shift."

As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he was able to replace it with his spare. "I’ll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now." I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter’s zip on his trousers. Looking around, I noticed that all the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So before he walked off, I asked the waiter, "Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there?"

"Oh, certainly!" Then he lowered his voice. "Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also found out that we can save time in the rest-room. By tying this string to the tip of you know what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the rest-room by 76.39 per cent."

I asked "After you get it out, how do you put it back?"

"Well," he whispered, "I don’t know about the others, but I use the spoon."

**4bee** · 12th September 2019, 06:53 PM

An olde one but still a good one.

When I heard it they were carrying a Spoon & a Fork to put their todger away

"We useda da spoonanda fork", so it must have been an Italian Restaurant in my telling.

**sashadidi** · 13th September 2019, 05:20 PM

Capture.jpg

**bob10** · 15th September 2019, 07:53 AM

The back yard dunny. An icon of old Australia. Nothing flash about it, torn up newspaper on a nail, redbacks and the occasional snake, one we had out west was a long drop, as a youngster we were frightened of falling in. Of a night you had to get the snakes off the concrete path, as they tried to get some warmth on a cool night. From Westprint Friday five.

They were funny looking buildings, that were once a way of life,
If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you really were in strife.
They were nailed, they were wired, but were mostly falling down,
There was one in every yard, in every house, in every town.

They were given many names, some were even funny,
But to most of us, we knew them as the outhouse or the dunny.
I've seen some of them all gussied up, with painted doors and all,
But it really made no difference, they were just a port of call.

Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an even pound,
That you wouldn't make the dunny with them turkeys hangin' round.
They had so many uses, these buildings out the back,"
You could even hide from mother, so you wouldn't get the strap.

That's why we had good cricketers, never mind the bumps,
We used the pathway for the wicket and the dunny door for stumps.
Now my old man would sit for hours, the smell would rot your socks,
He read the daily back to front in that good old thunderbox.

And if by chance that nature called sometime through the night,
You always sent the dog in first, for there was no flamin' light.
And the dunny seemed to be the place where crawlies liked to hide,
But never ever showed themselves until you sat inside.

There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues there at all,
Just squares of well-read newspaper, a hangin' on the wall.
If you had some friendly neighbours, as neighbours sometimes are,
You could sit and chat to them, if you left the door ajar..

When suddenly you got the urge, and down the track you fled,
Then of course the magpies were there to peck you on your head.
Then the time there was a wet, the rain it never stopped,
If you had an urgent call, you ran between the drops.

The dunny man came once a week, to these buildings out the back,
And he would leave an extra can, if you left for him a zac.
For those of you who've no idea what I mean by a zac,
Then you're too young to have ever had, a dunny out the back.

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